Post # 1
I don’t mean any earth-shattering situations, I just mean in general, when possible, isn’t it normal to expect your spouse to be on your team? I’ve noticed that my husband has a habit of automatically jumping to the other person’s defense whenever o have a slight disagreement with someone in his presence. Earlier today we were in a store. I was waiting my turn in line and when the cashier finished with the person in front of me, she skipped me and started cashing the person behind me. I asked the cashier why she’d done that and she claimed she didn’t see me. (Of course she saw the six foot brown woman directly in front of her; she clearly just preferred not to serve me). So I put the items down on the counter and left the store. My husband stood in the doorway of the store and demanded that I come back in “work it out” and when I explained what had happened (in case he somehow missed it) he went back into the store to get the cashier’s side of the story! Would anybody else be irritated asf that their spouse didn’t just support them?
Again, I don’t mean cheering for you in a puppy kicking contest. But basic low-stakes scenarios where it would cost them nothing to just give you the benefit of being right?
Post # 2
This scenario sounds like it could be seen as a bit confrontational? Was he just trying to keep the peace?
Right move probably would have been to agree with you and leave the store, honestly him confronting her even if it was to “work it out” sounds uncomfortable.
Most of the time my fiance agrees with me, has my back but there have been scenarios where I over react, or accuse someone of something and he calls me out on my shit. I never appreciate it at the time, but I can usually look back on it and agree that I should have just let it be.
I’m not saying you’re wrong in this scenario, just offering my own perspective/experience.
Post # 3
It honeslty sounds like you overreacted in this situation. I wouldn’t have taken your side if I were your husband. But I also wouldn’t have gone back to get the cashier’s side of the story.
Post # 4
My husband would have walked out with me and been annoyed right along with me and listened to me vent, so I totally get what you’re saying.
I’d probably be upset if he always made a point of trying to play devil’s advocate. My best friend’s husband does that and it drives her NUTS.
Post # 5
Overjoyed : I don’t think spouses are ever obligated to agree with their spouse just because they’re your spouse. My Dh and I often disagree with each other about situations, or will often play devils advocate for the third person. Just yesterday I had a fight with a friend and was complaining to Darling Husband, and he told me he thought I overreacted and owed them an apology which I still disagree with (basically they sent me a long message complaining they had a shit time at my wedding because they didn’t know anyone, even though I gave them a +1 that they declined to use, but that’s another story). It probably doesn’t help that Darling Husband is a really nice person and I’m… well it’s not that I’m not nice, but I can hold a grudge for a short time, or don’t give forgiveness as easily, and I’m probably a bit more hot headed and argumentative.
I wasn’t there so I can’t comment on the cashiers intentions or your reaction, however it sounds like your SO was trying to smooth the situation over, or had read the situation differently to you. I think he has every right to do that. That said, I think I too would get irrationally annoyed at him for a bit.
Post # 6
First of all, microaggressions wear on a person. So what seems like an overreaction to a single event can actually be the final straw to many, many other occurrences the observer wasn’t privy to.
Secondly, even if I were overreacting, what’s wrong with just leaving the store with me and “calling me on my ish” when we’re alone (or at least out of the earshot of the person I disagreed with? I didn’t get smart, or storm out or get aggressive in any way. I just asked a simple question phrased politely, recognized that my business wasn’t appreciated, and calmly excused myself. I guess I’m trying to say, I wish he’d been as committed to supporting me as he was to hearing out some stranger…some stranger who hurt his wife’s feelings.
Post # 7
Overjoyed : Wow, I would never have gone back in to get the “cashier’s side of the story”. Not if you were my friend and definitely not if you were my spouse.
I respect my spouse and friends enough that even if I think they are overreacting, I would never decide I needed to hear a “cashier’s side of the story” before deciding if they were allowed to leave the store without buying whatever item. Seriously, the cost/benefit of doing that just makes no sense–were you trying to purchase life-saving drugs? Was this a lexus on sale for $5?
