(Closed) Don’t pick your bridesmaids early. VENT and need advice pls!

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: what do I do about these BMs?
    talk to them and give them an out of the party : (21 votes)
    88 %
    let it go, let time heal : (0 votes)
    ignore them and the situation : (0 votes)
    ask them to step down and reimburse for dresses : (3 votes)
    13 %
    other-- see below : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    I’d say check in with them and tell them you’ve noticed they haven’t been around much and ask them if they’re still interested, and let them know it’s okay if they’re not (you can use whatever excuse you want; you know things are busy, you know times are hard, whatever) and see what they say. If things are as you mention, I think they’ll appreciate the out.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    wait, I’m confused….your wedding isn’t until 2012 and the bridesmaid dresses have been bought already??

    As for their behavior, I would try to go out for like a girls’ dinner, maybe some one on one time which each girl, and try and find out what’s going on. It seems weird that they would just start acting that way out of no where…

    Post # 5
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Hmm.. If I were you I would wait and see how the shower goes. Because sometimes BM’s can seem unsupportive behind the scenes b/c they have a lot of other things gonig on, but at an actual wedding event they pull themselves together b/c their intentions are good at the end of the day. Walk into your shower assuming you have their full support and if it unfortunately does not go well, then I would have a cutting conversation, using the shower to bring it up.

    I think what is happening to you is quite common among BM’s, especially single ones. They tend to group together and since most of the conversations are happening behind the scenes, there are a lot of inside jokes and get togethers that don’t involve the bride. So it can tend to make it seem worse than it actually is.

    Really, I am a strong believer that most single women tend to be jealous of women with a SO, especially if they are engaged or married. I was shunned at work b/c I was engaged, the females my age won’t even talk to me and I think it’s because they are all single or dating guys who won’t commit.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2788 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    Wow – did you read my mind when you wrote this post? I am in so similar a situation, it is freaky.  However my Bridesmaid or Best Man1 hasn’t bought her dress yet…

    I am meeting her for lunch this week and hopefully we will get it to where we are on the same page – whatever the outcome may be.  I suggest you talk with each of your BMs seperately and really have a heart to heart about how you and she are feeling.

    Best of luck!

    Post # 9
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Do we have the same friends? I feel like your story is exactly like mine. At the end of the day, the people who stand with you should love you and your Fiance and be happy for your decision to get married.

    Chances are that you won’t be putting time and energy into them after the wedding, so why are you doing it now? Also, I think your other friend who is getting married should understand your decision.

    It’s not going to go well (and mine actually refused to talk to me via phone, so I had to do it in an e-mail), and it will be sad at first (people keep saying, oh that’s too bad, you’ve been friends for so long), but ultimately, you need to do what makes you happy. True friends would be nothing but supportive during this time in your life.

    Post # 11
    Member
    655 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010
    Post # 12
    Member
    540 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Wow. I had the same situation. KICK THEM OUT!!!! On my wedding day, one of the so called “friends” acted super bored the whole day of my wedding. She complained about the photographer being unprofessional and amateur, texted and twittered, was the only girl to not buy new shoes or even wear dressy shoes, left after the ceremony without telling me, and was just a debbie-downer. The other girl was a little more enthusiastic but it would have been an even better day without them.

    I thought the same thing you do….they’ve purchased their dresss so it’s too late to let them go. WRONG! If they don’t care about your friendship and you in general then don’t care about their wallet. This is my personal experience.

    Single girls and even girls that are in relationships can be bitter and jealous. They’re also not real friends. I had to learn the hard way and now when I look at my wedding pictures it just makes me even more mad. Kick them out.

    Post # 13
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    i had the same problem-kick them out. you only get to do this once. i kicked out 2 bms and a moh and i am gladdddd idid. I had a gut instinct about their shifty attitudes and behavior and just said i was going to be making some cuts bc my fiance went ballistic when he realized how many girls i had. so it was early enough at that time our wedding was 2 years out. I just politely said sorry everyone i really rushed the bm thing and my fiance is bugging so we will pick our bms together and let you know for sure who is going to be asked to be in our wedding. so i booted his sister, my ex-friend lisa, and ex-bf christina. my instincts were correct! within time..LISA proved to be the biggest a-hole ever. we worked together and when i lost my job she proceeded to talk about me to co-workers and bash me to my old boss..nice fake friend, his SISTER and i got into it and she ends up calling me a fat bitch who should eat a twinkie and take a xanax…nice inlaws, and my moh christina eventually called my wedding a complete JOKE and went on to say horrible things about me and was the most selfish db i had ever known…funny weddings bring out the worst in bitter lonely ppl who are quite jealous. i have since replaced them with 2 old highschool friends who are awesome and supportive and replaced my moh with MY SISTER who although not very etiquette and wedding knowledge inclined…should have been my moh the whole time. so i say kick them out!

    Post # 14
    Member
    31 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I’m so sorry. You must feel hurt. Yeah, keeping them in the wedding seems a bit masochistic. Hope you find a way to enjoy this special time and surround yourself with loving and supportive people. This is supposed to be your superfunhappytime. My coworker coined it and I use it as a mantra when I feel stressed: super-fun-happy-time.

    Don’t accept this kind of treatment. It is total bitterness and jealousy. I know because I felt jealous when my friends were getting married. Anyone does. It’s natural. But for crying out loud, never show the bride! To your BMs I say “Suck it up!! Where’s your heart? This is her super fun happy time!!” 

    Post # 15
    Member
    655 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Well ladies, I can reveal my identity! haha Here’s the update: it all came to a head and they are no longer in the wedding or my friends. I’m sure they’ll even read this because they found and read what I wrote previously and understandably were upset/hurt but you know what? I’m glad they did to be honest, it finally got them to talk and address the issue and stop pretending. Though I’m sorry it hurt them to read what I was feeling, I stand by it. It was not okay LONG before I wrote what I wrote on here and they didn’t want to acknowledge or work on it then so it got to the point where it is today, bitter and nasty. But time heals and I am definitely ready to move on and put energy in friendships and relationships that are worth it, not fake ones. It was a long time coming, it’s just been finally put out of it’s misery.

    Thanks for all the support. You all truly understand because you’ve been there or there right now. It seems that so many of you have gone through this similar situation. And though hard at the time, it always seems like it’s for the best. Thanks for the encouragement.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2788 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I was just looking for this to find out what happened!

    I’m glad it worked out in the end. Oh and By The Way – my Bridesmaid or Best Man scheduled a trip for herself and wont even be in the country during my wedding…so I didn’t officially ‘debridesmaid’ her because  she did that herself.

    The topic ‘Don’t pick your bridesmaids early. VENT and need advice pls!’ is closed to new replies.

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