don’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore :(

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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mandy30 :  Well.. perhaps as a compromise you show up to the wedding, don’t participate beyond that, leave the boyfriend at home, leave at 9 PM when all duties are over and leave the friendship behind if it doesn’t serve you anymore.  Tell your boyfriend that you’re not interested in pursuing the friendship but you also don’t want to blow up one of the most important days of a person’s life because you wouldn’t want it to happen to you. 

Post # 18
Member
6943 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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mandy30 :  So you seem to be saying that YOU chose to start distancing yourself from these friends, so I don’t really see how this is the bride’s fault. You’ve obviously not been reaching out to her either. Maybe this friendship has just run it’s course. Maybe she feels like you don’t like her much anymore because you’ve become distant. 

When exactly did you start distancing yourself from these friendships? Was it around the same time you and your bf got together? Because that could be why your friends are somewhat cold to him. They might think he’s the reason you’ve changed (I’m not saying he is, but from an outsider’s perspective it could appear that way). 

If you want to drop out of this wedding, that’s your right. But it will definitely end your friendship. Are you okay with that? 

Post # 20
Member
6943 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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mandy30 :  Okay well that timeline still makes me think they think your bf is the reason you’ve distanced yourself from them. I’ve been on both sides of this and it totally sucks to think/see your good friend changing for a guy. But also…people change and evolve and drift apart. It’s a normal part of life. You haven’t really described quite how the bride was mean to your bf though. You said she’s been short with him. What has she said? Does she actively ignore him? 

All this comes down to what I wrote above though: are you okay with these friendships being completely over?

Post # 21
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper

Short Version:  Your main complaint is they are being exactly who they have always been and that isn’t your style.  Suck it up.  You made a commitment for a one day party, not to actually marry her.  You put on outfit, walk down an aisle, eat dinner and some cake, and then you go home and if you never want to see her again after that, you don’t have to.  And your boyfriend doesn’t have to go if he doesn’t want to – it is an invitation, not a subpoena.  As for his discomfort about you attending at all…again it is walking down an aisle, smiling for photos, and eating.  Unless he really is a POS and thinks your friends are going to take the opportunity to unleash their true feelings about him and make you see what a POS he is, there shouldn’t be much cause for alarm here.

Long Version:   When you say you started distancing yourself from them what does that mean? Does that mean you started ghosting them? Does that mean you started declining to do things with them without explanation? If they wanted to do something you were no longer interested in, did you politely decline and then offer to meet up to do something else? For example “Hey, I don’t really feel like going out to the club but how about we have dinner tomorrow night?”  When they started treating your boyfriend coldly did you try having a conversation with them and asking them about it?

Because based on how poorly you provided information in your original post, if that’s the same level of communication you have with your friends, then I’m going to guess that they are taking you’re distancing from them very personally. And if you didn’t make other attempts to communicate and find common ground if you didn’t care for some of the activities you used to do and this coincided with you starting to date your boyfriend, then my guess is they connected the two and blame him for why your friendship deteriorated. And depending on your attitude about the things that they still like to do that you used to like to do, and how will you communicated that, it’s quite possible they feel judged by you, which is just a shitty, shitty feeling.  It doesn’t make their treatment of your boyfriend ok, but it might give you a reason why and help you see how you may have contributed to this problem.

So at this point you need to suck it up and stick with the commitment you made. Then you need to decide whether this is a friendship you want to keep, or whether this friendship has outlived its usefulness and you no longer have enough in common. If it’s the former, then I recommend you make a better attempt at bridging the communication gap and discussing things like adults. If it’s the latter then just simply let things fade away after the wedding.

Post # 22
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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mandy30 :  Still sounds like you’ve decided to distance yourself from them because of your boyfriend, they’ve always been party girls so that hasn’t changed, you accepted her invite to be a bridesmaid being full aware of who she is. 

If your boyfriend thinks they’re a bad influence because they party too much, fine. But he should trust that you’re able to stand up in her wedding for one night without getting caught up in her “crazy party girl lifestyle”. Just because he doesn’t like them doesn’t give him a right to say you can’t attend a wedding.

Post # 23
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Per the update, then, I would definitely NOT quit bridesmaid duties. That is an extremely harsh reaction, but it’s exacerbated by the fact the wedding is THREE MONTHS away. 

These girls have not verbally abused your boyfriend. They have not punched him, degraded him, or anything of the sort. Because of this, you have no reason to just quit. After the wedding, it is entirely your choice as to whether or not you remain close to these girls. But you have said yes to being a bridesmaid. For three months, just suck it up. 

Your boyfriend needs to support you remaining a part of this group, if ONLY for the sake of etiquette. Skedaddle all you want after the wedding, but stay where you are right now, until they get verbally abusive. But so far, it sounds like their only crime is really just being party girls, and maybe seeing your boyfriend as a little too anti-partying to really mesh with him That’s not a bad thing, just awkward. 

Post # 24
Member
1787 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

My best friend’s husband and I hated each other until they’d been married for over a year. Now we get along great. Thankfully my friend didn’t ditch either of us. 

