(Closed) Don’t know what to do about in-laws…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
46331 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yes, this is your FI’s problem, He needs to man up and deal with it.

That being said, I think it’s time for him to move on and for the family to settle Mom into a place she can afford on her own pension, social assistance-whatever her income can support. His sisters sound like they are happy for your Fiance to bear the brunt of the financial resposnibility for their mother. He needs to insist that his sister refinance her student loand and pay him back for the payments he has made on her behalf.

Post # 4
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow.  That sucks.

This is a bit out there and I’m just trying to wrap my head around things – could the middle sister feel like it’s your fiance’s “turn”?  

Sorry I don’t have much to add, but best of luck in finding a workable situation.

Post # 7
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow this is a toughie. The fact is that you and your Fiance are starting your lives together and that needs to take priority. Yes, he can assist in supporting his mother but not at the expense of your future.

I agree that this is your FI’s issue to deal with and should not affect your relationship with the middle sister as you shouldn’t be involved negatively at this point.

I also agree that the family should look into finding his mom a place that she can afford on her own or with minimal assistance. Families are so complicated, but in this case it’s clear to me that your new family (you and FI) should take precedence.

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

The thing is … his name isn’t on the mortgage.  He should inform his sister of his move out date and how much he will continue to help with his mother. 

 

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t understand why they have to take care of her? I mean, I would be pretty pissed if I was just expected to take care of my mom. Especially after finding out that I was paying for my sisters student loans. He needs to tell the sister “the mortgage is in your name, YOU figure it out”

Why should you have to put your life on hold while his sisters are allowed to do what they want with their money

Post # 10
Member
46331 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Michelleivy:  then the family needs to decide collectively how they are going to take care of Mom. No matter what their personal situations are, they each need to contribute according to their income to supporting her.Or, perhaps she could move in with the sister who has children to help with child care.

You also need to decide if you are going to be happy with either living with his Mom or paying to provide a place for her, because it is highly likely the situation you are going to face.

Post # 11
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m not sure why they have to take care of her? If they’re taking care of her, she should be a dependent on their taxes and they should receive her social security and medicaid money.

I believe in helping out family, but I would hope that my parents have saved enough to support themselves. She’s not even that old yet! Surely a 68 year old can work?

Post # 14
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

This sounds like there might be a bit of a cultural reason for the children supporting her, is this right? This is really a tough situation for you and Fiance to be in. I agree with a PP,all three siblings need to sit down and talk about a plan for mom. She should be able to receive some type of government assistance.

Fi also nedes to talk to his sister about the loans he has been paying for. They should figure out how much he paid for and she should pay him back. Depending on the size of her loan, that could be a fair amount of money.

 

Post # 15
Member
14402 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Michelleivy:  You can push very strongly for your Fiance to talk to his sister.  In reality, what would she do if he just stopped paying.  Her name is on the mortgage, so it’s her credit on the line.  Honestly though, refinancing is probably a bad idea at his point.  If he did that and put his name on it too, she could still say no and refuse to pay until after the wedding, and then he is really screwed and will HAVE to pay cause then his name is tied to it.  Are you Asian also?  I know this may be very different in American culture, but it is expected and understood that the children are going to take care of their parents.  It doesnt have to be extravagent, and should be well with in the childrens means… even if that means an in law suite or something their house.   I know 2 years of paying that mortgage seems like a long time and a lot of money, but in the bigger picture.. is it “fair” based on middle sister taking care of him for all those years?   Is he continuing to do this as a way to pay her back for that?

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