- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2011
Hi bees, I’m incognito on this one. I’m ashamed. Sad. I feel guilty admitting this.
I married really, truly an incredible man. I’m not exaggerating or trying to brag (I promise you) but he is the tall, dark and handsome type. Chiseled jaw, six pack, model looks. He is in a very honorable and prestigious career that will take us into the upper income bracket in a few years. His heart is made of gold. He has a very strong faith, very strong morals. He loves his family. He respects me. He’s witty and funny. He dresses well. He loves to travel. He’s an incredible cook. Loves travel, culture, wine. Ok. I’ll stop. He’s my dream man and honestly, there are times I get super, super insecure because I imagine him with a supermodel type but instead he’s with me (but that’s a whole separate issue). Obviously I have self esteem issues.
Anyhow, as I mentioned he has a very strong faith and strong morals. For this reason, his upbringing, a fear of getting a girl pregnant, etc he was a virgin until we got married. After a few years of dating, we probably would have had sex (and we had come close) but we thought we waited this long we might as well just wait until marriage. Plus, we were both satisfied with other manners of pleasing each other. He is always very eager to please me- I usually orgasm at least twice every time we were intimate. Often times more- he’s a very unselfish lover. He knows exactly where to touch me and what I like.
I had a different, more liberal upbringing and have had several partners in my past, before I met him. I am more experienced than he is. Unfortunately, I know how it is to feel intimate with other men. And even more unfortunate, I can’t help but compare my husband to my past lovers. Cue the guilt and the tears. He doesn’t deserve that.
So… cue more guilt and shame for feeling this way. My husband is not very well endowed. He’s probably slightly smaller than average. He also, I believe, might have a problem with premature ejaculation. Of course I have been very patient, because I know we’ll work it out and our sex will get ‘better’… but I just can’t see myself ever having that hot, rough, wild, crazy, hair pulling sex with him because when he’s fully aroused, I feel him, but it’s not…argh how do I word this…it’s almost like it’s just not enough. And not only that, but he quickly orgasms. And I know that he’s just really excited because we just started having sex, but he’s always orgasmed fairly quickly when performing oral or giving a hand job (which, I never minded because who wants to give a BJ for an hour?) And really, please forgive me, but sometimes a woman just wants a good, carnal animalistic sex, you know? I am really scared that I feel that way now and I may grow increasingly unsatisfied as our marriage progresses.
The first time we had sex on our wedding night, he compared sex to a really good blow job. He said, “I hope that wasn’t offensive.” What is that supposed to mean? That my vag feels like a big mouth? Maybe I’m not tight enough?
So now I’m all insecure and I’m not sure what to do or think about our sex life and its future. Of course, I love this man to death and can’t imagine life without him. I just feel so guilty and sad that I feel this way. I am also sad that I’m the only woman he’ll ever be with. I’m not anything special. But that too is another issue.
Anyway, sorry this is long and rambling. In complete and total confession, part of the reason that I was able to wait 4 years without having sex with him was because I knew that due to his size, I wasn’t going to have mind blowing sex so I didn’t mind waiting. I am pleased in other ways, but sex is the deepest closest type of intimacy between two people and I am scared that I won’t ever feel fulfilled. And we’ve only been married a very short time.
Please don’t be mean- I know I’m a horrible person for feeling this way, which is why I’m anonymous and crying right now. I just don’t know how to deal with these feelings right now. This is my deepest secret.