(Closed) Don’t want my future children subjected to smoking (hubs parents are smokers)

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You and I are in a VERY similer situation, okqb.  Fiance and I have talked a lot about his parent’s smoking and he and I have come to the conclusion that we will not be able to go into his parents house when we have children.  They are chain smokers and their house is very dirty as a result.  I do not feel comfortable staying there and I could not subject a small child to that.  As of now, our plan is to visit them, but get a hotel room once we have kids.  We can visit and do day trips, but we will not bring our children into a house with that much smoke/ash in the air/furnature/floors/etc.  It might take some time for your Fiance to understand, but not entering the house does not have to mean not visiting.  It’s tough.  Keep the communication open between the two of your.  Good luck πŸ™‚ 

Post # 4
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I am also in a similar situation – my husband’s stepfather cannot walk into the house without a cigarette already lit. We never stay inside their house more than a couple of minutes, otherwise we reak of smoke. (And of course inhale deadly, unnecessary chemicals).

Luckily we both agree that we don’t want to subject our kids to this. Our kids will not visit Grandma at her house, she will have to come visit. He has actually already expressed this concern to her. However, his stepfather is currently trying to quit smoking (he’s on the smoking cessation pill)….so we’ll see how that goes. But the smell will always linger…

Post # 5
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I feel the exact same way! I won’t be taking my kids to my mother’s house if they continue to smoke inside. If home visits are a priority for them, they’ll change their habits. There can be plenty of reasons to restrict where you take your children, and as long as you’re not being crazy or selfish about them, i think you are fine. Smoke inhalation is a serious thing. not to mention that babies put everything in their mouths, and smokers have ashes fly around, get smoke dander on everything in the house, etc. They can choose to live however they want, and so can you, even if that includes censoring where you take your own children.

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My parents smoke and I would have zero issue bringing this up with them. AS it is, i’m asthmatic and I finally got them to stop smoking in the house. Now my mom is having back surery and has to quit anyways, so they’re making that transition. Even though I don’t like them smoking, I really don’t like it when people stare at them and mad-dog them like they’re really bad people for it! That’s the worst. And so awkward!

When the time comes, I think that’s a conversation you will have to have with them. They can smoke–outside, but not near your children. See if you can encourage them to quit smoking IN the house and IN the car (my parents do neither now that they saw what it did to their walls/furniture) at least for their grandchildren’s sake. You’d be surprised what people give up for their grandkids. But i also know it was really tough for my parents to get it…they didn’t see how smoke bothered me so much because, well, they’re used to it. When I’d come home from college, I’d stay in my room most of the day because I could barely stand the living room. I’d have to wash every single piece of clothing I brought into their home.

I wouldn’t really bring up the conversation now unless it’s provoked….like, you’re there in the house or something and you can comment offhand to your Fiance, “man i really hope your parents cut back by the time we have kids” and if he invokes conversation, discuss it. If not, bring it up later. But definitely something to put your foot down about. It’s YOU raising YOUR children. That’s above and beyond what they do in their own house.

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh PS my mom has been on Chantix and it has REALLY helped her.

I promise the smell does eventually go away, lol. But be prepared for some brutal home cleaning =]. Wiping down walls, carpet cleanngs, etc. But you know what, even a smoker will get tired of the way their house smells if they don’t continue to smoke inside.

Post # 8
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant

I think your feelings are completely reasonable, and I know that it might be hard to talk to the ILs about it, but when it’s your kids, you just gotta do what ya gotta do.

Your ILs are smart enough to know that second hand smoke is dangerous, and since YOU will be/are the mother, you have the right to ask them not to smoke in front of the children. 

Whether or not you guys are talking about children yet, I’d bring it up with your husband so he knows how you feel, and if he feels a little uneasy about bringing it up with him, at least it’ll give him time to prepare for that day!

You don’t have to lecture them about not smoking, but they of all people should know that grandparents have a huge impact on children, and you simply don’t want your children to see them set an unhealthy example.  Trust me, they’ll love your kids so much that they’ll want to protect them from seeing their bad habits.

Post # 9
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@ejs – i always would hole myself up in my room for my entire life – i feel your pain! it’s nice having my own house now and though i was delighted for my mother’s visit this past weekend I did enjoy enforcing my OWN house rules..

– the door is that way, go about 10-20 paces away, and then you can smoke. The rain should let up soon! πŸ˜‰ JK.. sorta

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with @Rosie in saying keep the communication open between you & Darling Husband when you come to this part of your life, I’m sure he’ll understand your concern.

I think your concern is 100% justified. I wouldn’t want my (future) children to be in a smokefilled house even if it is to visit, it can irritate their sinus’ (leading to sinus infections), hurt their eyes (if the smoke is heavy enough) and overall it just makes you smell bad. I would just suggest they come to visit you, or have Darling Husband express his concern that you really don’t want your children exposed to the harmful toxins in 2nd handsmoke. I would think grandparents would understand that!

Post # 11
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Melissa Begins – I love it!!  I am always getting on to my Future Mother-In-Law about smoking.  Luckily they only do it outside and try to stay away from the kids with it.  I think its all about laying down the ground rules when it comes to your kids.  I know beyond just smoking in the house, I am still going to have a hard time letting my IL’s hold my newborn child when their clothes and hands reak of smoke.

Post # 13
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t have any advice to talk to them about it but just wanted to let you all know about how much of a pain it was for my dad to get the smoke smell out of his new house.  They had to clean all the vents, replace all the flooring, primer the walls multiple times, and replace all the outlet covers.  It takes a lot to get that stale smoke smell out.

Post # 14
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I used to be a smoker, but would never have done it in the house or in any enclosed space really. I think they will understand when you explain that you are hoping that they can start smoking outdoors for the good ofthe grandchildren. I think trying to get them to quit is likely a waste of time, but you can persuade them to look at the way they smoke differently.

As long as you don’t come across as judgemental, I don’t see why it should be a problem, but as others have stated, it might be best to wait until you are pregnant or at least TTC.

 

Post # 15
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m happy I’m not the only one thinking “pre-maturly” about this issue! My situation is a little different though, Future Father-In-Law doesn’t smoke inside, and Future Mother-In-Law is OCD clean freak so their house is fine. His father smokes a LOT, and he also smokes filterless cigs… As a result, he REAKS of smoke. I can smell him in church when he’s a few people away. His car is horrible, the roof is black. The other day, he had a smoke and then left with us to check out some appliances for our new home. When we got 10 min. down the road he had to have another smoke before coming in. Finished that, we got in the car… 10 min. later he had another smoke at the next store! The co-founder of his company even had lung cancer… they apparently quit for a bit, but he’s smoking a storm now. It’s gotten so much worse than when we first started dating. I couldn’t tell he smoked before… 

My fear, is literally not him smoking around the one day baby…. but just even holding the baby on his chest, etc… with all that on him. Does anyone else worry about that? I’m literally going to prob. have mini panic attacks…. one day.

Couple that with the fact that his mom is really frail and I’m afraid if she was watching the one day toddler… if they fell and got hurt, etc… she couldn’t pick them up and carry them. I’m talking past 20 lbs would be really hard… 

They’re the best, just like the OP they’ve always been so accepting of me. MUCH more so than my parents were of Fiance… but with my family half the country away, and FIL’s that I’m nervous of for one day child watching… I’m really nervous… The smoke is one thing, but I can’t really bring up his mom’s frailty πŸ™

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