Don't Really Care Anymore

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You know what? Normally I think the posts on the “waiting” board are bratty, entitled bullshit, but in this case I can totally see where you are coming from. You gave him a clear timeline for what you envisioned. He gave you no reason to doubt he’d work within that timeline. And now that timeline has passed and you can’t help but feel resentful about it. He’s put you in a shitty position because whatever happens, you can’t win. Either he proposes and the excitement isn’t there because it feels like you pushed him into it, or he doesn’t and you just get more and more resentful and complacent about your relationship.

I think you need to have an open and honest talk with him about this. Tell him how you feel and that you’re resentful and that you know it is affecting your relationship. It’s not going to be a fun conversation, but you are absolutely entitled to your emotions and part of his job as your partner is to recognize and work through those emotions with you.

Post # 3
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

I can understand where you are coming from. You guys have been together for plenty long enough for this to be a reasonable topic of discussion, especially after getting through law and grad school and already sharing a home life and finances.

Although my SO has had a ring for several months and I’m waiting myself, my SO sounds like yours in many ways – he digs his heels in when he’s nagged, and he wants to do things in his own way and on his own terms. He also sticks to his own timeline for things, largely based on finances, in spite of the needs I have on my side of the relationship. He also doesn’t like to be pushed to make plans for things that require a lot of his attention. This goes beyond a ring and proposal in our relaitonship. I’ve been struggling with my own feelings and “brattiness” as you put it, and have been trying to work on how I interact with him and deal with our circumstances. Just as you say, nobody wants to feel like they’re being proposed to because their partner was nagged into it. You want it to be natural and freely done. I feel this way too, so I am trying to back off.

You, however, do not have an SO that already has a ring…and you’ve been together a good long while with plenty of committment under your belt. It sounds like it’s been 6 months since you’ve brought up this topic. As I see it, if you think this timeline of his (which has gone off the rails from what you talked about and agreed upon when you were still in law school) is going to ultimately sour your feelings towards the relationship as a whole, your best bet is to have an honest discussion with him. When you last talked about it, did you ask him if his timeline has changed since the one you discussed in law school? Did he tell you this is all about finances, or are you just saying that based on what you’re observing? I don’t think the discussion needs to be about a proposal, but more about your life together. I’d gear it towards revisiting the timeline you previously agreed to, and the ways in which that doesn’t appear to be moving forward. Ask him how he feels about your life together and what he envisions. If his timeline has changed, there is no reason he cannot or should not share that information with you. He hasn’t volunteered it willingly, but it’s your life too so there’s nothing wrong with having a calm, adult conversation about your shared future.

Post # 5
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your feelings are very valid.  Are you sure you still want to marry him?

Post # 6
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

roxeter :  I understand exactly what you mean. My SO and I are in our mid-30s with complicated lives and responsibilities. He’s enmeshed with his parents in what I consider to be an unhealthy way, and our entire timeline has been created by HIM based on what he feels about his committments to them (there’s a backstory but not getting into it here) and debts he wants to pay off for himself that are a direct result of his enmeshment with his parents. Never once have I been asked what I want or need. And I do both want and need his support in my own life. So I understand the frustration of a one-ended timeline based on one person’s views and wants.

Not unlike you, even though I’ve committed to backing off and changing my attitude, it is not indefinite. This is my life too, just as it’s yours. If my SO doesn’t step up within a few more months, he can keep his timeline but remove me from it. What I want and need can only stay on a backburner for so long before I’m just done with the whole mess. So, I understand your feelings. A timeline for getting engaged and married should be something two people discuss and agree on together, not something one person superimposes upon the other. In my world it’s been more like we both want to get married, but engagement is something I really care about more than him…so if I want it, it has to fit into his timeline. That’s what gets under my skin and causes the resentment, not wanting a ring physically present on my finger. I have been feeling like he’s dangling a carrot.

I don’t think you should tell him you’ve given up on anything or that your feelings have changed completely. I think you need to bring up the topic of your future, remind him of the timeline you agreed to back in law school, point out how it differs from where you are today, and ask him how he felt about it and whether what he wants has changed. The mere fact that you’re bringing up that you’ve noticed how different your lives have gone compared to what you agreed to will make it clear that it’s a problem for you. If he still doesn’t get it, then you cal spell it out for him. But I’d approach it the other way first.

