(Closed) Dont want to invite BMs BF

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
122 posts
Blushing bee

As much as I feel your guest list crunch, I think you just about have to invite everyone in your wedding party to bring a guest, ESPECIALLY if it is someone they have been with for three years. It is just one of those things you have to do. Think about it this way, you keep your Bridesmaid or Best Man happy and don’t have to have an awkward conversation or have her angry at you through your planning and on your wedding day.

Post # 5
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

To me, you have to make the choice, is she a better friend than one who would get cut off the list if her bf was invited?  They are doing you a favor by being in your wedding, so you kind of have to let her bring her bf especially because they have been together so long, dud or not.  If you REALLY cannot have him there, you have to be upfront with her.  Just out of curiousity, does she live with him or would he have to travel a distance to come?  If he does have to travel maybe he wouldn’t even bother.

Post # 7
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I think you have to invite him.  You could tell her that she is of course welcome to bring her boyfriend, but that you’ll need her to be available to you a lot that weekend/at the wedding and he’d probably be bored.  Are other bridesmaids bringing dates?  If not, he wouldn’t really have anyone to hang out with.  I would say make sure she knows that he can come, but stress why it may not be much fun for her or him if he’s there.

Post # 9
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

If you are having NO "and guests", then it should not be an issue.  We only invited married and engaged couples.  One of my bm’s was single (the rest were married) and she didn’t even blink when I told her that she would not be able to bring her boyfriend. However, if you are allowing other couples that are not married or engaged, you will have to let her bring her bf.

Post # 10
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

This is a tough situation, but I think that since your Bridesmaid or Best Man has been in a relationship with the guy for 3 years, you have to invite him.  (Even though you’re not his biggest fan.)  My understanding is that married people and people in serious relationships get to bring their significant others to weddings while guests who aren’t in serious relationships don’t necessarily get a "plus one."

Who knows, maybe you will luck out and the boyfriend won’t want to make the trip.  Like EK suggested, you could say something like, "I know we will be really busy with girly stuff the weekend of my wedding, so no worries if so-and-so decides to stay home.  I’d hate for him to travel all the way out here and then be bored all weekend!"

Good luck!!!!

Post # 11
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I wouldn’t count on him not coming just because he lives kinda far away, but it’s always something that might happen.  One of my BMs (my fiance’s sister at that) is coming solo.  Her boyfriend & her live together, and have a child together (who’s our ring bearer) and he’s not coming.  

Generally speaking, I agree with most of the other posters.  You’re inviting the Boyfriend or Best Friend out of respect for your Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Think about it from her point of view – would you want to be at a wedding that you had to pay a bunch of money for a dress you didn’t pick out, and probably did a lot of work leading up to the wedding (showers, bachelorette party, etc) and then not even be able to enjoy it with the man you’ve spent the last 3 years of your life with?  He’s her man, like it or not, and if she wants to dance with him at your wedding, I kinda think she should be able to.  You’re doing it for her, because she’s your friend.   

Post # 12
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Traditionally, you invite couples who are married or engaged together.  The concept of inviting couples together if they are in a "serious relationship" is newer, and is a result of a more modern kind of relationship where people might date for years, or simply live together, without getting either engaged or married.  If you’re inviting people as couples if they are in a serious relationship, you have to invite her Boyfriend or Best Friend.  If in fact you’re not allowing anyone a guest unless they are engaged or married, you don’t.  What you can’t do is pick and choose based on who you like – in other words, let another friend bring their BF/GF whom they have been dating for a couple of years, and exclude your bridesmaid’s Boyfriend or Best Friend because he’s boring.

I do agree that if you’re going to make exceptions anywhere, it should be for your bridal party.  This girl is not only spending a fair amount of money to be in your wedding, but she is travelling too.  I would seriously consider whether you can’t cut your guest list some other way (eliminate some friends who aren’t as close, or some cousins).  If the guest list really is quite small (say, less than 50) already, then I think you can ask your bridal party to come without dates.  (Although if the wedding is that small, it would perhaps be unusual to have a bridal party beyond the Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man.)

Post # 13
596 posts
Busy bee

regardless of "etiquette", it sounds like your friend already expects that her bf is invited and will probably be upset when you tell her that he cannot come.  so only you know how your friend will react.  will this damage your friendship with her?  if so, are you okay with that?  in the end, you know your friend the best.  if she is super nice and understanding, maybe she will be totally cool with it?  good luck!

Post # 14
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Here’s a question: if you really liked your BM’s Boyfriend or Best Friend (but were not especially close friends with him), would you feel differently about inviting him? Perhaps the idea would seem a little more palatable if you found him more pleasant. Or perhaps you would still feel as you do now: that you’d rather invite your friends than her (hypothetically) nice Boyfriend or Best Friend. That might give you some insight into why you’re not into inviting him.

You could put him on the unofficial b-list. That is, don’t send him an invite, wait for some "no" RSVPs, and then verbally confirm his invitation (he and she already assume he’s coming, and if he’s a mid-20s guy, it’s highly unlikely he’ll notice the missing invite either way, if the mid-20s guys I know are any indication). But probably there will be a good number of "no" RSVPs, at which point you can make room for her Boyfriend or Best Friend, which would be a wonderful thank-you from you to your Bridesmaid or Best Man for all her hard work. If you get all "yes" RSVPs (which is really rather unlikely, given the economy, etc), or if he’s at the bottom of a long b-list (another story entirely), then you can talk about not inviting him at all. In the meantime, discuss the problem and this solution with her. Maybe this compromise "wait and see" approach will make everyone happy.

Post # 15
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I know you don’t like him but you should invite him. I mean they’ve been together for 3 years.  For my wedding I’m only inviting peoples significant others and thats it.  No dates or people who have been just "dating".  It is a wedding so I want others to be with their loved ones.  🙂

Post # 16
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Millenium Biltmore Hotel

For me, it was never a question of whether I knew or liked my bridal party’s significant others/guests. I just assumed that bridal party members are automatically given a "plus 1" (??) I could be very wrong though. My Maid/Matron of Honor was dating a guy that I never met and I agreed to invite him. She loved him dearly, and I wanted her to be happy during the wedding. 

I’m sorry that you don’t get along well with your bridesmaid’s boyfriend. It’s a tough situation, and you have the added stress of your small venue. If you can possibly do it, I’d really try and let your bridesmaid bring her Boyfriend or Best Friend. However if it is posing a huge issue, I think you need to find a way to talk to her about it. Don’t assume that she gets the hint. That could end disasterously. Good luck!

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