Post # 1
just feeling down.
my fiance and i want a small, simple wedding. parents, grandparents, siblings, and a few relatives for no more than 20 guests.
people are not happy with our guest list. my mom compares it to being a cat-burglar by having a small wedding. people are feeling left out.
found a small wedding venue with a great restaurant across the street for a good price but my mom and dad don’t really like it. from their comments i can tell that they want a fancier wedding.
they say i can do what i want (just like the guest list) but i feel bad since they are paying for it. mom says she does regret the kind of wedding i’m planning since i’m her oldest daughter and it’s not the way she imagined it. but that i should do what i want.
not quite a guilt trip….but i feel guilty.
part of the problem is that i don’t see what a big deal a wedding is. fiance and i have been together for 10 years. only getting married for legal reasons and benefits. don’t really see how it will change anything. but apparently everyone else thinks its a big deal and that having a small wedding is somehow a slight to them.
and on top of wedding stress my grad class this semester is not going well and now i’m doubting if i’m cut out for a phd and whether i should even bother to apply.
just venting. thanks for listening.
Post # 3
I got to this point too – Darling Husband and I honestly considered throwing the money away and running off to elope, a la Pam and Jim in The Office (Eloping on the Maid of the Mist in Niagara Falls). But in the end, we dealt with all of our family drama, had our huge wedding, and everything worked out.
I suggest taking a few days/weeks off from wedding planning if you can spare it, and just relaxing with your Fiance – to remember why you are planning the wedding in the first place. It is a celebration of YOU, and doesn’t have to be a big gala if you don’t want it to.
As for school – everyone hits rough patches. Can you talk to the professor and figure out where you’re missing something? Approaching a professor for help goes a very long way when it comes to grades and success in grad school!
Post # 4
@ranyamellon: Stick to your guns. If the parents want a fancy affair, let them pay for it.
Post # 5
@canarydiamond: they are paying for it :/
Post # 6
@ranyamellon: stick to what you want don’t let them guilt you in to anything. thank God my mom understand our desire for a small ceremony (8 guests) but she’s still trying to be pushy about other stuff. (Have the ceremony at home, let your sister be a bridesmaid, etc…) I just tell her no. If she insists I hang up or leave. She’s getting the point now. Seriously as small as our event is. I still wish it was just us…sigh.
Post # 7
You are right, it is totally up to you. I might be biased, because I want the big wedding- 200 guests! But I think that 20 people is tiny, 50 sounds more reasonable- that way other family members or friends or coworkers won’t feel left out. I think that if your parents are willing to pay for this, then let them. ( I would definitely take advantage of that ).
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
The easy answer is to elope and then deal with the fall out. The difficult answer is to be an adult and stick to your guns about having a small wedding. If your family knows that the alternative is to elope, they may be more supportive of a small wedding. If they still don’t care then be clear that it is a subject you are not discussing with them. You and your FH have made the decision to have a small wedding and it is a topic that is no longer up for discussion. Change the subject every time it comes up.
I would also cut out mom form the wedding planning since it sounds like instead of being supportive, she is complaining. Say something like “I love you Mom but FH and I have made the decision and it is no longer something we are going to discuss. I would love for you to assist me in planning my wedding but what I really need right now is your support and if you cannot give it to me, I understand, but I will have to continue planning on my own if you persist in being negative about my wedding.”
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I didn’t see the money issue. If they are paying they have more say in the wedding planning. Is there any way for you and your FH to pay for your own wedding so you can do it how you want to? My FH’s tried to give us money for the wedding but we declined because we didn’t want to feel obligated to follow their suggestions.
Post # 10
@jessicaandjames5914: who cares if they feel leftout? maybe she just doesn’t want them there. I’ve never got the logic of havine people at your wedding just because
Post # 12
it’s not just the money issue. even if they weren’t paying for it i would have to take their opinion into consideration. i can’t cut my mom from the planning. it’s a cultural thing. mom’s korean and in korea you listen to what any elder tells you, especially your parents. not listening to them would be tanamount to saying they aren’t my parents in our culture.
we did tell them that we originally wanted to elope and my mom’s response was that if i had done that i would have been disowned. in korea, everyone is invited to the wedding. and i mean everyone, every distant relative, family friends, neighbors, parents friends, etc. so i do see how to my mom this feels weird.
but it’s not just her. my dad’s side of the family is upset and they’re american from michigan. i’m not even close to them, probably because they all live in michigan together and i grew up half a world away from them. even our friends were miffed when we said we were doing a super small wedding.
i’d be okay with a more elegant or fancy wedding as long as it remained small. but all the wedding venues in our area cater to large weddings! i’ve found a few places that will do a small wedding but they are super expansive and pretty restrictive or in locations we just aren’t interested in traveling to.
Post # 13
It may be very frusterating to sit down with your mom. But you need to compromise if your cultural background will get in the way of your wedding. It’s YOUR wedding. YOU need to be happy. You can either do it YOUR way, do it your mom’s way, or compromise so everyone’s happy.
Maybe you can keep it small, so you get your way. But your mom can help with the flowers.
Post # 14
UPDATE: I called my grandma because my mom told me to smooth over the hurt feelings of not inviting my extended relatives.
grandma says it’s okay and that she’s excited. and that she’ll take the +1 invite we’re giving her to invite my aunt becky since she’s my godmother.
then asked if she could throw us a party after we get back from our honeymoon so that my fiancee can meet my extended family.
and…..now i feel super guilty. i feel like i’m being so selfish by not inviting the whole family.
and to add to that feeling my mom told me that she’ll be giving me $10,000 for the wedding that if I don’t use it all, I can use the rest however I want (i.e. downpayment for house, paying of student loans, savings). we live paycheck to paycheck and having that extra money would be a great help in our future.
and i feel like a horrible person.
Post # 15
@ranyamellon: You’re not a horrible person for not wanting to spend a huge amount of money on one day and one party.
Just stay calm and respectful, but firm, and people will come around to understanding your choice. People struggle to understand things that are different than what they expect, but they just need time. A few years from now, it won’t even be an issue any more.
Post # 16
@canarydiamond: ah, the T. rex bed making meme. How I love it.