(Closed) dont make your friend your brideslave-vent

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Would you have felt better about the situation if you had been the “maid of honor?” It’s essentially an arbitrary title, so I don’t think that would have changed things much.

I understand that you wanted to be a good friend, and you wanted the bride to have a beautiful wedding, but you let her walk all over you. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. When the other groomsmen were playing on their phones, did you ask them to help you set up? It sounds like there was a lot of communication problems with this whole wedding.

 

Post # 4
Member
2361 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

OMG!!! What a bitch!!!!! I would NOT have her as my moh or even in the bridal party!!!! She may be a good friend bit she’s also selfish and ungrateful!! I can’t believe you missed out on getin hair and makeup done etc too that’s so nasty!!!! I was in a similar situation to the bride where I didn’t want to label a maid of honor cos all my friends are equally as important to me but like you, I had a friend who really stepped it up and was amazing and did so so much for me so I made her moh in the end and put it on the programmes etc so she had recognition. I’m sorry u had a ba experience. Have fun being engaged and planning your wedding !!! It’s an ex iting time don’t let her ruin it xx

Post # 5
Member
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@neetaclaw11:  Uh…you are a great friend! Through thick and thin..you were there:) I’ll pat you on the back since your friend must have forgotten to. Geez Some people!  Have no advice other than the obvious…nice girls always finish last..and that sucks!! n a lighter note, It sounds like you have a wonderful Fiance and no doubt will have a great marriage:) Big Hugs! 

 

Post # 9
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@neetaclaw11:  I’m very sorry to hear that. On the other hand, learn from her lessons, don’t be like her. 

As a matter of fact, don’t ask her to stand in the wedding because she will just bring more negativity leftover from her wedding to you. 

Post # 11
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

So Sorry you had to deal with that nightmare of a bride. Learn from her mistakes and communicate with your bridemaids as she did not. Explain all the duties each girl will have and what is expected of them during planning as well as the day of. In my opinion i would not ask her to be a part of my wedding. If she didnt care enough to communicate with anyone about her own wedding then she sure as hell wont do it for yours. Do yourself a favor and keep it drama free. You and your sweet Fiance deserve to have a perfect day, not to be ruined by her.

Congrats on your engagement i wish you both the best.

Post # 12
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

To begin with I had a little understanding for the bride. I have 3 BMs; my sister, my best friend and FIs sister. I had always planned, from the age of 11 or something, my best friend would be MoH and my sister CBM. Obviously that would have been really unfair on FIs sister so I said no titles…but I still think of them as MoH and CBM (and they do a lot more for the wedding). That said I try and keep it under control.

Sounds like your friend has gone off for a little holiday in bridezilla-land! And thats where my sympathy stopped. She sounds like a nightmare…I agree with the PPs focus on your Fiance and your day!

Post # 14
Member
3283 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

OH my good gravy! Similar situation: my BFF was essentially asked to be DOC for a friend’s wedding, without any pay for anything–and left OUT of the bridal party.

 

To make things weirder, the bride (a mutual friend of ours from childhood) created a wedding website that was searchable, but not officially put on any printed invites/STDs, and she listed my BFF as a bridesmaid. But then she never asked BFF, nor did she ever address it with BFF (“Hey, you’re not going to be a bridesmaid, since I want you to be able to be my DOC.”)

 

So BFF was invited to the bachelorette, but NOT hair and makeup, rehearsal, etc. Then she was asked to set up chairs and tables, all decor, coordinate with the caterer and rentals (as in, the vendors were given HER phone number). She did EVERYTHING the day of, and her Boyfriend or Best Friend, me, and my Boyfriend or Best Friend helped for, like, hours to get everything set up, while bride and party did photos.

 

It was REdiculous, and BFF was totally hurt. So I COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from, and I’m sorry that all happened to you!! Hopefully, we will remember not to be bridezillas, haha.

Post # 16
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

While I totally understand and identify with your frustration (been there, believe me), let me say one thing here…you don’t necessarily know what the bride herself was going through.

 

The reason so much fell into your lap, sadly, sounds like a result of the other BMs and other people in her life not helping out. It sucks royally that it all fell to you. That’s not fair. But she probably asked you to do those things because she knew you were the only person capable and responsible enough to take care of it. From what you said about dress shopping and the bachelorette party, the other BMs showed themselves early on to be totally unreliable. They didn’t help at ANY step of the way. Why would she give them any important responsibilities after that? She probably felt like there were very few people in her corner–and that you were the only few she could count on. That sucks…but it doesn’t just suck for you and your fiance. Think about her–she just found out that two of her three best friends aren’t there for her, even on her wedding day. That sucks for her too. 

 

Now…I’m in the early stages of planning myself, so I have yet to experience this from the bride side–but I’ve been a bridesmaid and a Maid/Matron of Honor enough times to see how a wedding can turn even the most calm and composed friend into a bridezilla. 

