- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
great advice! thanks for sharing!
great advice! thanks for sharing!
@CakeyP: It just needed to be said without coming off as judgemental. I know there are ladies going through rough times, I just think sometimes we dont see things clearly.
@mrs_brownie: Of course its not a complete list. Everyone should add to it.
@sienna76: Couldnt be more right. You forgot your first instinct.
This is some of the best advice I have seen on this site! Thank you all
@Sapphire-Dreamer: I have to disagree about the living together. Ive seen too many people get married because it was easier than breaking up. Then a year or two later they realize that it’s either really really wrong or even more difficult, nice but not right.
Great thread, thanks.
Thanks for the thread. I think it’s healthy for everyone to step back and analyze their relationship every once in a while.
I always admire the women on here, that actually see this while they are in their mid 20s. The ones that really struggle with if they are doing the right thing. Trust me, you are! I just wish I could some how help you see it, cuz I KNOW how hard it is! After all, I never saw it. And it’s so much harder to end everything after 10 yrs of marriage and kids, vs. engagement.
Bravo! I hope all of the bees read this.
There is the old saying that sometimes you cant see the trees for the forest. I think sometimes relationships are alot like that old saying. We as human beings want to be part of something that is bigger than ourselves, often at our personal expense.
I know that we put so much stock in being in relationships that sometimes we will stay in them so we dont disappoint our family and friends, we dont want to be alone, we dont want to start all over and start the dating process again.
However nothing is worth damaging your self esteem or your physical self.
Granted all relationships take work, but if two people arent on the same track and dont have the same goals it can never work. I heard Dr. Phil say once that relationships are like a checking and savings account. Both people have to put in, you cant constantly take from it or it will bankrupt you. Im not talking about money but it will bankrupt you emotionally if your not putting in equally and taking to much.
Do you know how long it can take to rebuild your faith and trust in people after bad relationships? Think about every break up you have had, and think how long it took you to get back on track. Are you still carrying baggage from it?
Most of us carry some form of baggage. Its just human nature. However we can learn from our mistakes and we can grow.
Dont settle for what will emotionally bankrupt you.
Trust issues are a bankruptcy issue
Money issues can be a bankruptcy issue
Having a different value set can be a bankruptcy issue
But the biggest of all is trying to change someone.
You cant change anyone. If your going to marry someone then you have to accept them for what they are, just as you should accept them. If you cant accept them and they cant accept you then in the end your going to be emotionally bankrupt and so will they.
I understand that we get excited at the prospect of engagements and planning a wedding but none of that will ever replace a lifetime of unhappiness.
@jmaze: I think more important than “make sure you love having sex with your partner” is “make sure you’re on the same page sexually.” There are people out there who don’t enjoy sex, but enjoy making their partner happy. If that arrangement really works for you and your SO, then more power to them. Marriages are more than sex. You have to be compatable, but sexual interest waxes and wanes. There will be periods where you’re more into it than your SO, or less into it than your SO, and so long as you’re on the same page and communicating, then it doesn’t have to become a deal breaker. But that communicating starts long before you walk down the aisle, and long before you get into bed together, too.
The big one that I think is important is to make sure that both you and your SO can function alone. A lot of people who get married right out of college make this mistake. If neither of you have lived on your own, taking care of your own bills, your own groceries, your own laundry, and your own stuff in general, someone’s going to end up being the designated “adult” in the relationship and have to do the heavy lifting, and that gets damn old. Being able to function on your own, to take care of your own stuff and support yourself, is critical. If your SO can’t manage to get their life straight without you, they’re not going to keep it straight with you, no matter what you do to facilitate it.
Great post. I wish I’d have read something like this before my first marriage.
Great post! I agree with it all! This is why we are are marriage prep/pre-marital counseling NOW.
I don’t expect our challenges to go away instantly when married (HAH)…it’s an interesting thing to wonder “can I deal with ______ forever”, but in the end I REALLY want to be in partnership with Fiance and honestly, that means change has to come from ME and it will be bonus if he chooses to do it. Like we both want to work on ourselves but I can’t expect or need him to change. He is a lovely person and I support any changes he might want to make. But at the end of the day, he is who he is. And I love him. And I want his whole, imperfect package as my husband.
I can’t wait to see who I show up to be in my marriage. I look forward to being the best partner I can.
Great advice. Sometimes hard to hear and even harder to follow. Usually not making the right decision is the result of inexperience and lack of information, but with marriage love comes into play and can blur even the most clear insight.
I think counseling is one of the main ways to gain insight. Can’t wait to start it with Fiance because I know I’m not perfect.
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