(Closed) Dont want to hurt anyone, but want to stay true to myself.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hmmmm, my initial reaction is that she is part of your FIs family now and if she is pleasant enough and takes such an active interest I would be very hesitantto alienate her just because you feel like you are ‘cheating’ on people who cannot be there for you at this special time. I will read again and give you more thoughts.

Post # 5
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sounds like she has a strong personality and that must be hard since you just met her and want to be warm and appreciative, but don’t want to be run over. If you try to view it as her having the best intentions, she just wants to help and loves weddings. Could you pick one thing you don’t really care too much about and ask her to help you with that? Like favors/wrap around labels for your invitiations/placecards – a small detail that she can be super involved in if she wants to be. As for dress shopping just don’t tell her when you’re going!!! You can always say later that you stumbled upon the dress while window shopping and knew it was right.

Post # 6
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is my initial thought: you mention a few times that she is a stranger.  And by repeating that 2 or 3 times, it seems to me that you want to keep her that way so you don’t “cheat” on your mother.  I understand those feelings.  I used to have them when i was younger when i had to choose between spending time with my mom or my grandma. My advice is to talk to your mother about this. I’m sure she wants you to have a fantastic wedding, and if that means help from another woman, then so be it.  Also, don’t think of his step-mother as a mother figure, think of her as a friend.  Get to know her.  Go out for lunch: bond.  Then it’s not a substitute mother helping you out.  It’s a friend.

Post # 7
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood

I don’t think you should have her around if you don’t want to.  Talk it over with your Fiance and see what he thinks.  If he has no issues with you saying “no” to his stepmother, then go ahead and say no.

It seems like with her personality if she really liked a dress that you didn’t like, she would really push you to get it and that would make things even worse.  I know it would be hard to stand up to her in that situation as well. 

Post # 8
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

 I also agree with what @Lee_Ann: said, you should perhaps go to lunch with her and try to get to know her a bit better. After all, given how close your Fiance is to his Dad now, it sounds like she will be a big part of your lives. It can’t hurt to forge a good relationship with her right off the bat. She doesn’t have to be a substitute mother, she can just be a friend.

Post # 9
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You’re recently engaged, you dont need to go dress shopping right away, why not let her become not a stranger? Like PP said, bond with her. She is going to be your family and very much in your life, especially if you continue to live in their area. You have to accept her, even what you see as her flaws. It seems like you have seen her quite a few times. Does your Future Father-In-Law feel like a stranger to JUST YOU or is it just her that seems like a stranger? If it’s just her, you might be just not accepting her because you feel like you’re cheating on your mother.

Bottom line is that you need to accept her.

Post # 11
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

If she seems too pushy you could tell her that your mother would feel betrayed if you asked your Future Father-In-Law wife to go dress shopping with you and to spare her feelings you would rather do it alone but you would like her oppinion on the pictures that way she still feels involved and you only show her dresses you like. Maybe you could get her to do specific tasks that don’t involve much like helping with the invitations or, if you are doing this, arrange small gift bags for the people in the wedding. Those are small things that probably won’t be messed up easily and that you can get her to feel involved and helpful. I didn’t really want my Mother-In-Law to help out at the wedding so I told her that the biggest help I could ask for would be for her to set up the decorations for the reception and to be in charge of clean-up and I told her exactly how I wanted things set up. She was over-joyed to help with such menial tasks she didn’t care that I didn’t ask her oppinion of my dress or colors or flowers. She was involved and that’s all that mattered to her. I hope this helps you figure something out.

Post # 12
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Go with your instincts. Set your boundries, early. To me, she’s already trying to push her way in I don’t see this getting better if you don’t reign her in from the beginning. Sorry she’salready turning me off. You have a mom and a Future Mother-In-Law she needs to fall back or wait for you to make the first steps.

Post # 13
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bride21: I think that the OP should take the focus off her “mom” and simply say “I’m only comfortably sharing this expereince with my mom and prefer to simply go alone, thank you for your offer, but I stand firm with my decision.” and leave it at that.  We don’t want this woman to start making assumptions about the OPs mom or to get competative feelings. If you make it about your mom and you its setting up your mom to be a target. You not wrong for your feelings, this woman is a stranger, I would NEVER take someone I don’t know to go dress shopping for my wedding. thats reserved for time tested and true relationships. My IMO the wedding dress shopping experience isn’t a trail run for some future relationship.

Post # 14
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ok, this might be a bit sneaky, but I think including her might be a nice guesture. What I would do is go out shopping alone, find the dress that is YOURS! put it on a secret hold with the company, and then take her dress shopping, since she really seems like she wants to be a part of it, and since she is going to be family soon, knowing her or not.

Try on a couple dresses, then tell the sales lady to bring your dress to the dressing room. Put it on, and exclaim “this is the ONE!” then buy it. Hopefully she will see how happy you are in it and no matter if she likes it or not, it’s the dress and you are leaving with it today! 

Yes, it’s sneaky, but then you won’t hurt her feelings, and she will get the chance to be a part of it, she may want to help because she knows your mom and FIs mom cannot be there for you.

Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 15
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

OMG…Fis mom did the same thing…Insisted that I go. I wanted to cry, but went anyway (my mom is across the country and I had planned to go with her on a visit). Well, I went…. then friggin found “the dress”. I had to get it. So I set up this elaborate plan to mail the dress to a store where my mom was, tell my mom I was eyeing this dress online, then pretend like I hadn’t already bought it (the store said it was a common occurance and went with it). It riddles me to this day and makes me soooo mad that I said yes. His mom does stuff like this all the time, and I just didn’t know better then. She is so controlling and I didn’t know her well then. Hell, I still don’t, but I know better now. My mom literally wouldn’t NOT been able to have handled the fact that I didn’t get the dress with her. I have no doubt in my mind about that.  I despise lying…. but I felt so backed into a corner….. I even tried not buying it that day but it was discontiuned and it was their LAST dress in the entire nation. Yes, I had them call corprate. I regret it to this day…and I’m sure I always will. I never ever thought when I said yes to her I would find my dress. Now, I just gotta pray at the wedding she keeps her dorito shoot shut. Good luck girl…..

Post # 16
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I just don’t see the point to lying and trying to pull any stunt to trick this lady. Your wedding is already becoming about her feelings rather than yours. Its not your responsilbity. You can’t control if she’s gonna be hurt or not. This is going to the first of dozens of upcoming decisions. Why start off your “relationship” with her with a lie? Its a bad precedent IMO.

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