Post # 31
Dh reflexively takes my side. I don’t think he even processes what he’s doing. It just comes out, completely naturally. He’s president of my fan club.
If I pitched some kind of fit in public, he would be mortified. But, he would quietly escort me out of the building and that would be the end of it. For him. I’d still be yammering away.
Post # 32
- Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK
Yeah that would annoy me too. Not cool dude.
If I’m out of line in a bad way, then call me out on it. It would have to be seriously major to do that in front of a third party though. But otherwise, I expect us to present a united front to the outside world, and behind closed doors we can whatever.
TBF I’m unlikely to have this problem as Darling Husband is seriously non-confrontational and would probably just follow me shaking his head, then listen to me vent to keep the peace with me. Anything for an easy life sometimes 😉
Post # 33
As you said OP, I’d expect my spouse to back me up in the moment, and then tell me later that I was being an overdramatic hothead (not that you were…that’s a comment on me).
Post # 34
Overjoyed : I’m on your side in this. I always have my husband’s back and he always has mine. Loyalty is the most important quality to me in a person. I also don’t think you were wrong in the situation, you didn’t scream at the cashier, you simply asked a question and then left, which you had every right to do. You handled the situation. Your husband’s behavior is honestly strange to me, my husband would never do that.
Post # 35
I back my partner up in public unless I think she’s really out of order. I don’t agree with just blindly backing or defending someone regardless of what they’ve done just because they’re your partner/friend/relative etc. In private I will give her my honest opinion and I ask the same from her. I don’t want a partner or anyone bullshitting me telling me I’m right when they think I’m in the wrong, it’s fake and I prefer people’s honest opinions.
Post # 36
I’m with you OP. I think your husband’s actions are hurtful and kind of baffling. I’d be SUPER pissed. Like you don’t do that shit in public. He basically made your argument look irrelevant by taking the cobbler’s side? Wtf man. But like another PP said, I am def the kind of person who takes loyalty to a fault, so I can’t relate to this haha. If my Fiance is in a situation like this, I’m ride or die with him regardless of if he was right or wrong. I may tell him privately later that I think he could have handled it better/differently, but in public no way! He’s really good about this too so it goes both ways
Post # 37
Overjoyed : if my husband did that to me in front of some stranger cashier woman I would be furious. It’s like he was trying to put you in your place in front of this other woman. Yes I would be annoyed.
Post # 38
Overjoyed : I’m pissed at your husband for you. The cashier was clearly being a racist dick and why should you give that store your money if that is how you’re going to be treated? You weren’t rude – they didn’t want to serve you so you put down the items and left. I’m not going to argue with someone to take my money either! If he thought you reacted poorly he should have brought it up with you later in private – blocking you from leaving the store and “demanding” that you work it out? F that – you are not his child and he should not treat you like one.
Post # 39
missyjz : I don’t see the two scenarios as contradictory. I see them as different sides of the same coin. If I had to guess, I think it’s less an issue that he wants to keep the peace, but moreso that he regards my position as automatically wrong and is therefore likely to take the side of the person disagreeing with me. I have lots of unsubstantiated theories about why he’s like that, but it’s something I noticed pretty early on.
pond : which is weird because he relies on me a lot and has no problem trusting my judgment for major things. But when it comes to, say, me entering a room mentioning “it’s cold in here,” he immediately and instinctively has to reply with “no it’s not.” If I reply that I’m only speaking of how cold *I* feel, he might wander down the path of “well technically, it’s 72.1 degrees in here, but it’s 69.8 degrees in the hallway, so it shouldn’t have felt cold to you when you walked in here.” Usually, it’s just a funny annoying quirk, so I smile to myself, roll my eyes and move on but lately it’s been irking me more than usual.
Shesaidyes : My husband and I are the same ethnicity. However, your comment does have some relevance because (1) we live in his hometown and (2) I came of age in the US which is evident by my mannerisms–most notably my accent– and am in many ways, a foreigner here. I do think there may be some element of subconsciously trying to show people that he’s managing me. I’ve been told before that I need to be sensitive about reprimanding people (such as waitstaff, household staff, customer service folks) because it stings double for them given that I sound like a colonizer. Perhaps he likes to step in when I’m disagreeing with someone because he’s worried about coming across as the sellout brother allowing his foreign wife to degrade his “own” in situations where he’s not sure it’s warranted. But when he does feel it’s warranted, look out! He will report to me that there’s hair in his food, or that our housekeeper damaged something, or that the operator had him on hold too long, precisely because he wants me to cause a classy scene and “handle it” in that way that only I can.
