Don’t know what to do..

posted 1 year ago in 20 Something
Post # 2
4637 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Marriage and children ARE massive things. He is being pretty clear that he isn’t sure that is in the future for the two of you, sounds like this is a deal breaker. 

I would cut your losses and look for someone that is passionate and head over heels with the idea of building a future with you, that is what you deserve.

Post # 3
1896 posts
Buzzing bee

I would leave. 2 years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone, he’s wasting your time

Post # 4
3477 posts
Sugar bee

You know what to do. You basically said it in your post.  You just phrased it as a question hoping that someone would say you are wrong and staying and continuing to fight makes guys magically decide that they want to marry you and have kids.  

You said you know you want kids and marriage.

You said he isn’t sure he wants either of those things (which sorry to say usually means he knows he doesn’t want them with you, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy or alone so he just keeps hoping maybe one day things magically sort themselves out and wonders if he’ll ever want them with anyone if he doesn’t want them with you).

Every time you discuss it, you two fight rather than come to any reasonable conclusion like figuring out a timeline or what he needs to know one way or another.

None of this equals marriage bound, which you know you want.  Both of you deserve to have partners who want the same things in life.

(And yes, I was unsure, he was sure.  Broke up.  Now both very happy finding what we needed separately.)

Post # 5
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

2 years is too long.

Post # 6
343 posts
Helper bee

Bee, listen to Annabananabee.

“You said he isn’t sure he wants either of those things (which sorry to say usually means he knows he doesn’t want them with you, but doesn’t want to be the bad guy or alone so he just keeps hoping maybe one day things magically sort themselves out and wonders if he’ll ever want them with anyone if he doesn’t want them with you).”- This part here is 100% the truth. When they say they don’t know, they do, and it’s not with you hun. She’s right, guys don’t like to be the bad person, they feel guilty because they don’t feel the same way and they try to let you down easy, but really it just confuses us more. Trust me, I have been here myself and now I’m 31 and regretting wasting 5 years of my life with some doofus. Just tell him that those are important to you and obviously aren’t to him and go your separate ways. You’ll be fine, bee. You’re young. Take some time and go have fun for a bit- the right guy will come when you least expect it.

Post # 7
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

jessica51303 :  When there’s any issue that’s important to you and you end up crying and upset when talking to your SO about it, that means you two aren’t compatible. But especially when it’s a big life decision like marriage and kids. You can’t really compromise on those. Cut bait on this one and look for someone who knows they want marriage and kids. 

Post # 8
791 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

jessica51303 :  He doesn’t want either of those and you do. It sounds like a deal breaker and you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you and that you are willing to end the relationship in order to get what you want.  You can’t change someone else’s mind and I don’t suggest you settle and stick with someone who is unsure as to what he wants. I think he has said it loud and clear that he doesn’t want kids and marriage. He knows that you do; therefore, he doesn’t want to answer directly because he knows you would probably leave so he may be stringing you along. I agree with the other posters that it may be time to cut ties and move on. Its easier said than done but I think you may have to realize this is not for you.

Post # 9
3069 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I guess I don’t understand why women tend to not take what their bfs say about marriage and children at face value. He very plainly told you that it’s not even in the cards for the two of you at this point in time and it may never be. After a two year relationship at the age of 27, he would know if he wanted to marry you and he obviously does not.

Post # 10
2616 posts
Sugar bee

Find someone who wants the same things you do. Life is too short to be unhappy. He’d know after 2 years if he wanted to marry you..

Post # 11
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m not going to tell you to leave the guy because you’ll have to come to that place on your own.  Most of us bees….. we’ve been there.  Some of us walked early on, some of us stuck around.  I CAN say that most of us who stayed longer in the relationship regret doing so.  Maybe because we felt like fools for being afraid to walk when the answer was so obvious but mostly because of the wasted time, loyalty and emotions on a guy who doesn’t have the guts to be upfront about what he really wants.  When I think about it sometimes, I still smack myself on the head for putting myself through all that.

Sooo we’re giving you our experienced opinions.  Do with that what you will.

Post # 12
1100 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, I’d chalk it up as a loss and move on. I have this friend that always wanted to get married and have kids but she always had these boyfriends that were never clear with her on the subject, even after living together. One day her last boyfriend said he had no intention of ever marrying her or having kids with her. 

She was smart, stuck to her guns, packed and walked out for good. She ended up finding a guy that did want to marry her and have a family together. They’ve been together for over 10yrs and have 2 little girls now. 

Post # 13
122 posts
Blushing bee

I did exactly this – dumped my live-in Boyfriend or Best Friend of three years, who I loved, when I was 26 because he wasn’t sure about marriage and children, and I was sure those were things I wanted. Now, at 28, I’m newly married to the man of my dreams and we’re going to start trying for a baby next year. Leaving my ex was the best decision I could have made. We weren’t on the same page, and we weren’t going to get on the same page. It didn’t mean we didn’t love each other – we did – but we weren’t compatible in this way.

Post # 14
1122 posts
Bumble bee

I would say you two are still young, but I find it extremely strange that he can’t even answer the question in a vague way. Surely he must have thought about it at SOME point, espcially dating someone for years. 

Post # 15
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m newly married at 26 and we have our first baby on the way. 

My husband to 8 years to propose because he wanted to establish a career first etc and we were High-school sweethearts but it was NEVER  a question of if we wanted to get married and have children, just about when. He always made the intention very clear. 

My brother is 24 years old and single but knows that he ultimately wants to get married and have children. If your guy genuinely has no idea if that’s for him by 27,then I think you have your answer hun. 

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