Don't you want your SO to take your side?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Overjoyed :  

Dh reflexively takes my side.  I don’t think he even processes what he’s doing.  It just comes out, completely naturally.  He’s president of my fan club.

If I pitched some kind of fit in public, he would be mortified.  But, he would quietly escort me out of the building and that would be the end of it.  For him.  I’d still be yammering away.

Post # 32
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK

Yeah that would annoy me too. Not cool dude.

If I’m out of line in a bad way, then call me out on it. It would have to be seriously major to do that in front of a third party though. But otherwise, I expect us to present a united front to the outside world, and behind closed doors we can whatever.

TBF I’m unlikely to have this problem as Darling Husband is seriously non-confrontational and would probably just follow me shaking his head, then listen to me vent to keep the peace with me. Anything for an easy life sometimes 😉

Post # 33
Member
3819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

As you said OP, I’d expect my spouse to back me up in the moment, and then tell me later that I was being an overdramatic hothead (not that you were…that’s a comment on me).

Post # 34
Member
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Overjoyed :  I’m on your side in this.  I always have my husband’s back and he always has mine.  Loyalty is the most important quality to me in a person.  I also don’t think you were wrong in the situation, you didn’t scream at the cashier, you simply asked a question and then left, which you had every right to do.  You handled the situation.  Your husband’s behavior is honestly strange to me, my husband would never do that.

Post # 35
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

I back my partner up in public unless I think she’s really out of order. I don’t agree with just blindly backing or defending someone regardless of what they’ve done just because they’re your partner/friend/relative etc. In private I will give her my honest opinion and I ask the same from her. I don’t want a partner or anyone bullshitting me telling me I’m right when they think I’m in the wrong, it’s fake and I prefer people’s honest opinions. 

Post # 36
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m with you OP. I think your husband’s actions are hurtful and kind of baffling. I’d be SUPER pissed. Like you don’t do that shit in public. He basically made your argument look irrelevant by taking the cobbler’s side? Wtf man. But like another PP said, I am def the kind of person who takes loyalty to a fault, so I can’t relate to this haha. If my Fiance is in a situation like this, I’m ride or die with him regardless of if he was right or wrong. I may tell him privately later that I think he could have handled it better/differently, but in public no way! He’s really good about this too so it goes both ways 

Post # 37
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

Overjoyed :  if my husband did that to me in front of some stranger cashier woman I would be furious. It’s like he was trying to put you in your place in front of this other woman. Yes I would be annoyed. 

Post # 38
Member
5600 posts
Bee Keeper

Overjoyed :  I’m pissed at your husband for you. The cashier was clearly being a racist dick and why should you give that store your money if that is how you’re going to be treated? You weren’t rude – they didn’t want to serve you so you put down the items and left. I’m not going to argue with someone to take my money either! If he thought you reacted poorly he should have brought it up with you later in private – blocking you from leaving the store and “demanding” that you work it out? F that – you are not his child and he should not treat you like one. 

Post # 41
Member
7018 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Overjoyed :  I once had an ex who hated the way I have of always managing to be “right” when we argued and would openly (and unsuccessfully) try to knock me down a few pegs. My husband is not like that, thank goodness. 

I mean you know your relationship best, but from all the examples you’ve shared in this thread…from the issue with the cashier to your husband arguing with you over whether or not you are in fact feeling cold, it sounds like your husband is actually exactly “like that.”

Post # 42
Member
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

This would infuriate me… going back to get the cashier’s “side of the story”?? WTF! Fact was, you felt slighted and no longer wanted to do business with that person. End of transaction, he made it a big thing by going back and trying to mediate. 

I didn’t realize I did it, but I have a habit of playing Devils Advocate or trying to figure out the other persons perspective/reasoning when SO has a disagreement. Sometimes it helpful, sometimes he just wants to vent a bit. I’m usually pretty good at knowing when it will be helpful but sometimes he has to say “why are you disagreeing with everything today?” before I realize that I’m not paying attention to what he needs in that moment. 

Its concerning that your husband seems to feel like you’re automatically in the ‘wrong’ in situations like these. I’m just spit-balling here, but maybe he knows that you’re a really good negotiator and doesn’t want the person on the other end to feel intimidated? Maybe he knows that you don’t need his help in this area, so he doesn’t really think that him going to bat for the other person is unsupportive?

Post # 43
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

tiffanybruiser :  I agree with this.

OP I find it interesting that you appeared to disagree with me, then said he automatically thinks you’re wrong versus what I said in my post “it’s like he’s proactively trying to prove you wrong”. Basically rephrasing what I said without agreeing with me.

Not trying to argue with you – someone who’s won awards for their ability to argue – but I do wonder if you communicate with your husband the same way day to day. 

I asked “Does he feel like you always have to be right?” and I feel like the answer might be yes.

I wonder how often do you say “I agree” or “good point” or “you were right” to your husband – things that many of us have trouble doing of course but I imagine aren’t things you would normally say in negotiations professionally and I wonder if you’re more used to that style of communication and use it on your husband.

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