It’d have to be something really good (or you’d have to be threatening to punish the perpetrator in a way that’d be totally inappropriate if you were wrong) for me to decide it was worth basically telling my friend/spouse I thought so little of their perception that I felt it was on me to collect all stories before passing judgement. You didn’t make a scene, you didn’t scream or stomp or call the police.. you walked out without making a purchase.
(If you walk out of stores frequently for very questionable reasons I’d start to get really fucking tired of your behavior, but in that case I’d distance myself from you.. I still wouldn’t go and try and ask the cashier his side of the story.)
ETA: Telling you if i think you overreacted and trying to get you to see that, outside of earshot of the cashier and perhaps when you’d calmed down a bit, would be fine IMO.
Post # 8
She didn’t see you? Bullshit. It’s a line, how do you miss someone standing in a line?
I think he definitely should have had your back. I don’t need my husband to always agree with me and we can always talk about it at home, in private. But in public, in a situation like this I would expect that he be on my side and any issues he had with how it was handled we can talk about later.
And I really don’t think your reaction was out of line. It’s not like you threatened to fight her or were really even confrontational at all. You just left. Totally reasonable, in my opinion.
Post # 9
I would have been irritated if my husband put his stuff on the counter and walked out. I’m more patient than him though, I don’t get annoyed enough to walk out like that.
I probably would have stayed and purchased the stuff and then told my husband my thoughts… but I wouldn’t ask the cashier for her side, let alone go back in the store and ask.
I wouldn’t have left like you did, but I wouldn’t have gone back in like he did either.
Do you have any other examples?
Post # 10
Overjoyed : I havent read the other responses but I don’t care what other bees think
My husband does this to and I keep telling him I’m ur wife your supposed to have MY side for normal stuff. Not some people we don’t even know
Post # 11
amanda1988 : girl. Two tubes of toothpaste and a bar of soap.
Sansa85 : other examples: so I had a heel fixed at the cobbler (you know the little plastic part attached to a nail?) And that same day the nail thing fell back out so I went back to the guy to tell him what happened and asked him to re-fix it, but securely this time. The guy told me a wild story about how its not his fault because I probably walk funny and certain shoes wear down faster, etc etc but i stuck to my story and insisted that he fix it. My husband jumped in and started taking the guy’s side, paraphrasing his argument back to me. So now my attention turns to assuring my husband that I know what I’m talking about (as I wear heels daily and have been getting them repaired for 20 years) and the brand of shoe has nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t tack the heel down securely. Even if he somehow disagreed woth my position, why he didn’t just stand there quietly while I negotiated (with someone who was openly trying to swindle me!), I’ll never know.
Post # 12
also I’ve definitely left stores if they skipped over me in line, and I’m sure it wasn’t race motivated cus I am pretty fucking white. I’m not going to twist someone’s arm to take my money. Typically I’ll say something first, as you did, but if they then shrug it off and continue serving whoever they chose instead of me I might be perfectly happy to leave. (Kinda depends what I’m buying and what my day looks like..)
So no, I dont think you overreacted. I don’t think that’s the question at hand here, but apparently some people do.
ETA: saw your update. Holy crap, who gives a fuck? You can buy that shit literally anywhere. Amazon will BRING IT TO YOU.
Post # 13
Overjoyed : Ugh it sounds like he really really dislikes ANY rocking of the boat and doesn’t like being associated with your more assertive approach to life. Is he really passive in his own life?
Post # 14
Is it mostly with customer service? My husband has zero patience and gets angry very easily at customer service and I’m the patient one, trying to keep him from losing his temper. Maybe your husband is the opposite? Or does it happen outside of that too?
Post # 15
Yeah that would have pissed me off. Like @amanda said, I’ve left stores over not being helped when it’s my turn and as a white person I’m sure it wasn’t racially motivated. In your case, there’s def a chance it was, so all the more reason for your husband to have your back. Generally my husband is happy to bitch right along with me about any grievances I have lol, especially when it comes to customer service issues.
ETA: If I was totally irrational or genuinely behaved badly, he would stay something to me later in private, but I can’t imagine him ever correcting me like that in front of the person I was having an “altercation” with!