 

First, planning a party for that many people is NOT easy. Unless you’re a professional party planner (and most of us brides are not), it’s a logistical nightmare. You’re also under a microscope the entire process, with people questioning your every decision. For many brides, the process can be very isolating, overwhelming, and sometimes both.

 

But you’re surrounded by people? How could it be isolating? Well, you have to make a million decisions, and ultimately without any help. Yes, your parents are there–but (if you’re lucky)–they just want you to be happy and their standard response will become “It’s your wedding, honey.” Yes, you’re fiance is there–but 90% of fiance’s don’t really care about the details (and 9% of the others turn into Groomzillas–it’s a rare guy who actually gets actively involved in wedding planning). Most grooms just want to show up in a tux and get married…and they want their bride to be happy. That’s GREAT in theory–but most brides want the day to be about both members of the happy couple. They want their fiance to help with the decisions, or at least support those decisions and back them up. That doesn’t always happen. Sure, your BMs are there, but I’ve seen bridesmaids cause WAY more drama than bridezillas (trying to get brides to change wedding colors because they worry about how the color will look, refusing to be in the bride’s $4,000 pictures because they have a zit, or even telling the bride to call off the wedding at the last minute because they didn’t like the groom). Then, those same bridesmaids call the bride a bridezilla because they didn’t get whatever it is they wanted (usually regarding the Bridesmaid or Best Man attire)–and ladies, there is no faster way to bring the bridezilla monster forth than to call her one by name.

 

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying that’s what you did–just pointing out that it happens.  

 

Back to my larger point, though. Making all those decisions alone can be, for some brides, overwhelming and isolating. Now…let’s say you did have help with your decisions. That’s great–if it’s only a few people voicing an opinion. However, it’s more likely you’ll start getting feedback from everyone–criticizing and arm-chair quarterbacking every decision you make. That can be extremely stressful too. It makes you feel overwhelmed with opinions and second guess all the things you thought you wanted (I’ve seen MANY other friends go through this). Not getting married in a church? Conservative family will give you an earful. Getting married in a church? Any non-religious family will voice their concerns instead. Strapless dress? Oh…that’s not formal enough for the venue. Sleeved dress? Oh…that’s too matronly. Short dress? Too informal. Long dress? What if you trip? Don’t even get me started on an off-white dress… Any divorced parents? Well…that’s a whole other form of drama. It’s a no-win situation. 

 

Going through all that or feeling alone in the decision-making can make a bride really stressed out. I’m guessing there was definitely SOME drama going on for your friend since she said “Welcome to the world of bullshit!” Was that tactful? No. She should have congratulated you and let you enjoy the early bliss of engagement. However, is she wrong? Not necessarily (every wedding is different–some go off without a hitch–I’ve heard–but honestly, I’ve never been to one of those weddings). Plus, that comment was probably a result of the drama that she had with the other BMs. By your own admission–they fought both you and her at every step. Couple that with family drama and it’d make anyone want to elope. 

 

I do think you were treated unfairly. However, I think it was in part because the other BMs and family didn’t lift a finger to help. Everyone else proved to be unreliable, so you got stuck with a great deal of responsibility by default. Should the bride and groom have been more grateful for your help? Of course. However, should your fiance have confronted them about it? Maybe–but not AT the wedding. If he did it at the wedding, that’s totally inappropriate and I understand why your friend would need some distance. If he did it at the wedding, he introduced unnecessary drama on their wedding day. I don’t care how frustrated he was–that would not be cool. However, if weeks or even months went by and they never thanked you? That would NOT be acceptable either. 

 

Plus, I also think it’s unfair to say that it’s your one friend’s fault that your work is not putting you on the schedule. If you took that many weekends off, that was really your choice. If it hurt your finances so badly, you could have said that you were unable to get off work.  

 

I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve had to spend a great deal of time and money on being part of other people’s weddings. I’ve also been “put to work” at several weddings. I’ve been Maid/Matron of Honor, Bridesmaid or Best Man or family of the bride and had the responsibility (sometimes the sole responsibility) of set-up/tear-down fall to me on multiple occasions. It’s not fun…and thanks don’t always come right away. Brides have so much on their minds the day of (and so many people and logistics to juggle), they sometimes don’t get to thank everyone that they mean to. It doesn’t mean they aren’t grateful. Sometimes it takes the wedding madness to subside before that happens. 

 

I guess my point is, rather than unleashing tirades online in a public forum (which your friend may actually read and be very hurt by, btw)–try to understand where she is coming from and find a way for you both to move past what happened. And whatever you do–put the anger and frustration aside. It doesn’t do anyone any good–least of all you. You’re the one getting married now, and I presume that, even though you may be upset with her now, you still want your friend to be a part of your day. 

 

You ladies were close. Don’t let this ruin your friendship or lead to residual drama on your wedding day. 

 

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