Post # 7
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I can relate to this so I will share my story.

I had always told my now fiance that I was not going to be the perpetual girlfriend. He was with his last girlfriend for 10 years and never proposed. She wanted to get married. I never asked him why he didn’t propose. Anyway in our 3rd year together we attended several weddings. He would get tipsy and talk about “our wedding”. Of course I was overjoyed. I felt a proposal would come soon. I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It by far has been the best relationship I have ever been in.

Fast forward to our 4th aniversary. He was up for a promotion that may have moved him out of state. I had always told him I was not leaving my job and family unless it was with my husband. So on our 4th Aniversary while waiting to hear about the promotion the conversation turned to we are not married and the moving “thing”. I won’t lie. The fight was ugly, really ugly. He kept saying how much more commitment do you want from me? I was like, Marry Me! Show me its forever! I went to bed and cried all night after making no progress and both of us angry. I was hoarse for two days from crying so hard. We didn’t speak for two days (we live together so it was the cold shoulder silence).

On the 3rd day it came through he did not get the promotion. I was relieved because I knew things were going to blow up if he got it. I decided to not even bring up the subject of marriage for several months until I could understand if I was willing to end the relationship over no proposal. During this time I unintentionally started withdrawing. I was not as loving as I once was. I didn’t intiate often. It was really not intentional. I was resentful and I did not feel close to him. One day in the car we were talking about my car that needed a new motor or I needed to buy a new car. He said well I will finance the car because I can get zero percent financing. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea to not have my car in my name. The conversation went silent. I was hurting so deeply. I knew we were on a path of destruction. It almost broke my heart.

We planned a vacation 3 months later to try and reconnect. I was hesitant to go but I really wanted to try and not feel so resentful and see his side. He proposed on the vacation. Caught me off guard. Had the whole thing planned so perfectly. I was stunned. I was so stunned I almost forgot to say yes. He said he was nervous for a minute that I was going to say no, that he had missed his chance.

We talked later and he felt me start to pull away and it woke him up. He realized I was not messing around and if he wanted to be with me he had to show he was there forever. He too sensed we were not on a good path. He said once he thought about life without me (which was becoming more of a reality the more I pulled away) he knew there was only one thing to do and that was to propose. He is full long into this. We have a date. He is excited. I am over the moon.

My point: Make sure he understands you will not be the forever girlfriend. If he doesn’t know after the time you have been together if you are the “one” then maybe your not and its time to move on. Only have this conversaiton if you are SURE you want this relationship to continue AND are willing to end if if he won’t fully commit. That seems like two things that can’t go together but they can. Be true to yourself first. After the conversation back off for awhile, however long you think is a good time, could me months or weeks. Only you know your time frame. If he does not propose end the relationship. He will know why.

You deserve to not be played with and respected. This is your future. He should be treating it as seriously as you are.

My best to you.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

He might be feeling it out asking what you would like and wouldn’t like but your lack of enthusiasm even though you have waited a long time will be noticed by him and will be very off putting- after all, he is the one who could get rejected if he doesn’t do well enough and probably knows this. 

It would probably be best to talk to him about it and ask if it’s still something he would like to do.

I do understand where he’s coming from with finances he would like a big ceremony and is entitled to that just as much as you are to the proposal you dream about. This leaves him in a catch 22 where he has to choose between proposing now and you both moving into married life under mountains of debt, or proposing now and skipping the big ceremony that is probably very important to him. 

As others have said your feelings are perfectly valid and so are you wishes for a big proposal, but you have to remember so are his wishes for a big ceremony. Talk about it with him

Post # 9
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

roxeter :  

It’s not nagging to ask for a discussion about your shared future.  Let’s take that idea completely off the table.

What woman wouldn’t wan her man to swim the highest mountain and climb the roughest seas just to ask for her hand in matrimony?  Here on earth, men often have to be led, pushed, prodded, and scared straight before they willingly embrace adulthood.

To address the bigger issue—you don’t, at this time, know if you still want to marry your bf.  This is exactly what resentment does to a relationship.  They just keep piling up and your love finally crumbles under the weight.

