Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2014 - Barn
Before I explain my reasons, Id like to say I have a VERY closen relationship with her and she pretty much remembers most of her life with me. I do tons of stuff with her, spoil her, love her and all. She is 10 years old andh will be 11 years old for our wedding. I have asked her to be my Junior Bridesmaid, which she is excited about and has been helping me do projects for the wedding and etc.
My FI’s family is very close and I get along with them great. A few months ago my FSIL mentioned she seen on tv a family ceremony with sand pouring and suggested it to me. Ibasically said she may not be comfortable since I had asked if she wanted to do a reading and she didnt want to. Just the other day my FMIL mentioned the same thing “because after all it is a family joining”. Ugh…
My parents are divorced and remarried so I feel differently about some things. I really believe the wedding and especially the ceremony is about the bride and groom and their commitment to each other. I dont think its fair to be making kids saying vows (a grown up thing), nor is it fair for me to say vows and promise things when things could go wrong in the future with FI and I. I also really dont like sand ceremonies. I love the idea of presenting her a necklace of say 3 hearts or circles, but I would perfer to do that in private as I know it will be an emotional momwnt for me. It could be done during the ceremony but Im afraid/not sure what would have to be said.
Am I being a bitch? Suggestions on what to do and what to tell his family when they bring it up?
Post # 3
@TattooedChick23: what if you say that you have the ceremony planned already but intend to share a private moment with her before.
I hate other people putting expectations on me. Ugh.
Post # 4
As a junior bridesmaid will she be walking down the aisle and standing up front? That sounds like enough involvement in the ceremony to me. Definitely no need for a sand ceremony if you don’t want it. And maybe give her a necklace at the rehearsal dinner, or maybe in the morning while getting ready? I agree that that’s better done in private than during the ceremony.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@TattooedChick23: She’s 10. Why don’t you ask her what role she would like in the ceremony? She may be fine with just walking down the aisle and not being put on the spot in the center of attention. I think doing something privately like your necklace idea is a great idea. I spoke vows to my stepdaughter in my first wedding ceremony and she was super shy and embarassed about it; in hindsight, I should have done it privately which would have suited her best.
Post # 6
@sah612: +1. You nailed it.
Post # 7
@TattooedChick23: I have a son who will be 9 on my wedding day. He is as shy as his mother and isn’t keen on doing much. He is going to stand up with my FI, sort of like a mini best man, and that’s it. It doesn’t mean we wont be joinin our families or anything like that. That is just what makes the three of us comfortable. Do what works for you guys! Good luck 🙂
Post # 8
I thought you didn’t want her to do anythiing, but she’s a BM! that’s plenty. You don’t have do do any other rituatls you don’t want to. Just tell FSIL that it’s your ceremoney and you will plan it as you like.
Post # 9
@TattooedChick23: You aren’t being a bitch, in fact I think its nice to see a step-parent that leaves the blending of a family in a private arena.
Post # 10
I disagree with you that the wedding day is only about the bride and groom, it’s about bringing two families together, as well. It’s up to you guys if you want to do a ritual showing your joining your family together. I always thinks it’s a really nice gesture. But, if it’s not your style, then I think something private beforehand is nice, as well. The kids I’ve known who had a family joinging ceremony thing really enjoyed it, though.
Post # 11
Don’t let your future in-laws put your stepdaughter in a position she doesn’t want to be in.
Talk to her, ask her how she’d like to be involved (and tell her that being a junior bridesmaid is involved enough if she likes!) and after that… you can stop stressing about what everyone else thinks you should do.
They’re always going to have an opinion (especially about your wedding), so I think it’s better to come to an understanding with your stepdaughter about her opinions. And, after that? It’s nobody’s business but yours and hers. 🙂
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2014 - Barn
Thank you everyone for all your kind words, and I was so prepared to be bashed! I have mentioned she was too shy to do the reading but then they say oh pft, she was brave at her aunt’s wedding… erm… she was a flower girl, all she did was walk down the aisle…
The more I think about it, I love the necklace idea and we could even have it captured privately after our first look.
I hate when people assume that since I dont want to do a joining ceremony thingy that she wont be my family or that I dont love her. Thats way far from the truth.
Post # 13
I really find it creepy when the bride or groom makes promises to the stepchildren–and doubly so when the stepchildren are expected to make promises. It makes it look as though the children are expected to make the relationship work–which is far too big a burden to put on them. And if the two of you split up, but you’ve made vows to the children, are you really going to keep those vows? If not, you shouldn’t be making them.
Post # 14
Do what you’re comfortable with. That being said, just about every wedding I have attended in recent years where children from previous relationships were involved, the children were acknowledged in the wedding ceremony in some fashion. I have never seen it done with sand though – usually just joining hands. When children are involved, a marriage is a creation of a blended family, not the mere joining of a man and a woman. However if your stepdaughter is shy, I am sure there are other ways to celebrate.
Post # 15
@TattooedChick23: Ha, you caught me out with a misleading title. You should have said, “I don’t want to devote half the ceremony to my stepdaughter”.
Having her as Junior BM is perfect. FMIL and FSIL need to butt out.
For the record, I’ve been to several weddings where one or both partners had children, and never once seen them involved other than being in the wedding party and maybe a mention during the celebrant’s message.