(Closed) Dont Marry Him and The Reasons Why!!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6222 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I agree with almost everything you said, but I also think that most people who accepts a proposal from a man who is abusive or whose relationship already has problems won’t realize that this is applicable to them until they are already married. Denial is way easier than facing problems and possibly needing to make a big life change (like calling off an engagement.) 

My parents eventually divorced over issues that were present while they were dating, but never were able to sort out because of communication issues. This is why I chose a partner who is great at communicating with me not just to resolve an argument, but also to move forward after it. 

A note about the maturity thing- I agree that immature things done in the heat of the moment may not be indicative of a person’s readiness for marriage, but there are a lot of immature acts that really do mean that. Anything that is exceptionally immature and premeditated, IMO, means that they are 100% not ready for marriage, like the thread from the girl whose fiance planned for a week to cancel their plans and not call her back at night. 

Post # 4
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

I agree with everything you said…

From my first marriage experience, that I’d like to add…

Don’t marry someone just because they are your best friend. Sometimes marrying your friend doens’t work out – that’s all they’ll be, just a friend, not a husband, lover…etc.

Make sure you love having sex with that person. You should enjoy it and love having sex with your SO/FI/DH.  If the sex isn’t there, please don’t marry.  It won’t work out in the long run…someone will end up cheating. 

Make sure he respects you for everything that you are. Make sure he puts you first before his own family. The family that he creates under his roof should come first.  Make sure he sticks up for you with the dreaded IL’s.

Post # 7
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@jmaze:  +1. Sex is good. I also advocate co-habbitation for a agreed upon amount of time before proposal/marraige.

Post # 9
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. I’ve never been married before but have experienced some pretty bad relationships and have learned the same things from them.

Unfortuantely, when you’re in the midst of one of those bad relationships, it’s so much harder to see and heed other’s warnings.

Post # 11
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with you – all excellent comments. I agree that marriage will not fix the problems in your relationship – a very tumultuous relationship full of drama is not a good candidate for marriage.

There’s a bit more I’d like to add:

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. When you get married, you are making a lifelong commitment. *Every* marriage will have rough times and challenges. You both must be prepared to work on your marriage- it’s an ongoing process. The most important things are communication and mutual respect. (I’m coming up our 28th anniversary – mother-of-the bride, the date above is my daughter’s).

Don’t get married for the following reasons:

– to validate your relationship in the eyes of others

– everyone else is or you are a certain age

– you don’t want to end up alone

Post # 13
Member
687 posts
Busy bee

This thread should be required reading!   I’m also a second time bride, and agree with all of the lessons learned here. 

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Also, if you find that you have to sort of “modify” who you are to gain your FI’s approval, or to keep away the criticism, beware.  This happened to me and it was very subtle.  I was quietly judged by him all the time and I sort of buried parts of myself so I wouldn’t have to feel those waves of disapproval rolling off him.   I have a few examples of this, but suffice it to say, if you have this feeling right now, RUN the other way.  It will just crush your self esteem over the years, and you won’t know it’s happening until you don’t recognize yourself and neither do your friends.

Post # 15
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Amen!

 

I read in a book that 95% of the time when women end up in bad relationships is because they did not trust their gut (Women and Love – Mira Kirshenbaum).  Your gut will know if things don’t feel right, and listen to it!

Post # 16
Member
2532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I love this list!
Thank you for presenting it in such a thoughtful and unjudgemental manner!

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