 

Post # 25
Member
3083 posts
Sugar bee

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mandy30 :  so if it was your decision, this whole falling out of contact thing isn’t really their fault, it is yours. So that isn’t the reason that you want to drop out of being a bridesmaid. That is pretty shitty to accept the role then all of a sudden decide you dont want to be friends with them and stop talking to them for 6 months and then drop out 3 months beforehand.

Realistically, you should have said something 6 months ago. Now it would be hard for someone else to order and alter a dress. Not impossible, but it isn’t cool. I am also getting vibes that you don’t want to go because your boyfriend feels uncomfortable.

It is fine to grow out of friends and if partying isn’t your thing anymore, thats fine. They may be feeling cold towards your boyfriend because they blame him for “taking you away” or “changing you” but everyone grows up and settles down when in relationships. You dont have to completely cut your friends because you have different interests, but it is your choice. 

But for this, i would say that you made a commitment and should be there for your friend. She didn’t do anything outright rude to your boyfriend, she just doesnt make an effort to talk to get to know him. has he made the effort ? You can choose after the wedding if you want to remain friends, but they dont sound awful. 

 

 editing to add that my BFF and husband did NOT like eachother for probably the first year or 2 we dated haha. They are pretty good friends now. 

Post # 26
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you’re looking for reasons to not like these people when all that’s happened is you’ve grown apart. Which is fine and natural. But you’ve made a commitment to be in this wedding and you should see it through.

I would be more concerned about dating someone who gives me ultimatums about my friends. Unless we are missing information, they have not done anything egregiously disrespectful to your boyfriend to warrant him not going to the wedding. 

My friend was moh in a wedding where the bride had been extremely rude and disrespectful, perpetually, to her boyfriend for multiple years. (Basically a “he’s not good enough for you” situation where he hasn’t done anything wrong other than not having a high paying job and being younger.) While he limits his contact with this person as much as he can, he still showed up to the wedding. Because it was important to his girlfriend and he didn’t want to make her choose between her friend and her boyfriend.

Go to the wedding. It sounds like the relationships are naturally fizzling out and you won’t have to worry about them much after that.

Post # 27
Member
3317 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

So…

You accepted the invitation to be a bridesmaid knowing full well who the bride is and what her friends are like.

In the meantime, YOU have changed and have decided that you no longer enjoy the lifestyle that group of friends is living. 

Instead of putting the effort in to maintain your friendships by suggesting alternativethings to do together than partying, you’ve chosen to just stop hanging out with them and stop contacting them.

Your distancing of yourself from them *happened* to occur shortly after you began dating someone new.

…and you are confused as to why they are a little bit cold towards your boyfriend? Have you even tried to see things from their perspective? 

There is nothing wrong with changing and growing, but if you care about peopelyou need to be honest and open with them about the ways you are changing. You don’t just ghost on people who think you’re there friend, and you certainly don’t push them away and then get so upset that they aren’t thrilled about what they quite logically perceive to be impetus to your change (the bf) that you bail out of a meaningful commitment that you made months ago this late in the game. In case it hasn’t been crystal clear up to this point, you are being the dick here. Not your friends. 

Post # 28
Member
6949 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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mandy30 :  Per your update, you should still call the bride and see what’s going on in her life – if she can’t be bothered to call you back, as I said before, I would just step down. Additionally if you don’t want to be friends anymore you should step down. If you do want to salvage this friendship, then you need to continue with the bridesmaid plan.

From my perspective, You’ve already kissed this relationship goodbye and quite frankly if I were the bride I would not want to see you and all of my photos faking being my friend. You guys have grown apart (which is fine!) and if you aren’t friends, you just shouldn’t be there. I realize many think it’s rude to step down early but I think it’s worse to mess up her memories of the day forever by being in all the pics. 

Post # 29
Bee
5200 posts
Bee Keeper

So you think the bride is ignoring your boyfriend and he doesnt want to go to the wedding and he doesn’t want you to go either, despite the fact that you made a commitment to the bride.

You made the commitment, stick to it. Friends ignoring your boyfriend isn’t the end of the world and it’s not worth breaking a promise you made, And any boyfriend that makes you feel bad about doing something he doesnt want to do is not a great boyfriend. Your friends may know something you don’t (or don’t want to know).

Post # 30
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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skunktastic :  +1.

 

If you decided not to be in her life then step down asap. Tell he rthat unfortunatly plans have changes and you can’t make it. I would rather not have a fake friends beside me during my most special day as well as all the most important photos. Decided if you want to attend as a guest with your bf or just decline all together (she could spend that money on something else). 

People change and grow up all the time. Some friendships fizzle out and other stay. If you want to give it a try with your friendship and see if it can stand the change then try it out. Suggest alternative instead of partying. If they ask about it, own it and said you just don’t want to (whatever is your reason).

eavefriends since early childhood. My friendships changed so much from elementary school, middle school, highschool, college, Parenthood, cfbc, etc. We don’t do the same things in each different stages and we adapt accordingly. I have some that fizzled out. 

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