(Closed) Don't Know What to Do (VERY Long Rant)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5957 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m sorry your sad!  You seem really overwhelmed right now!  I find that men have a hard time getting interested in things that aren’t tangible…a baby is really just a concept for a man until it arrives…your connection to your baby is entirely different, you KNOW when he moves, goes to sleep, you husband knows he’s in there, but….it’s kind of a seeing is believing kind of deal.

As far as being lazy, a pail of icy water cures a multitude of sins!  Tell him to get off his ass or you’ll run down the remote, he’s gotta make it happen!

Plus, being a Dad is scary, your responsible for a whole person, and that means he’s gotta grow up!  Don’t worry, he’ll fall into step when your boy gets here, just hang tight…and if not, leave!

Post # 4
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Tell me, what is there about him that you love?  Because right now, it sounds like he’s one big kid that refuses to grow up and realize his kid is not just on the way, but knocking on the door.  Right now – your highest priority has to be your kid and what’s best for him.  Do you think this situation is the best?  And if he’s not willing to partner you on this, you need to rethink your relationship.  He may not have chosen to be a dad at this time, but he is going to be one.  At the bare minimum, he has a legal obligation to financially support the kid once born.  Maybe you’re ok doing 100% everything yourself.  Maybe you’re not.  (I wouldn’t be.)  If you’re not, you need to decide what this means – if you should move near family for help, end the relationship, etc.

Post # 6
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Ok, so he’s a good worker – but not a good provider (financially, physically or emotionally) for the family at the moment.  He’s caring – but not at the moment to you, your unborn child, or his daughter.

How did his prior relationship end?  Was it related to the birth of the child?  After hearing about that, I have doubts if the birth will make him see the light.

Post # 8
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Well, it’s really up to you as to how much this bothers you.  We/you can’t “make” him be a good dad.  He has to choose to do that.  This isn’t a case where he is exerting himself 25% to mom’s 75% and she wants it more 50/50.  He’s at 0 and I don’t see a way to move him off that mark, because I don’t see how talking to him will help.  You’ve tried that.  I would think any soon-to-be dad would know this isn’t cool.  I have a friend due in two weeks, and many friends with kids.  This isn’t normal. 

Honestly, I think the only way to change things is to shake it up.  If the kid’s birth doesn’t do it, then move out if needed and see if he’s willing to put in the effort to make the family work.  But from what you’ve said…all I can say is that I wouldn’t want to live with or marry someone who is (IMHO) selfish like this and acting like a big kid.

Post # 9
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this. I hope very much that he chooses to step up but your situation reminds me so much of my ex husband and my marriage to him. Kids did not make things any better. Do you think he would do counseling? I think you could have a shot at making it work. I hope things get better for you soon. Good luck with the last few weeks of your pregnancy-you get to meet your little guy soon! 

Post # 10
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I truly hopes he straightens up. Your Fiance sounds exactly like my Brother-In-Law and my sister is currently 30 weeks along, he is never around for her and it’s very sad to our family (and it sounds like your family also) to see. My opinion on my sister’s situation is that her son is either going to grow up in a home that is highly disfunctional or he is going to grow up with parents that are divorced but if the latter happens at least my sister can find someone that truly makes her happy and will share the responsibilities of being a partner in life. Not saying those options will happen to you and i really do hope he improves when the baby is born but in case he doesn’t, please know that there are guys out there who will be an equal, loving relationship with you!

Post # 13
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think your friends and family are right.  As hard as this might seem now, you’re already basically a single parent, only now you have the emotional turmoil of waiting and hoping for help and involvement from him.

You might as well make the break, and be your own person.

Post # 14
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Anriya:  “Our friends found out about what happened and flat out told me they are glad I didn’t end up marrying him this summer, that they don’t feel he is going to change, and that they also don’t think I should get back together with him. My family also feels the same and would like to help me find a place of my own closer to home, which is an idea I am heavily considering at this point.”

Seriously listen to these people.  If your family and friends all agree that he’s not a good guy then it’s better to have their support now to get out of the relationship.  IMO you’re going to end up a single mom either way.  At least this way it’s on your terms and you have a lot of love and support from your family to get out now.

Post # 15
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

*hug*

I’m sorry all of this has happened to you.  Does he have **any** friends with kids who can sit down with him and explain being a parent is a 24/7 thing, not an “Tuesday nights and Sundays if I don’t have a gig”? 

He just isn’t an adult enough to realize what is and isn’t ok.  Such as sending you to drive to your parents late at night while this pregnant.  I wish I knew a pregnancy book for dads that would make him open his eyes.

Have you tried telling him: Ok, you want Tuesday for band, Wed for wings, Saturday for football, Sunday for football/band.  That’s two weekend nights and two weeknights.  Well, I want Mondays for mani/pedis, Weds for gals night out, Sat for my parents and Sun for work friends.  I guess we’ll have to split the weekends, so we each have a weekend day “off” and trade our Weds off.  Thursday we can be together at home.  (I realize you don’t intend to leave the kid that much…but I can’t think of how else to get it through to him that parent is 24/7 and he’s got just as much responsibility here as you do.  That he can’t just pick it up when he wants to.  That *someone* has to watch the kid at all times.)

But, I don’t think he’ll change.  I think you did the right thing, you need to be surrounded by people who love and support you right now.  I would suggest not trying to find a new place immediately if your parents are willing to have you there.  Trying to be a single mom is really tough and to look for a place and move in while you have a brand new baby, that adds difficulty.  It’s unfortunate that your parents put all of that work into your place if you are leaving it, but that’s a sunk cost you can’t get back.  (Unless you own it, in which case you’ll reap it on selling.)

Post # 16
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sad for you and your baby. If he hasn’t taken much of an interest in his daughter, I doubt he’ll take much of an interest in his son either.

I cannot believe he expects you to bring a newborn to Wing Night at the bar.  Really???? Wing Night is that urgent????

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