This may come out weird, but I am extremely good at arguing. I don’t mean that I’m argumentative in an aggressive sense, but I’m very skilled at articulating my position persuasively. I’ve won awards for my argumentation skills and I’m an international negotiator in my job. Essentially, treaties get signed and wars don’t break out because I diplomatically convince very important people to agree with me, every day. I once had an ex who hated the way I have of always managing to be “right” when we argued and would openly (and unsuccessfully) try to knock me down a few pegs. My husband is not like that, thank goodness.
Post # 40
campingbee54 : yeah, I’ve been in the car with him on two separate occasions where he hit somebody and it was completely his fault. I can’t even imagine the flipping out he would have done had I said “wait, let me go ask the other driver what her thoughts are” or worse yet, said aloud in front of the other person “well, I see her point. It really was your fault, as you were looking down to adjust the radio and didn’t notice her slowing down.” I unfortunately didn’t think of any of that when we were discussing why his taking the cashier’s side was inappropriate, lol
Post # 41
Overjoyed : I once had an ex who hated the way I have of always managing to be “right” when we argued and would openly (and unsuccessfully) try to knock me down a few pegs. My husband is not like that, thank goodness.
I mean you know your relationship best, but from all the examples you’ve shared in this thread…from the issue with the cashier to your husband arguing with you over whether or not you are in fact feeling cold, it sounds like your husband is actually exactly “like that.”
Post # 42
This would infuriate me… going back to get the cashier’s “side of the story”?? WTF! Fact was, you felt slighted and no longer wanted to do business with that person. End of transaction, he made it a big thing by going back and trying to mediate.
I didn’t realize I did it, but I have a habit of playing Devils Advocate or trying to figure out the other persons perspective/reasoning when SO has a disagreement. Sometimes it helpful, sometimes he just wants to vent a bit. I’m usually pretty good at knowing when it will be helpful but sometimes he has to say “why are you disagreeing with everything today?” before I realize that I’m not paying attention to what he needs in that moment.
Its concerning that your husband seems to feel like you’re automatically in the ‘wrong’ in situations like these. I’m just spit-balling here, but maybe he knows that you’re a really good negotiator and doesn’t want the person on the other end to feel intimidated? Maybe he knows that you don’t need his help in this area, so he doesn’t really think that him going to bat for the other person is unsupportive?
Post # 43
tiffanybruiser : I agree with this.
OP I find it interesting that you appeared to disagree with me, then said he automatically thinks you’re wrong versus what I said in my post “it’s like he’s proactively trying to prove you wrong”. Basically rephrasing what I said without agreeing with me.
Not trying to argue with you – someone who’s won awards for their ability to argue – but I do wonder if you communicate with your husband the same way day to day.
I asked “Does he feel like you always have to be right?” and I feel like the answer might be yes.
I wonder how often do you say “I agree” or “good point” or “you were right” to your husband – things that many of us have trouble doing of course but I imagine aren’t things you would normally say in negotiations professionally and I wonder if you’re more used to that style of communication and use it on your husband.
Post # 44
tiffanybruiser : I didn’t go into enough detail to be clear. I meant that my husband doesn’t do that when we argue privately. When we were alone, my ex used to pick fights with me and try to stump me and other petty stuff to get back at me for having “won” an argument. And he would prolong and protract arguments when he had clearly been proven wrong (i.e. “yes 212 *is* the area code for Atlanta, IDC what you say”). That feels completely different –and comes from, I believe, an entirely different motivation–than what my husband sometimes does.
Post # 45
missyjz : I didn’t disagree with you overall, just with your comment about the two scenarios being contradictory. I fully agreed with the whole rest of what you said. Also, there’s a chance I conflated your comment with a PP’s since I was responding to multiple people in the same post. Sorry for any confusion.
Does he think I always have to be right? Obviously not, since he always thinks I’m wrong, lol. Probably, I do not give those “you’re right, good point” platitudes very often. But, of the two of us, I am definitely the only one who ever does…ever.
Also, Bee. I’m not arguing here (or looking to). I’m not in the mode of trying to convince anyone of anything and there are no stakes here. I’m just sharing stories and looking for insight. And I’m grateful whatever thoughts you all are sharing. Thanks for contributing 🙂