Post # 17
I second trying Mr. Bee’s three step plan to getting engaged. Men are very strange creatures when it comes to getting engaged, or doing things that you want them to. I am pretty open-minded and never thought that it would be sooo true. But try the plan and let us know what happens! I bet it works!!! Maybe he is waiting until he graduates in 1.5 years and gets a job!! I wouldn’t be surprised. I also got engaged without a ring (if that’s okay with you 28 years ago.) And he surprised me 4 years later with a ring at Christmas-he used his entire Christmas bonus to buy it for me. Don’t give up, it sounds like you have a keeper. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 18
You mentioned that he helps you take care of your kiddos. That’s a wonderful sign, right? I believe that when someone enters a relationship and embraces another’s children with open arms, it’s an excellent indication of serious commitment. Don’t get me wrong – I know exactly what it’s like to be (over)eager about engagement and marriage. It’s hard being called someone’s “girlfriend” when your feelings, desires and expectations exceed that title.
However, try to be patient. If you believe that this man is truly meant for you,try to put forth more effort to understand his situation. I would imagine that being unemployed while going through school and planning to become a doctor can be very stressful.
And although you explained you would be content with a $5 ring, perhaps your boyfriend wants more for you. You would be surprised how much an engagement ring means to a man – I sure was! You’d think a guy would be over the moon to hear that they could just pop a peice of tin on your hand and call it a day, but an engagement ring is their one chance to wow and surprise us – they want it to be special.
When you find yourself feeling especially impatient and frustrated, just imagine that you two are already married, and think about the levels of understanding and acceptance that comes along with the very commitment you are seeking.
Post # 19
I think 2-3 years is unreasonable for him to ask. If marriage is important to you I think it is time to move on. I am also 32 and I am not waiting much longer for my beau. It’s biology. I’m not a Hollywood star, I’m not trying to have a baby at 40.
I also have this to say….there are other men out there that are right for you too. Don’t put everything on one man because you feel invested in your time together. It is as much your right to get married as it is his right not to want to right now. Timing!
Post # 20
Oops I read that wrong, YOU said 2-3 years. Gotcha! I think you are being very patient giving him until the new year to figure this out.
I still stand by my above post.
Post # 21
Why don’t you propose to him?
Post # 22
Zalonia! i remember you. poor thing. we both have younger men. its hard. they just dont understand at first how important time is for us.
im glad to hear that youve talked with him and been specific and that he knows your time line. this helped me very much with my younger guy. took him about 3 months from our talk but he started really getting in gear once i was specific and then layed off.
since he knows, and i also assume hes aware that you dont need anything out of his price range, i think the best thing you can do from here on out is try to give him some time to marinate on this himself and in the meantime, as mr. bees plan says, do things that build you up and keep you distracted and happy. don’t lose faith in him yet. he has said that he wants this too, you just need to show him you have faith in yourself and that he wont get a wife until he wifes you!
job stresses suck but hopefully he sees that you stickin by him through this shows you are true blue and he shouldnt risk losing that. 🙂
Post # 23
Zalonia: I agree with Audreysdance that his age may be playing a big role here, in general it takes men longer than it takes women to be ready for a life commitment, and in this case he’s only 26 right? Pretty young to be married in many parts of the world, and of course the US right now. Are his male friends married? If they’re not that could be a reason why he’s dragging his feet…. I believe that some men are geniuenly not ready to be married at a certain age, and sometimes wonder if it is a good idea to push them if that’s the case. I’m always adciving womem to get out of relationships when the guys are not giving them what they need, but for some reason in your case it seems like he really loves you and your kids and he’s commited to your relationship, but maybe he’s in an age where he’s not mature enough to not be scared to take the plunge? If you really love him and he loves you maybe you can give him a bit more time than the end of 2011… in what concerns to having a kid, more and more women are having babies even after 40… I think it’s better if you wait until he’s emotionally ready to be a husband and a father, instead of pushing him to take those steps. Besides the age factor, the not having a job factor and being still in school is a big deal for a guy. He’s probably suffering because of that right now, and of course hw would like to feel capable of supporting you and your family (or at least contributing to support) before proposing.
Having said that, only you know your situation, and if you really feel like it’s not going to happen, like you mentioned in the subject, there’s a chance you might be right. Trust your instinct in this one. Best of luck!
Post # 24
Have you discussed getting married without having a wedding? Would you feel ok going to the courthouse with your two children and a few family members and being married without the big hoopla that so many weddings encourage? Would you be ok with a courthouse wedding if you could save for a bigger wedding in the future?