The way to stop collecting resentments like postage stamps is to talk to the man.  Everyone has to get all of their cards on the table this time. No hinting, no attempts at code cracking, no couching real feelings in jokey nonsense.

And, he has no way out.  You have to insist that this discussion takes place.  Do not let him fob you off.

You’ve been reluctant to talk to him because you are unsure of whether you still want to marry him.  Bee, you can say exactly that.  It’s information he should have.

As for money being an excuse not to get married, he’s going to have to do better than that. By his logic, no one on the lower end of the income scale would be married.  Going to the courthouse is cheap.

Money is a bs excuse we get around here all the time.  Don’t accept that at face value.

Talk to him, Bee.  Open, directly, and with all of the honesty you can muster.  It’s your future, too.  He does does not own your engagement.

Please let us know how it goes.

Post # 10
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

I think in this case you really have to just tell him what you are telling us. In order for him to really understand the consequences of him not proposing he needs to hear from you why you are hurt and how it is impacting the effort you put in and your feelings about the relationship in general. Just be very real and vulnerable when you talk to him and come from a loving place. 

The only alternative I can think of is to have a friend of yours that he has a good relationship with take him out to lunch and convey to him that you are hurt. Your friend would have to come from the same loving kind and calm stance when they talk to him. Your friend should talk to him in a, Ive noticed she is a bit down and she has confided in me about how she is feeling and I thought you should know bc I know you would never want to hurt her. If you think he would be receptive to that and you have a friend who could accomplish this well than maybe it’s not a bad idea. Then you don’t feel like you are having to nag him Into a proposal and he still hears how him not proposing is hurting you. Just an idea. 

Post # 11
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I just wanted to chime in to say my fiancé proposed to me in our kitchen while we were unpacking the day we moved in together, and it was the most romantic moment of my life! That being said, I had never been “waiting” and assumed we’d talk more seriously about marriage once we were moved in together. Your situation sounds infuriating and I think you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. I also think you need to me 100% transparent and tell your bf how you feel. Communication is so important and he needs to understand that his excuses and false timeline are having a negative impact on your relationship. 

Post # 12
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Unfortunately, he’s the type of guy who if you tell him to do something, he digs his heels in.

he needs nagging to do a lot of things 

 

he gets overwhelmed when I ask him to plan things as simple as a weekend away or a day hike

 

Is this really the kind of person you want to marry? Have kids with? He’s not going to magically stop acting this way after the wedding. 

Post # 13
Member
2071 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Seconding what pamplemousses said. Why do you want to marry someone who has to be nagged into everything? I’m not sure some waiting bees understand marriage. It’s not just about proposals, rings, and weddings. I would be more concerned about already dating a man that can’t handle simple life tasks without being nagge but you’re dying to marry him. Later on you’ll be complaining about how he won’t clean, change the kids, run errands, etc after you’re finally married. Also,  to you and all other waiting bees, you should be able to have a conversation about how important marriage is to you without fearing nagging him. If he doesn’t take it well then why would you want to be with him anyway? If he does he will have no problem talking about it. I left a guy in the dust who didn’t want to explicitly agree to be my boyfriend but wanted to keep sleeping with me. Umm no fuxk that. If I could ditch him for not being exclusive with me why cant you have an adult conversation with the person you want to marry. You will be having tons of difficult conversations for the rest of your life. Are you going to wait in silence for everything out of fear of nagging him? Just, no. 

Post # 14
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

That sucks. Seems like there’s always something to dump his money into first. Kinda unrealistic, actually, or he just wasn’t ready before and used those other things as excuses. If everyone waited to get married until they could pay off their car and loans and buy a house . . . fuck. Just . . . Fuck. Lol 

Do you love him? Do you still want to marry him? You should really figure that out first before a talk or neither of you will know what you want.

He definitely should not have kept blowing you off like he did because he took you for granted and figured you’d be around even without a proposal that would move your relationship forward.

Post # 15
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Given your possible age-related fertility issues and also his long list of essential savings projects, perhaps it’s time for you to bag him and begin to think about finding someone who doesn’t have a dozen hurdles he thinks he has to jump before he can get engaged, much less married. Someone easier to deal with. Someone you like.

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