Post # 1
Just looking for a little advice regarding my current situation with SO. We have been together for about two years and have lived in the same city/within walking distance to each other the entire time. We spend most of our free time together at my apartment (because it is more convenient to both of our jobs).
Recently, SO has brought up the idea of moving in together when my lease ends in August, by which time he has already said we will be engaged. This is where my dilemma comes in. I have always told him that I didn’t see myself living with someone before I was married. I was raised in a religious household and while I am not currently practicing in my faith there are still some ideas/values I hold onto. SO also comes from a relgious family but is not practicing.
I would by lying if I said other’s opinions play a big role in my not wanting to live together. I think it would add strain to my relationship with my family and friends who disagree with this choice as well as cause issues with his family (with whom I am currently very close). I am also worried that living together would prevent us from getting married in certain churches which is something I have always wanted and which is a “requirement” in his parent’s eyes.
Another factor is financial responsibility. Next year I will be in a graduate school internship and will end up netting about 1/5 of what SO makes. I’m worried it will put stress on our relationship if we’re working on splittling things evenly when there is such a big difference in income.
I guess what I am looking for is some advice on how to approach this subject with SO. We have already discussed and plan on getting married in August of 2014 so not moving in together only pushes off co-habitation for one year. I was hoping you wonderful Bees would have some advice on how to express this to SO without making him feel like I’m rejecting him, trying to push off commitment, or only worrying about what others think. Any ideas?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
I think just explaining to him that you want to wait so that our wedding is really special or that you want to save this one thing for marriage
he should understand
Post # 4
I think that’s a perfectly reasonable desire. You want to marry the guy – it’s hardly like you’re not willing to commit. What’s one more year?
As for “splitting things evenly” – it sounds like you don’t want to combine finances until you’re married? (Which I think is exceedingly smart). One thing to consider, however, is that splitting things evenly should be percentages based on how much you make. For instance, my husband makes 3 1/2 times what I make, so he contributes much more to the “shared expenses” account than I do. It would be very unfair for me to have to contribute half.
Post # 5
Just tell him what you told us, if he is reasonable he will understand.
Post # 6
@oneofthesethings: totally agree. Different strokes for direct fols…I live with my SO but if I were you and felt the way you did, that’s what I would say. One more year when your whole life is ahead of you is ok as far as living together, especially if you already know you’ll be definitely getting married.
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, and I think if you just explain to him that you don’t want to live together before you’re married he would (should) understand. I don’t know your SO, but I think you might be overestimating how upset he will be. Plus, if you’re planning on getting married in August, if you sign a year lease, that will be perfect timing for you to move out of your apartment and in with him
Post # 8
“I love you, and I want to wait until we are married to live with you.” Pretty simple!
I hope the talk goes well!
Post # 9
He is probably just doing “the guy thing” and offering up a solution to your lease being up…. In his mind it provides a simple solution. Doesn’t mean it is the right solution for you though at this point in time.
just nicely tell him what you told the bee, and he should understand. I don’t live with my SO and he understands. Its actually never been an issue or come up…..neither of our parents would approve, and he knows I personally would not feel comfortable moving in until after we get married.
Post # 10
@bostonkate: You should definitely just bring it up to him in a straightforward way. “I don’t want to live together until I get married” has been brought up and is a good way to go.
You don’t sound like you’re 100% sure of this, though, so because of that I will urge you to consider your decision from all aspects. Living together can be a very enlightening experience before you marry. If you decide not to do this, I would at least recommend having some frank discussions about the difference in income (if not now, then definitely once you get engaged), because financials are a big reason for divorce, so it’s important to talk these things through whether or not you live together.