Don't you want your SO to take your side?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Canada

Overjoyed :  I agree with you.  If this was a friend or family member and not a cashier, I can see “smoothing things over.”  But you don’t need to smooth over anything with a cashier.  He should have left with you and let you vent. 

Post # 48
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It does seem extreme that he went back and asked the cashier’s viewpoint. That’s hard for me to understand and would be frustrating!!

Is he argumentative in general? I know I have a tendency to argue—if my husband said it was hot, I might try to disagree with him and say it was cold, lol. I got this trait from my grandmother who argued about everything. I have to work on being agreeable sometimes. 

I do think it’s worth talking to him about this and telling him that you would like him to be on your side more often. 

Post # 49
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

Overjoyed :  no probs all good 🙂 have you asked he why he does that in public? Why he felt the need to argue for the other person?

Post # 50
Member
3560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Overjoyed :  firstly, I’m so sorry that you had to deal with such racism. 

As for your question…it really depends. If that had happened to me, my husband would probably have stormed back in too – but to confront the cashier or a manager about the situation (as in, he would have assumed that i was the victim here and would be defending me). It sounds like your SO doesn’t give you the benefit of the doubt in these situations – and that sucks. I don’t always expect my husband to agree with me, but i DO expect him to give me the benefit of the doubt. 

Post # 53
Member
430 posts
Helper bee

I’m totally on your side about the situation in the original post. Most of the PP covered it, but it’s definitely wrong of him to jump to the defense of a total stranger who just insulted his wife. I’ve had the same issue with my SO in the past, and we had to have a few discussions about being on the same team and having each other’s back. I think he gets it now, but it was really hurtful in the past when it seemed like he was on everyone else’s side, but never on my side.

I can relate to your latest update too. Why does he always assume you’re wrong, if he’s not sure about something? Like, he doesn’t know what kind of car that is, but he’s positive that you’re wrong about it being a Subaru? My SO was doing that kind of thing for awhile. I noticed that he would always argue with me, even if he didn’t know the right answer, unless someone else stepped in and said “Cypress is right.” Only then would he accept the fact that I was right about something. It’s like he needed a third party to confirm whatever we were debating about, but he wouldn’t believe anything coming from me. When I pointed out his tendency to automatically assume that whatever I’m saying must be wrong, he did admit that makes him look like a jerk. He’s been working on it and seems to be making progress.

Post # 54
Member
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Have you tried couples counseling? This is a communication issue that woud drive. me. nuts. He needs to understand how he’s making you feel and put some real effort into changing his behavior. If that’s not an option, I’d suggest you stop running errands together, but your recent updates make it sound like he does this constantly. Second-guessing you all the time IS questioning your intelligence, whether he means it that way or not. It sounds exhausting and frustrating.

Post # 55
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

Overjoyed :  lol about the chives and car. You might be onto something there, does he do this to other people too? Needing all the data before agreeing? 

I must admit sometimes I do this – I have a need to see things for myself instead of just believing what someone tells me. Not with all things, but I guess more things that I found unbelievable or feel unsure about. A few times my fiancé asked me why I had to google everything instead of just believing what he tells me is right (eg one time we were discussing the effect or lackthereof for taking ibuprofen long term). I think for me it’s more the factual stuff that I feel the need to verify but not if he’s telling me his experience, positive or negative. He did say it felt like I didn’t trust him or believe him. I think I’m a lot better now but for me it’s like I just wanted to be factually correct. 

Post # 56
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Overjoyed :  It’s very possible!! Sometimes my husband says that we should stop arguing about something and it confuses me because I feel like we were having a discussion, not an argument. 

Post # 58
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Girl what you are describing would drive me INSANE. Why is it his default reaction to be negating and argumentative? 

Post # 59
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

Overjoyed :  The “I need more information on that before I can agree” thing sounds exactly like my cousin who has Aspergers. He can’t understand that in many social situations, the minutiae about what is objectively factually correct isn’t always the most important thing in that moment.

If your SO always puts objective facts above your feelings, it suggests that he is having trouble understanding how it is appropriate to behave in this particular social interaction (when your partner is upset/is having a disagreement with someone, it is your job to support and comfort them in the moment, and maybe bring it up later if you thought they were in the wrong. Not take the other persons side and argue their point instead of deciding to back your partner up). 

I’m not saying he is on the spectrum. Rather that if people don’t have much experience dealing with certain social intractions in a particular way, then they may not have developed the skill to deal with that particlar situation. How does he respond when you voice your concern about his lack of support, when you aren’t talking about a particular occurence.

A few months ago, my SO and I were at a party. I was speaking the colleague of a friend when she made a homophobic joke. I didn’t laugh and was quite taken aback, to which she commented “oh, you must just be unfamiliar with the british sense of humour”. I knew she said it because I am brown, and so she assumed I wasn’t british. My SO didn’t hear any of this, as he walked over just after she had made that comment. All he heard was me saying “I didn’t laugh because your joke was, quite frankly, disgusting. I am very well aquainted with british humour, seeing as I have been a british citizen since birth. It usually doesn’t involve degrading LGBT individuals”. I walked away, and my SO took my hand and squeezed it as he walked away with me. Then he asked me what happened when we’d left the room. He didn’t feel the need to hear her side of the story as he trusts me and my perception of what was said and implied. I would have felt humiliated had he taken her side and argued against me. He let me feel my annoyance, and knowing that he supported me made me able to let go of that annoyance faster. 

Post # 60
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

Ugh. This reminds me of my dad and his sister. No idea why but my whole life they have never believed anything I say. This is despite the fact that I’m ALWAYS right because I don’t proclaim things to be true when I don’t actually know if they are. 

Even the simplest things… I’ll say it’s raining and the immediate response will be “Raining?! I don’t think so. I don’t hear anything.” 

And I’ll direct them to look outside where it is most definitely raining and they’ll pass it off. “That’s not rain! It’s barely even sprinkling!” And then I’ll say, “Why are there puddles then?” No response. Never any recognition that I’m right about anything. 

I have no idea why they’re like that but it drives me insane. I have to say though with the cashier situation or the heel situation my dad would have believed me and taken my side, likely getting angry on my behalf. Who knows why people think and act the way they do… Sigh, lol. 

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