(Closed) Don't want my father to come / Fake ceremony?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I would not have a fake ceremony and reception.  

I also would not lie on my wedding day and pretend my father is someone he isn’t.

I would tell my aunt and grandmother that I wouldn’t be inviting him and I’d even outline why. I wouldn’t argue about it with them, just say it matter of factly.  

They may get upset with you.  They probably will if they’re living in denial.  But you can’t allow him to continue to upset your life.  This is your wedding and your life and you are entitled to be happy.  A fake wedding or pretending he’s some great guy is not going to make you happy and honestly, is a disservice to the people who DID raise you and support you all these years.  

 

Post # 4
Member
46406 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t be haviing any fake wedding.  I would have the wedding I want.

I would find a private way to give special thanks to the parents you want to honor.

  I would not give a public snub to your Bio-Dad, no matter what type of parent he has been.

Post # 5
Member
13012 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would not have a fake ceremony at all.  Just have the wedding you want…  Talk to your aunt and grandmother about your reservations and tell them you don’t want him there, but you do want them.  But, don’t start your married life with deceit. 

Post # 6
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow, this is really tough. I absolutely do not think that you can have a fake ceremony. That is totally unrealistic and you shouldn’t have to go to such extremes. But I appreciate your creativity. The things we do to avoid conflict!

Is there any way you can talk to your grandmother/aunt prior to the wedding and hopefully they may see your point of view on the subject? They must know that he has let you down time and time again- even if they cut him some slack. Maybe they can understand how stressful it would be on you to have your dad in attendance- that is, if he even shows- they would cut you some slack (that seems to be their MO)

Or maybe you can talk to your dad directly? Despite his shortcomings, he is an adult and MUST have some sort of self realization that he is a terrible dad to you. Maybe this is how he can make it up to you- you invite him, he declines, and all remains well with aunt/grandmother.

Good luck to you!

Post # 7
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Tell your grandmother and aunt that you love them and respect their feelings about your father; but that your wedding day is about you and your fiance and that you don’t want your father there.  Tell them that you don’t want to hurt them, but you have to do what’s right for you.  And then honor your mom and stepdad without your father there.

Post # 13
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

Im going against the grain and saying invite him. Im in a similar situation and I realised it would be more hassle not to invite him that to invite. This does not mean he gets all the perks of being father of the bride. There are ways you can mention him in public without taking away from you mother and stepfather. So, for example you can thank you dad for coming and done. You can thank you mum and step dad for all their help etc etc. and what can you grandma say to you. He hasnt done anything. As for your tradition – dont change it just do it. Id probably lie and say it can only be done to married people if he makes up a fuss or something. 

With regards to you grandma and you aunt, Id still have a talk with them. Let them know that you decided it was only right to invite your dad despite the amount of times hes hurt you and that it was a difficult decision. I would then remind them that it is your wedding and that for one day, you need their complete support. That, of course youll acknowlege him as your father but that of course due to his unreliability, he wont be able to be involved in everything. Id explain this to him too. It sucks but sometimes compromises are the best solution. 

 

In any case you should definitely NOT fake a wedding …. i really doubt how long youd be able to keep it up for.

 

Even if you invite your father, he may ntot come 

Post # 14
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

 Don’t have a fake ceremony. To me, that is catering to your bio-dad even more.  If it were me, I would be the bigger person and suck it up and invite him. Find a more private, special way to honor the parents who have been the best to you.

Trust me, I understand how hard it is to suck it up and invite someone that you do not want at your wedding. 

Darling Husband has a certain family member who I do not care for at all. This family member has never done much for Darling Husband, and worst of all, has thrown him under the bus on numerous occasions. I did NOT want this person at our wedding, but it was going to greatly upset another family member that Darling Husband is close to…so, we invited the person in question. We didn’t give them any special overtures or anything like that, just invited them. They came, sat through the ceremony, greeted us in the reception line, gave us a gift, and that was it. It wasn’t the catastrophe that I thought it would be…there were so many people there that we didn’t have time to waste on this one individual. 

Post # 15
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@LauraJay:  Do you want to invite your biological father?  I think given the history, no one could fault you if you didn’t.  It’s just my personal opinion, but I think everyone should invite people to their wedding who love, respect, and support them… and no one else.

Post # 16
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m going to come from a more cultural perspective because I totally understand what you are trying to say.  That said, I am also against the fake ceremony idea. If I were you, I’d elope or have a very intimate wedding ceremony with just the essential people present and then have a reception dinner/banquet for many guests on a different day. 

 

If it is all unavoidable, I would be more selfish and only invite those who you want there on your day. If they are willing to walk out of your life because they are more loyal to your father than you, you will be better off without them.

 

I got married and my own father was not invited.  Luckily I am no close with anyone on my fathers side so I did not invite any of them, nor tell them I was getting married.  

 

I had a destination wedding with my closest family and friends.  I was happy without having to think of my father on the day of my wedding and truly do NOT regret it at all.  You are allowed to be selfish for that day and they may be mad, but they WILL get over it. You’re going to have to tough this one out.

 

They got over your dad being a useless person, they will get over it.

 

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