- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
Being a second time bride I feel I have some insight into why marriages dont last. My first one didnt last because well, he almost killed me a couple of times in a drug fueled rage. That being said. Let me say there are other reasons why marriages end, marriages that should never have began in the first place.
Here are some things I learned from my own marriage and from the boards.
If he has an addiction, you cant save him!!! He must save himself or you risk going down with him or worse you spend a decade of your life or more trying to help him all the while draining every bit of your will from your soul. You can not save him. Only he can. Dont be his excuse or his crutch and dont fall for the line. “I cant do this on my own, I need your help.” I believe in change but it has to be a well thought out plan, it cant be you doing all the work to help him. He has to help himself.
Dont expect marriage to be a magic wand. It isnt. Marriage will not make your problems go away. Sure it puts them into a honeymoon phase while your planning the wedding but they will eventually rear their ugly heads again. Best phrase I have ever heard is, As we get older we become more truly what we really are. Also you cant change yourself unless you really believe in it and want it.
To often I hear bees on the boards, friends in relationships complaining that yes they did have problems and then everything was good for a while and then he/she proposed and now they are excited about the wedding. Engagement ring is on, wedding plans have moved forward and boom he/she has reverted back to previous behavior. If you are having problems, its probably not a good idea to accept a proposal til a good length of time has passed. This way you know the issue is resolved and you can accept a proposal knowing that when you finally do wed, it will last a lifetime.
If you cant communicate better than 1st graders on the playground, its probably not a good idea to get married. Marriage is love but its also about work. It means clearly communicating your needs and also listening to his or hers as well. Do not text each other in screaming matches, dont call each other and leave messages. Communication is always best done in person. Unless you have reason to believe their will be violence and then its not a good idea. Communication often times means reading between the lines. Not all of us are gifted with the ability to communicate with people in a well meaning non offensive way. Sometimes it isnt whats said than what is said. Remember, try to put yourself in their shoes.
Infidelity. If a man or woman cheats on you while your dating, Im not saying they will always cheat, however its a good indicator that they didnt respect you enough to not cheat on you when you get married. Now Im not saying that if they cheat once it will happen again. What Im saying that fidelity is a respect thing. So though they might not cheat again, there may be other ways they disrespect you, such as having a short fuse over a small problem, not helping out when they should, divisions of labor that are unequal. These are all little things that show disrespect.
Another thing I have noticed is this. If someone does something immature then everyone screams that they arent mature enough for marriage. I will say that is wrong and I will tell you why. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Now if in the heat of the moment you start cursing or say something offensive, I do not mean name calling, it means that momentarily you were human. I will say that name calling and violence are never acceptable. However if someone is losing their temper, its a good idea to let them cool off and not continue the conversation until cooler heads prevail. Instead of fighting, take time to gather your thoughts in a non confrontational and then try to resolve the issue.
If you have trust issues, or any other issues, resolve them before you accept a propasal or even enter a new relationship. Trust issues are hard to deal with. However your current boyfriend, girlfriend, SO or whatever you want to call them doesnt deserve, unless they give you real cause, to pay for the sins of what someone else did before they came along. I far better than most understand trust issues. I had a lot of them because of what my ex husband did to me. However I sought help to understand that not all men are abusive and now when I and my current husband have a disagreement I know its a normal thing and he isnt going to fly off the handle.
The wedding isnt nearly as important as what comes afterwards. Understand that when you say your vows, you accept a proposal or agree to whatever permanent situation, it means that you have to ultimately understand that you are two different people with different sets of values, ideas and quirks. If you are mature enough these can be overcome as long as you understand that you do not go into the relationship to try to change their value, idea and quirk sets. If you cant mesh them then its a good idea to move on and find someone who shares your value set. If your having problems before the permanence then its not going to change because you will it.
It all goes back to common sense. Follow your instincts and remember that yes relationships can work, but only if both parties work at it. Dr. Phil has a great saying. You cant fix what you dont acknowledge. I think thats the problem these days. No one is acknowledging their problems in hopes that a proposal, wedding, and marriage will fix it,. Cause it wont.
Thanks for bearing with me.
Peace be with you my friends