(Closed) Don't want to be in FSIL's wedding… How to say it nicely…

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not to mention I just got a promotion at work so that will be demanding, I’m taking THREE MBA classes this semester whereas I usually only take 2, AND I’m studying abroad in May in CHINA. On top of all that I will need to begin planning my own destination wedding which is in April of next year. — There is you excuse!

Honestly, as a bride I wouldn’t want anyone being bridesmaid just because I asked.. I would WANT my friends/sister to be there with me. My sister isn’t big into the wedding thing, when I ask her to be a bridesmaid if she says no I’d be totally cool with it (we’re hispanic too)

I don’t blame you for feeling strange. I think I would too with the age difference etc.

Post # 4
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

This won’t be the answer you’re looking for, but I think you need to suck it up and be a bridesmaid. As close as you say their family is, I feel you could be causing major problems/ drama if you decline.

That said, I think you can certainly tell her that while you love her and are so honored to have been invited, because of the promotion/classes/etc., you are not going to be able to participate in pre-wedding planning and activities. Let her know that you aren’t going to be able to devote time, etc. You’re probably not going to be able to help the other bridesmaids in the shower, etc.- again, it’s not because you don’t love her, but because you’re going to have a crazy schedule.

All you “HAVE” to do is get a dress. The other girls can do the other stuff. If you are upfront with Future Sister-In-Law , she (and the other girls) can’t be upset, and maybe she’ll tell you that you don’t have to be a bridesmaid. 

Post # 5
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Reign14:  grown woman weight gave me the giggles. 🙂

I really want to tell you to just break it to her about your schedule but culturally Im worried that you might offend someone. And while I was reading your post I, too, thought that maybe she asked you out of obligation. I wonder if there is some other role you can come up with that they haven’t thought of? Your time is totally crucial; the uncomfortable factor really shouldn’t come into play because there are plenty of BMs that are uncomfortable. It’s kind of the position description! Lol

Does she live near you? Can you meet for a drink or coffee and ask how bummed she’d be if you weren’t as involved? And being a ‘good sport’ at the expense of your other obligations is not too wise.

Post # 6
9117 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I wouldn’t want to single myself out in a family that prides themselves in including all family.

Your reasons for not doing it (aside from work related issues) seem vain. You’re not little and pretty like them? I think you’re just being silly.

If I were in your situation, I’d just do it. After all, this is the family you’re marrying into. Do you want to forever be known as “that woman” who wasn’t in so and so’s wedding? They might take it personally and make your life a living hell.

It’d be one thing if you couldn’t do it because you were in china.

It’s another because you don’t think you’ll fit in with her other bridesmaids.

Post # 7
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@rebwana:  I agree. Just do it. I asked my FI’s sister to be in my wedding and she’s significantly older than the rest of my bridesmaids and she’s married and they aren’t, but who cares. I’m not asking anything of them other than wearing the same dress and being there for me on my day which I don’t think is too much 🙂

Post # 8
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

If you really don’t want to do it, just tell her nicely that you don’t have the time to be a good bridesmaid and that she should have fun planning with her friends, and you will still be there if she needs you.

However, I don’t see how it’s that difficult to sit through a couple of events with girls that are a few years younger than you. Maybe you can try to get to know some of them? It’s not like they’re aliens

Post # 9
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Well, I think that, although you may end up having to suck it up and be in the wedding in the end, you could at least try to politely decline her request and just see what happens. If the fallout appears to be too great, and your Future Sister-In-Law and other family members try to insist or become very upset, then, perhaps, you may find yourself ultimately having to backpedal and acquiesce. 

I would suggest speaking with her either in person or on the phone (not in an e-mail or text converstation), and say something along the lines of:

“I am SOOO happy for you and _____., and I’m so excited that we are going to be family!  I just want you to know that I am VERY honored that you and _____ want me to be a bridesmaid in your wedding. I know you could have asked so many other people, but I am honored that you want to include me.  Unfortunately, I really think I am going to have to decline.  I am SO sorry about that, but, with everything else that is going on in my life between now and your wedding (and go ahead and share the list), I honestly do not think I will be able to take on this role.  However, I would love to still be involved in some other way. I mean, would you maybe need me to help hand out wedding programs on the day of the wedding, or help with the guest book or something like that? If you’ve already chosen people do to those things, I certainly understand. I just want to offer to help, but I really don’t think I can fulfill all of the duties of a bridesmaid right now, and I’m very sorry.”  And then see what happens.

Post # 10
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@WillyNilly:  I agree with you! OP could explain how busy you are and how stressful it all is but you so want to be involved and a part of the family/wedding in some way. Even if you’re an usher or handing out programs I’m sure she would appreciate it/it would meet the family involvement thats so important in their culture, aaaand you won’t have to stress =]

Post # 12
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Reign14:  Oh no! I’m sorry you are upset. Saying no is SO difficult and I struggle with it myself.

I do think though that you need to be strong – you can still say no politely but assertively. Phone again and say you’ve thought about it carefully but you really don’t want to commit to something you feel you can’t give your all to. Everyone respects boundaries if they are set down properly.

I used to find saying no very difficult but often saying yes just leads to resentment and stress for you. Don’t be pressured into feeling guilty or pressured by the family – if they are offended by this it’s their problem. Don’t accept the guilt onto yourself.

And like you say, you can always offer to take on another small job which you would enjoy without the full Bridesmaid or Best Man role. Stay strong.

Post # 13
1430 posts
Bumble bee

Uhhh I am so like you were I am bad with conversations like that. I prob would have agreed to still do it too. Well, I understand how you may feel uncomfortable but if it means a lot to your family and the Bride, he does sound like a sweet girl, I say just suck it up and do it. Its just 1 day.

Post # 14
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If it were me I’d skip all the pre-wedding activities as you mentioned you’d be unavailable.  Wear the dress, have fun with my new family, and celebrate the wedding of my loved ones.

I asked FI’s sister to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man…she’s about the same age difference as you and yours only she’s younger than us.  I think I would have been disappointed if she declined…I want this to be very family oriented and to get to know my new sis 🙂

Post # 15
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

It sounds to me like she’s trying to share a memory with  someone that will be in her life …um FOREVER.  You’re an adult that means sometimes sucking it up for the good of all.  instead of this being a horribly inconsiderate thing she’s done by asking you to  be a Bridesmaid or Best Man … look at as some bonding memories that you two will share, a building block for the family to grow on.  

Post # 16
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I don’t get the problem. You seem a bit childish despite being older than her. You age bigger than her, don’t support her marriage.

You made it clear that you are busy, she only wants you to be there on the day. Be happy she involved you and support her and your Fiance.

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