Maybe you need to also ask HIM these questions, and if he balks, well, he’s not the one for you. BUT, if he says he would marry you tomorrow, then you should either go ahead and do it or be happy you’ve found a man that loves you and wants to stay with you, but maybe wants to figure out his career before he puts a ring on it 🙂
Post # 25
hi everyone…i feel like i am losing my mind we just had this huge arguement. i really think that this is affecting me more and more. i am building up resentment towards him and it is manifesting itself as bitchiness. things that i would normally be amusing are not so funny anymore. i am so at a loss right now. after we fought he wated to talk things out but i was so mad that i told him to get all his stuff out of my house. in that moment i felt so over it that i wanted to scream! we ended up talking once we both calmed down and i told him about my frustration. he listened to me but he also told me that he felt like i was obsessing about this ring that i found before(i was excited about it and i admit i was too over eager. so i take full responsibility on this) he said he wants to get married as much i do but he just does obsess like i do. but i feel like we dont have real conversations that are two sided and i guess i need reassurance that we are on the same page.
so now i feel so horrible. my wanting a life for us is pushing him away, making me crazy, and causing us to fight. so im done i will not bring it up to him ever again.
to answer some of your questions…
-none of his friends are married
-no, i will not have babies after fourty…for me that is too old…my 14 year old is autistic and i am deathly afraid about having kids after a certain point because the risk for developmental disabilities increases substantially with the mothers age.
-he is a good guy…please dont get me wrong. he loves my kids and will don ANYTHING for them. he never cared that my son is special needs…never treated him any different
i need to just focus on other stuff and stop worrying about this. and when i reach my limit i will know and i will do what i have to do then.
Post # 26
So sorry this is happening to you….hugs! I just got in a huge fight with my beau too. He doesn’t seem to understand that not giving me hope is making me crazy. But if I don’t bring it up from time to time I just get angrier. I don’t know how long people can hold out but my threshold is low. I just feel depleted and I don’t even want to be around him right now. I don’t feel affectionate. I feel angry that he can’t even validate where I am coming from. We just go round and round.
I feel pretty upset that love and marriage has come down to this. And let me state that there is no reason we couldn’t be engaged right now. NO REASON. He is in a state to get married, we have money, jobs etc….and it’s pissing me off!
Maybe I’m just old fashioned but I thought men were supposed to sweat this stuff. They were supposed to want to and bring up marriage. My dad was married and had me when he was 27 so I’m sorry that 26 doesn’t seem that young to me. In many countries that is middle aged! There is something off in our culture that doesn’t teach boys about the benefits of marriage because let me tell you there are many!!!
Sorry you are low right now
Post # 27
vikingprincess…i am sending you a big hug because i COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from and how you feel! i swear…not talking about it from time to time, as u said, does making me more and more resentful and annoyed as well. ugh…i need a hobby…badly!!! this is horrible…
hope u feel better as well
Post # 28
I can completely relate! I have made deadlines in my head too. (Although, I just pushed one back!) The only advice I have to offer is to be patient! Believe me, easier said than done because I’m also dating a younger guy. 4.5 years younger.
@future mrs kirsch – how did you deal with that? my bf is the same way. he wants to give me the world on a platinum platter….but all i want is a commitment. sometimes, i lose sight of all the wonderful things he says he wants to do for me and give into the frustration. i start to get really insecure and start thinking that he just doesn’t really want to marry me. then i get extremely passive aggressive. i’m beyond ashamed of it and i felt horrible when i realized what i was doing.
@vikingprincess – yep. i guess what i was explaining is what you already posted about!
thank you all for making me normal….or at least as crazy as every one else! 🙂 good luck and hopefully, this low passes soon for all of us!
Post # 29
hey – try and relax. We all know how frustrating it can be waiting and waiting and waiting for those boys to ask us. But you said yourself he is a good man who is good with your kids and it seems like you have been clear with your deadlines for him.
I think not having a job at the moment will definately be affecting him – I know you said its only $60 less a week than his previous job, but maybe he wants to feel as if he can provide for you properly before the engagement?
Just try and hang in there – I am sure he will get there!
Post # 30
It is very easy to say that there are other men out there or other fish in the sea, but talk to any of your single girlfriends and find out if that is true. Good men (that are still single) are not so easy to come by these days and it amazes me how quickly some women would rather throw out a great relationship. @zalonia, I am so glad that it sounds like you are calming down a bit and realizing that he is a “keeper”….
I think it is so sad to hear women putting so much emphasis on “the ring” and practically ignoring the great relationship they have in front of them. I just think true love is not that easy to come by….I don’t believe that there is anyone “made” for me the same way as my husband and I don’t think he would have been easily replaceable. If you are in a relationship where you are willing to set a deadline and it would be that easy for you to just give it up and walk away, sure to find something better than what you’ve got, then maybe you’re in the wrong relationship.
Post # 31
I have to agree with the age vote. My fiance is 26 and everyone is continually going on and on about how he’s too young. He’s the only sensible one out of all his friends, who are out partying all the time. It seems like you’ve managed to find a sensible one, too! I think he really wants to make sure he does right by you, and that’s he in a good place in life before settling down. If you stop focussing on it, it’ll happen before you know it! 🙂