- 2 months ago
I’ve been having some really horrible, resentful, and downright bratty thoughts lately. I apologize in advance for this, but I really need to vent.
Let me just start out by saying I was never a huge wedding enthusiast. For a while I wondered whether I really wanted to be married at all. After a lot of back and forth, I would still like to be married, but I think I would be perfectly happy with quietly eloping. If he wanted a big ceremony, I could do that, too. But for some reason I’ve always kind of day dreamed about a nice proposal. I’ve never let that go. I think it’s just a huge show of love and is even better if lots of thought and time is put into planning it.
I’ve been living with my S/O for over 3 years, dating around four. We met in University, and he’s been with me through law school and I’ve been with him through grad school. We’ve moved cities together to be with one another. We plan to move back to his home town in a year or so, but I was hoping to be engaged before that as I would be leaving behind a lot for him. We’ve both graduated, have a dog, share finances, etc., and not much would change with marriage. When we first discussed marriage, I let him know I’d hoped for an engagement during my last year of law school (he was done school), a two year engagement, and then a year or two or married life before having kids. He completely agreed. I also mentioned that due to certain conditions that run in the women in my family that often leads to early infertility, it might be wise to be on the ball with something close to this schedule. Hopefully none of that will matter but I think it’s important to be prepared for.
Well, my last year of law school came and went. I was hopeful for a while. Dropping hints. I let him know that my best friend had access to my secret pinterest board of rings and could help him, and let him know in more detail the kind of proposals I would like. Unfortunately, he’s the type of guy who if you tell him to do something, he digs his heels in. So I dropped it. I’ve dropped it for about 6 months now and I don’t believe he has any intention of proposing anytime soon.
His lack of interest seems to be related to money. He wants to pay off his student debts first (he doesn’t have much as his family paid for 80% of it), he wants to save for a down payment on a house, he wants to pay off his car because he doesn’t like it and wants a new one, etc. He wants a big event that all of his friends and family will be at, which he realizes will be expensive. He used to talk about getting married daily when we first got together (ah, puppy love) but during that year of waiting, he only clamed up about money whenever the topic came up. I’ll admit, the sudden change in enthusiasm and priorities, no matter how logical, hurt.
I went through a surprising range of emotions during the year or so that I was “officially” waiting, and the result now is that I feel kinda numb about it. I’ve started putting less effort into the relationship (not intentional, but related to resentment) and I’m sure it’s counterproductive to getting a proposal. At this point, by the time he gets ambition (he needs nagging to do a lot of things), saves for a ring, plans a proposal (he gets overwhelmed when I ask him to plan things as simple as a weekend away or a day hike) and does eventually propose, I think it would have lost some of it’s excitement, you know? Instead, it will feel more like, “oh finally” or “I finally nagged him into it, great”.
The more time goes on, the less I want it. The proposal was important to me, and without it being how I envisioned it (surprising and exciting), I almost don’t want it at all now. After reading some old threads about this, I am starting to relate far too much to women who said “no” after waiting too long. Perhaps these feelings will fade.
One of his best friends recently got engaged, so the topic has come up organically quite a bit lately and he talks about it a bit more. Because I simply don’t give a crap anymore, I’ve been almost accidentally obeying the “Shut It Up” pact because I never bring it up, and I guess it works. I’m afraid he’ll notice my lack of enthusiasm and I’m not sure how honest and/or blunt I should be if he does. He jokingly brought up the fact that his friend proposed to his girlfriend while they were in their apartment on the couch and how I wouldn’t like that, and I agreed with a half-hearted grunt and zero eye contact and that was it. He’s already suspicious.
I know this is all coming from a horrible place of resentment. I know it’s super bratty to think “I’m not getting the exciting proposal that takes me by surprise that I always wanted so now I don’t want one at all”! but honestly guys, aside from the romance of a lifelong commitment (which I do still want, but we can get that at a courthouse), the only part of this weird Western money-grabbing ritual that I like is the proposal and I feel like waiting has soured it.
If he brings it up, I’m not even sure how I could articulate all of this like a normal human. No matter how I say it, it will be a form of pressure that would make any proposal that follows feel a little more like he’s been nagged into it and not romantic.
Does anyone have any insight on this?