Don't you want your SO to take your side?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
2683 posts
Sugar bee

I do expect him to be on my side, but if I’m being irrational, I also expect him to call me out on my BS.


Post # 18
733 posts
Busy bee

My husband and I have actually had to work on this. I rarely get upset outside of the house (when I do he tends to follow me and keep to himself) but when I’m complaining about something, his first instinct is to play devil’s advocate. I have to remind him, “I’m just venting, I don’t actually care about the other perspective right now.” I’m pretty level-headed so I can usually see the other side of things once I calm down. But in the moment, either back me up or don’t say anything. Don’t go to bat for the other team.

So yes, I’m with you. My husband has gotten better about it since I’ve started being very clear about what I actually need in those situations. 

Post # 19
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Based on your two examples, I’m 100% with you. If he wants to play devil’s advocate, the least he could do is wait til you have left the store or situation. Have you had a discussion about why he always thinks you’re wrong? 

Out of curiosity, did he actually get the cashier’s explanation? Because they certainly saw you, how can you not see a person standing next in line? Without being there it’s hard to say but from the story it does sound like it was racially motivated. The least they could’ve done was apologized and cleared the other customers purchases and started ringing you up immediately. Which is the only way I’d begin to believe their not seeing you excuse.

I dont think your Darling Husband shouldve gone back in there unless it was to speak to a manager on your behalf.

Post # 20
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your post really got me thinking. I tend to like to smooth thinks over and hate confrontation so the example at the cobbler is something I might do but I would never go back into the store to get the cashier’s side of the story. I’ve never really thought about it from the other side I guess but I will now try to be more aware of doing this as I would expect/want my SO’s support if the situation was reversed. So anyways, yes I do think your SO should take your side in these types of situations.

Random thought – Is he the type who likes to think the best of people? I would love to think the cashier skipped you on accident but unfortunately I’ve learned that a lot of people just suck. Then again, that still isn’t an excuse because like you said, he should give you the benefit of the doubt as you’re his wife.

Post # 22
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’m on your side based on your examples. Those were insignificant things that he could easily just stand by your side and shut his mouth about. This would drive me nuts! He’s basically saying that whatever you do, your reasoning is never as good as the other person’s. 🙄 And why did he feel he needed to get the cashier’s story? The cashier was rude af.

Post # 23
1631 posts
Bumble bee

People want to feel like their opinions are respected and validated by their partners. There are ways to not take our side and still be respectful. This was not one of them. 

Post # 24
1219 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

So . . . your husband’s a wuss. Yeah, you need to set him straight that this prejudiced shit happens. Is he Caucasian? My husband is Caucasian and I’m a tan Asian. Been in the US my entire life, but I get treated in many particular little ways that has taught me to look mean, speak in a lower register, and overall try to look on the side of unfriendly because it mitigates being taken advantage of, or being judged in an ignorant way. Not that this way of being suits everyone, but it has really helped balance my appearance and life for where I live.

Post # 25
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m with you OP, that would totally wear on me over time.  Neither myself or my husband are confrontational people, but I’m more inclined than him to speak up when needed (Ex:we are having our house renovated and have had several “big” issues with our contractor; every single time I’ve been the one who had to bring it up and fight to have the issues resolved). During these conversations he will not chime in or back me up, just tends to stay totally quiet.  It would seriously bug me if not only did he not speak up on my behalf, but he actually fought on behalf of the opposing party?! Omg I got thoroughly ticked off just writing that sentence.

Post # 26
1557 posts
Bumble bee

Umm yes you’re right to be pissed off. Also some posters are totally missing the mark here, wtf. Of course you’re allowed to have difference opinions but this is different. 

Post # 27
442 posts
Helper bee

I really only care in high-stakes scenarios. The day to day stuff I’m okay with disagreeing – I’m a lot less confrontational than he is, so usually I just ignore my own awkward situations and back down from them whereas he’ll fight back and want me to fight back with him. My SO feels more like you do, he wants me to have his back with everything, which is fine but when this extends into agreeing with him and backing him up in facebook feuds….I dunno, I genuinely don’t care enough to. >.>

In the situation you specified though? Absolutely, I’d be furious and my SO will be next to me being a lot angrier. No one gets to bully me in front of him and expect to get away unscathed. 

Post # 28
1260 posts
Bumble bee

I must say his behaviour is weird based on the two scenarios because they’re contradictory. If he was non-confrontational and hate embarrassment in public (like my finance), I can kinda understand his reaction to the heels, but then in the grocery situation, he actually went back to ask, almost like seeking confrontation. 

My fiancé totally hates confrontation and public embarrassment or be seen as rude or not polite by the public, so he rarely speaks up about things that people do wrong (especially to customer service types), but then if I speak up, he doesn’t have an issue with that and just quietly enjoy the benefit lol… I don’t mind it as long as he’s not objecting to me speaking up. But in your SO’s situation, it’s like he’s proactively trying to prove you wrong and prove to you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing. 

Do you argue much? Does he feel like you always have to be right? Does he often feel like or tell you you’re making a big deal out of nothing?

Post # 29
751 posts
Busy bee

This would severely hack me off. He’s basically saying that your interpretation of what happened is false. He doesn’t trust your judgement. I’d be seriouslypeeved

Post # 30
1759 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Overjoyed :  All of this resonates so much with me. I am a WOC and my last ex and my current partner are white. They are both not really good at confrontation but I have noticed that there is definitely a racial component when it comes to me being upset. Like unconciously they don’t want to seem like they can’t “manage” their black woman. (like any kind of anger or demands coming from a black woman are automatically charged and irrational. they do not want to be part of me “making a scene”) And it is so disappointing. Like at times it’s almost been a deal breaker. They would never in 500 million years admit to themselves that this is what is happening though. And like they are choosing betrayal to me over betrayel to other whites. It’s on a very very subconcious level, I think. 

I have also seen this thing happen though with black men and their women too, because they work so hard to been seen as not an agressive or “ghetto” black man (and the stakes are truly high for them) they do not want any scenes or negativity surounding them. They want to be the “good black guys” and diffusing any sort of confrontation helps them feel like they are showing everyone how they are rational and sensible (because of course, POC can’t be trusted to have a rational and sensible perspective on their realities) It breaks my heart for us that we have to deal with all this brokenness.

My way back Ex (with whom I have children with) is the opposite even though he is also a non confrontational person too, so I know what it looks like when a white man supports his black woman in public because he is an ally. Even when it’s not derectly related to race. Because it has to do with respecting me and supporting me in confrontations and in situations where basically I automatically have less power.  (added info: he has done anti-racism training and understands how racism works)

My current partner just does. not. get. this. but luckily we aren’t in these situations too often. But, yeah. The brokenness just eats me up.  

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