Don't you want your SO to take your side?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Overjoyed :  I would like to amend my comment in light of your updates.  I dont want my Darling Husband to automatically take my side in these sorts of situations and I would think it would be an unfair expectation for others to expect that of their so’s however i dont think that’s the problem here.  To me your SO is undermining you and your perspectives. I would not be okay with that.  

Post # 62
Member
10574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Overjoyed :  

Bee, he is gaslighting the hell out of you.  You give him a set of facts.  And rather than acknowledge that, his reflexive reaction is to try to convince you that your facts are wrong.  No matter that you were the lone eye witness.  You still have to be wrong.

One big problem here is that you have allowed this crap to go on and have been feeding into it by complying with his insane demands for corroborating evidence.

It is a horrible feeling to not be taken at your word.  Its exponentially more horrible when it’s the person who is supposed to love you the most.

The dragging you back into the store was way OTT.  He wasn’t investigating a homicide, for gawd’s sake.  I suppose you could consider yourself fortunate that he didn’t insist on taking statements from the other people in line.

Bee, he is treating you as less than.  He deals with you as if you were a child with naughty propensities.  I have no idea how you can stand it.  I’m way over here typing and I’m about to go scream into my pillow.

So no one misunderstands, I am NOT offering up a diagnosis.  (That’s not addressed to you, Bee). What I would suggest is that you do a little research on narcissism, especially cerebral narcissism.  See if anything resonates for you.

Post # 63
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Overjoyed : My husband is exactly the same and it’s exhausting and worrying…he’s now seeing a therapist who specialises in controlling men and I see a therapist who specialises in women being gaslighted, put down, not believed etc etc 

Its helping but only because he’s willing to accept responsibility for his actions. It’s taken years and it’s just a glimmer of hope right now, nothing substantial. In the meantime (after 7 years of it) I don’t fully trust him, our marriage has been damaged and I’m fuming

Im not saying our lives mirror each other but your posts are extremely familiar to me. You always come across as bright and articulate which makes me question his motives even more. (My husband never believes me and the perpetrator is the victim in his eyes. He has so much time and generosity of spirit for the total stranger in my stories…doesn’t matter who they are he accepts them to be the reasonable, balanced, clear minded one.)

Sorry I don’t mean to vent, I just feel for you enormously especially if it’s day in day out 😕

Post # 64
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

My husband always seems to “feel sorry” for the other person instead of taking my side.  He hates conflict so he always gives in.  It drives me nuts.  For example one night we went to a dance at his college where I knew no one and he knew quite a few people.  This girl came up and asked him to dance and he said yes and just left me standing there by myself.  I constantly tell him that he should be on my side not the strangers.

Post # 65
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Maybe your husband just want everything to be solve calmly without anything happened to you. either way, every problem do have both sides of stories, so i may think that your husband didn’t do you wrong and you yourself. Even though i know it was so annoying to have that happened to you. Cheer up!

Post # 66
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

My husband and I always take each other’s side, then when we are alone we can talk about what happened. We always come across as a united front 

Post # 67
Member
10574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Tisa85 :  

This is a very misogynistic position.  I suspect he takes everything his male friends say at face value.  This comes out of old patriarchal thinking.

My narcissist father was like this.  And he was also a mysoginist.  If a woman did it or said it, it was automatically bad or wrong.  And my mother cooperated fully by drinking herself to blackout pretty much every day through most of my childhood, never held a job, and didn’t know how to drive a car (that was actually a blessing).  All so dad could say:  See!  This is exactly what I’m talking about.

 

Post # 68
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, that’s a pretty serious pattern of disrespecting your judgement. I would get into the habit of telling him “Honey, go and wait in the car” every time he contradicts you in front of someone else. 

Post # 69
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

sassy411 :  Gosh I’m so sorry to hear you went through that 🙁

Lots of women including OP have to deal with this which is awful

I’ve been trying to figure out where this slippery, subtle misogny comes from as his dad isn’t like that and his mum is a strong, caring character and many have deep respect for her including her sons. Darling Husband really likes women and doesn’t understand men who don’t…

Your comment: ‘ See! This is exactly what I’m talking about.’ That is the next level up and I’ve heard it a lot in the past but from someone other than Darling Husband. That is really bad news…

 

Post # 70
Member
10574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Tisa85 :  

I think a lot of it is cultural.  The movies of the 1950s and 60s didn’t help us much.  In the forties, so many women enlisted in the military and those who stayed behind jumped into the labor market, doing grueling work in factories to help the war effort and cover for the missing men.

In the 1940s, we saw strong women in films, Barbara Stanwyck comes to mind, and Katherine Hepburn.  They were still products of their era, but, it was a positive change.  Not all women had to be beautiful airheads.

And then there is the impact of male role models for children.  Good gawd, what are we doing?  Read the lyrics from some popular hip hop artists, unfreakinbelivable.  Women exist to service men and be raped.  The level of disrespect being fired at women is amazing.  Eminem wrote a song about murdering the mother of his children, chopping her up, and stuffing her into the trunk of his car.

I think a lot of men are covert misogynists.  You’ll see this in older generations.  They really intend no disrespect, They’re of a different era. Without real awareness, these guys have the weaker sex view of women.  They really think they’re being gentlemen.  These men are also very protective of wome.  They’re also the guys who will call you honey or sweetie when it’s not appropriate.

I give these guys very wide berth.  Some of them fought in WW II.  An 87 year old who once stormed the beach at Normandy isn’t going to have much impact on how I see myself.

More enlightened though we are, there remains a patriarchal streak in our culture that is tolerated, even celebrated.

I’m happy that you found someone secure in his masculinity.

 

Post # 71
Member
3036 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’m a little late to the party because ads keep crashing WB, but as someone who worked in the Disability Resource Center of a large college for six years and met hundreds of people whose brains worked differently than the norm, alarm bells are going off in my head every time you update with more information on his behaviors. Has he been assessed for autism spectrum disorders? Because he sounds like so many of the high-functioning autustic people I knew. I had to word everything precisely and include supporting evidence or it would trigger an absurdist argument about my choice of words or what really happened and I would often take it super personally (e.g. are you accusing me of lying/insulting my intelligence?!).

There is absolutely no malice/attempt at manipulation behind what they’re saying. Is he an honest person in general? Does he seem confused by why you get worked up over things like him not picking up on the obviously racist cashier or the incident I will now refer to as Chivegate? 

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