Post # 1
So my birthday is coming up next month and my husband asked how I wanted to celebrate- I found a theater about an hour away that does a live play and serves you dinner, I thought that would be really fun! But you have to reserve it pretty far in advance. He was all for it!
I thought it would be cool to invite my mother and sister in laws too, so I told them about it and invited them, they basically all said they’d wait and see and let me know, which is fine because either way hubby is coming with me and I know it’d be a good time!
Well, my one sister in law has a daughter (my niece) who has a birthday right around mine. She decided to plan my nieces birthday party on the same day (and around the same time) that the show is. She planned this after I had already invited her to come with us. I was pretty disappointed, but I don’t want to miss my nieces birthday so my plan was to tell my husband to just cancel the theater reservation and we’ll do it some other time. I don’t believe there are any fees if we cancel now.
My husband however, is a bit upset with his sister. He says we should still go to the theater as that was our first and original plan and we will take our niece out for her birthday on a different day. My sister in law can be a bit dramatic, I KNOW that this will cause issues with my in laws, and he says that he doesn’t care, that this was their choice. While I see his point, I’m not sure if this is a hill I want to die on. Generally for my birthday we just go to my favorite restaurant to celebrate, so this was a bit over the top anyways. Also, being new to his family, I don’t want to start a fight. My hubby may have planned another surprise event that night as I had caught him researching things in the town the theater is in, which may be why he is so adamant about not cancelling.
Not sure what to do, and I don’t feel like I will come out of this without hurting someone’s feelings.
Post # 2
Don’t cancel. His family knows you already invited them before your sister in law planned your neice’s birthday, so they can’t fault you for not giving up your plans.
Go to the theatre, enjoy your bday, take your neice out another day and do something with her, everyone will be fine. If your sister in law makes a big deal, remind her she’s the one who planned it for the same day you were having yours.
Especially if your husband planned something else, and is adamant about still going, go.
Post # 3
simplebee92 : Not sure about the planning part- he likes to do surprises so I likely won’t find out until the day- but he did say he wanted to drive.
The “everyone will be fine” thing is the part I’m worried about- as issues smaller than this have caused family blow outs before. The kids birthdays are generally considered very important and I’m usually expected to take off work to attend.
Post # 4
otterbee : go, enjoy and let your husband handle any fallout. He obviously doesn’t think you should have to give way (neither do I) and is probably sick of their crap. They’ll live.
Post # 5
Don’t cancel your plans. Don’t be a push-over and let your SIL control your decisions. She knew you had plans, she planned the party for that day anyway. If she wants to throw a fit, let her, it’s her own fault.
Post # 6
At some point you need to draw boundaries with your in laws or you’ll keep living in fear of pissing them off and putting their needs before your own. I would not take work off to attend a child’s birthday party unless it was something I wanted to do, not because it was expected.
start creating boundaries now and keep on with your plans, they knew you had plans when they scheduled the party, don’t cancel. Make it up to his niece some other time.
Post # 7
You planned your night first AND everyone knew it. Period. Do not cancel your plans. That’s just ridiculous.
Post # 8
otterbee : His family his call. He wants to handle the upset from still going to your original plans, than let him. I think he is right btw. You chose first, you told everyone first so they can suck it if they think they can try to come back and paint you two out the bad guys. Plus sounds like your husband will handle them if they do try it. Let him deal.
Post # 9
otterbee : I wouldn’t cancel my plans. Your husband knows his family the best and I’m assuming he has the backbone to stand up against them if they start stirring some drama.
If your SIL is a bit dramatic then there will always be some sort of reason for her to be dramatic. I understand that you want to stay on your in laws good grace. But you can’t always please them as you have your own life as well. Go enjoy your birthday and let your husband deal with them.
Post # 10
futuremrs2020 : This.
OP, yes, you’re new to the family, which is exactly why you need to start setting boundaries and standing up for yourself now. Do not live your life walking on eggshells, constantly in fear of pissing off your in-laws. It seems like they are pretty used to getting their way, so I personally see this as a test of compliance. Don’t fall for it; keep your plans and let your husband deal with any potential fallout. Your in-laws knew you had plans well in advance of this, and if they cannot respect other people’s time (you deserve to treat yourself for your birthday too!) then that is their issue.
Enjoy your theater date! 🙂
Post # 11
You’re being a pushover and placing others’ needs before your own in a effort to avoid their drama (temper tantrums.) That is a direct path to in-law HELL. Once they realize you will cancel your plans to “keep the peace” they’ll start manipulating you in other ways as well.
Don’t reward bad behavior with your own compliance and deference.
Besides, this is your HUSBAND’S family. If he’s upset with his sister, it’s likely for a good reason, most likely because she has been trying to manipulate him with her temper tantrums for a long time. If he’s fed up, let him be fed up. Your role as his wife is NOT to manage his relationship with HIS family. It’s to support HIM in whatever feelings he feels and whatever decisions he makes regarding them.
You are lucky to have a husband who will stand up for himself and for you against his family’s manipulations. Don’t cut his feet out from under him.
Your SIL is the ONLY person responsible for her own terrible behavior, and if an argument ensues, it will be HER fault, not yours or your husband’s.
Post # 12
otterbee : just trust your husband. If he thinks it’s okay then it’s okay. If your SIL says something different then that’s for your husband and sister in law to work out as siblings.
Post # 13
Life rule: don’t bend over backwards for someone who doesn’t give a crap about you.
Go to the theater with hubby, have an amazing time and FORGGEETRABOUTTHEM! you guys can take your niece out another day.
Post # 14
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
In the past you’ve been expected to take work off for children’s birthdays?? That’s asking a lot. You’re nicer than I am, OP. Don’t cancel your plans!
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Your in laws expect you to take off work for a child’s birthday? That is insanely entitled on their part. Don’t cancel your plans.