(Closed) Don’t Make Assumptions….

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

That stinks.  We got married in a Catholic church and were encouraged to write our own vows, I think it’s a bit dependent on the priests views.

Post # 4
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m Episcopalian but I was raised Catholic.  I believe these rules are fairly common for Catholic churches.  Even for our ceremony, we cannot use any secular music.  (I don’t know about vows, we’re just using the ones in the prayer book.)

I’m sorry you’re so frustrated, but just know that this is common, it’s not like you’re being singled out.  If you’re still set on getting married in a church, try calling your local Diocese.  They might be able to help you find a more liberal church that will allow secular music and writing your own vows.

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m sorry you’re so frustrated, but this isn’t just limited to the Catholic Church.  A lot of churches will limit your choices of music and will limit what words you can say to each other in terms of vows.  They’re not doing this to be mean but because marriage is a vastly important religious ceremony for the members of this church and they have very specific beliefs regarding what a marriage ceremony should be.  Within each religious denomination, there are churches with varying levels of formality and adherence to certain principles–you just have to find a church that works for you and your FH.  It is unfortunate that certain staff members were disrespectful when they spoke to you, there’s no excuse for that.  I understand where you’re coming from, because I am not religious, but I’ve been involved in enough church weddings to know that if you want to get married in their sanctuary, you have to follow their rules.  Good luck finding a place that works for you!

Post # 6
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Look into nondenominational churches in the area…but really, if you aren’t into organized religion, maybe you should think about getting married somewhere that would mean something special to you, not just to your guests. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I’m sorry this happened to you! I’m not Catholic…yet…and my fiance is. Just wanted to let you know I understand your frustration! There are a lot of rules, and it makes planning very hard sometimes.

I have been lucky in that (a) my fiance assumed ALL of the church-contacting duties since he is the one who is more familiar with it & (b) we have found a great church that we’ve loved so much we have started attending regularly since getting engaged. During the process, I know he spoke to a few wedding coordinators at other churches who were not extremely pleasant.

Stay positive & don’t give up! If there are any possible churches that might work, see if your Fiance can get in touch with a priest there (not a wedding volunteer) and sit down with him to talk about how it is important to you both to get married in the church. You guys may HAVE to make concessions to do it that way…I don’t know all the rules about specific vows, etc., but its worth a try. And you at least deserve to talk to someone kind about what the options may be! Goodluck!

Post # 8
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

hi,

my fiance and i are both catholic and went to catholic schools but chose not get married at a catholic church because we have similar views as about origanized religion. most but not all catholic churches are very strict, i cannot speak for other demoniations. however, my cousin did get married at a unitarian church last year and they seemed very accomodating and nontraditional. maybe look into unitarian? you can have a semi-religious ceremony with vows about God in places other than a church too..that is what we are doing. good luck!

Post # 9
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It sounds like your Fiance is ok with not having a church ceremony now? Maybe he only thought it was really important to him until all these other things came up and he realized what was actually truly important to him?

If he’s really fine with it, don’t stress too hard and make yourself miserable trying to make it work in a church. If it’s something you think will sting later on…then that’s a different story.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
5 posts
Newbee

UGH, I’m sorry. That sounds so stressful. I want to say, though, that it may be for the best that you know now the true views of the clergy at that particular church rather than having to deal with rude comments or assumptions on THEIR part any closer to your big day. 

I was a bridesmaid at wedding in a Catholic church a few months ago. The song “Ribbon in the Sky” was, to my surprise, approved and performed. An even greater surprise, though, came next…the preacher approached the microphone, rolled his eyes, and said “I HATE that song. Ever since it came out, I’ve hated it. Everyone wants to have their own ribbon in the sky.” and then continued with the ceremony!!! No one knew whether to laugh or get angry.

The couple is lighthearted and knew the preacher well, so I guess in some way they anticipated his negativity (though probably didn’t expect it during the ceremony!) and were able to move on. In that sense, I guess it’s good that you find out what you’re dealing with sooner rather than later?

I know it doesn’t make it easier to deal with your frustrating situation, but I at least hope the misfortune of my friend gave you a little laugh 🙂

I hope everything is resolved soon, and that you and your husband find an agreeable solution quickly! 

Post # 11
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2010

We were married in the Catholic church and used the traditional vows. However, we had talked with our priest in our counciling session and he said if we wanted the chance to express ourselves in the way that writing our own vows does, we could work them into our ceremony before the traditional vows.

Post # 12
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can see how this would be very frustrating. I am Catholic and was pretty much prepared for how the ceremony would go, and knew there would not be much room to personalize certain aspects. As other posters have said, they are not trying to be mean to you, they do things for a reason. Your title says it all, don’t make assumptions, man, this is good advice for wedding planning in general, lol. I hope you are able to decide what is right for you and your Fiance.

Post # 13
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m a fairly devout Catholic and it was so frustrating trying to get things organized for my Catholic wedding, at one point I was going to forgo it all together but I knew I’d regret it. It can be like jumping through hurdles I swear!!! One of the option I looked into before going back to the Catholic route was to have an Episcolpal priest I know preform the ceremony. He basically told me I could do whatever I wanted and that he would follow the “Catholic” mass order. Maybe thats something you could look into? Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Religion aside if you don’t like yor ceremony venue – move it!  It can be another Catholic church, and you’re already making a sacrifice for him.

I’m a Protestant myself, but have been to Catholic weddings where the couples have written something for after the vows, and have picked their own music.  My personal opinion is that some Catholic priests can be a bit old fashioned, so I would look around.  My fiance is Irish Catholic, and I refused to marry in his church as I know people who have had similar experiences – think it’s jus your luck pet ;$

You don’t need that bollocks, planning a wedding is stressful enough 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

Unitarian Universalist is a very open church, and I’m sure they would be willing to work with you.  You deserve a wedding that is spiritual in a manner that is meaningful to you and your Fiance.  How sad that some churches create barriers to one of the most special ritutals in our life.  Best wishes.

Post # 16
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It definitely depends on the parish. We’re getting married in the Church, and we are using the traditional vows, but the option was also given to supplement them with our own written vows. Every priest is different.

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