(Closed) “Do’s and Don’ts for friends of the Pre-engaged”

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

I told me SO I need to make him a chicken dinner so he’ll propose and he laughed and said I could cook all the chicken in my county, but I won’t get my ring one day sooner than he already has planned. Bummer!

 

And I 110% agree about the friends. If one more of my friends tells me I shouldn’t be unmarried at my age, I’m going to slap someone. 

Post # 18
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

Yes yes yes, thank you for posting this!

I appreciate that my friends want us to be happy together, but seriously, let us live our lives without you setting our timeline. We are waiting for him to finish college and when I tell people that that’s why it hasn’t happened yet they’re like “Well can’t you tell him to finish school sooner?” Really, people? And every time I get back from visiting him (LDR) people are like “Why didn’t you get a ring this time? I really thought you would. ” How many time do I have to tell you I know it’s another year until the engagement? Leave us alone already. Can’t we be content to just be dating?

Fortunately no one has ever suggested that I propose, but if they did, I would end that quickly. Absolutely not. My bf always says the girl gets to plan the wedding so at least let the guy plan the engagement. 🙂

We have our reasons for not being engaged yet, and it really is nice when people support that instead of pushing us to move too fast.

Post # 19
Member
975 posts
Busy bee

@MsKiki: Right, what is this about engagement chicken? Never heard that before.

Post # 20
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

“I can listen to you talk about wedding details for hours, because I know that your experience will make my life easier down the road. But please, under no circumstances imply that I’m jealous. It’s not a competition.”

Oh I feel this!! I’m not jealous thank you. I don’t want to marry your Fiance – I am totally in love with my SO and our time will come when it should come. Being ocassionally upset about the length of time it has taken my SO DOES NOT make me jealous of you!

*end rant*

Post # 21
Member
820 posts
Busy bee

I actually feel very lucky to be “pre-engaged”!  Right now, being married isn’t the best idea due to changes in my academic career.  I don’t know where I’ll be next year, and cannot restrict myself to where SO is already settled (ie owns a home and has a stable job). 

This may seem counterintuitive, but I know that SO loves me because he has NOT proposed.  He has accepted the fact that I need to do this for me, and that may mean that we won’t be able to get married for a few years.  I am just so grateful that he has NEVER asked me to choose between him and my dream.  While it may not be in the timeframe I’d originally hoped for, I can still have my cake and eat it too! 

Like so many other PPs, we know that we are meant to be together, but right now, for whatever reason, isn’t the time.

I’m content with an amazing man who loves me fully and accepts me for who I am.  Our vision of the future is shared, and the promise of that future together is more than I can ask for right now. 

 

Post # 22
Member
2396 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is great! I wish I would have had it when I was waiting, I would have hung it up in my cubicle. This will be a great comfort to a lot of waiting bees…there are too many posts about people saying ridiculous things like your friend did! I hope this helps people.

Post # 23
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Thanks for sharing! I feel like it put my feelings into words perfectly!

Post # 24
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

AMEN! While I am not at all ballsy nor ever dare to think to propose to him but I want all my friends and pals who I work with to stop telling me that I’ll be next whenever one of us gets engaged. Really? I’ll get engaged when he’s ready and when we’re ready. Not because you give us your friggen blessing. Lol. 

I’m just honestly happy everyday to be with him. When it comes I’ll be soo happy but I’m content just being us as we are. 🙂 

Post # 25
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I love EVERYTHING about this post! Couldn’t agree more 🙂

Post # 26
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

“Call me new-fashioned, but I believe that as an educated woman in my late twenties with my own assets, ideas, experience and opinions, I shouldn’t be waiting on my partner to make one of the biggest decisions of our lives on his own.”-

AWESOME!!!! I applauded at my Comp when I read this it’s so refreshing! I’m in a LDR with my BF and we discussed getting engaged before the end of this year back in January… So i have been in waiting a while! We have planned our engagement down to next month (by my request) because of the distance and to be practical in my job haunt the company I work for usually has an abundance of jobs around a certain time of year and I will be the one who has to MOVE, SWITCH jobs, and I’m already applying for a transfer with my company for a new job, plus i just started a new job less than a year ago so moving abruptly wouldn’t look good. I talked to my BF about when we were getting engaged because it’s a big deal that impacts my life too so I’m glad someone put this in words! I get sooooo annoyed feeling like something this big shouldn’t require my input and if I have an OPINION then I’m pressuring him! Great article thx for sharing!

Post # 27
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee

@wishingonadream04: very true. My guy feels horrible that we’re not married yet despite the fact that we’re both job hunting and have to get that squared away before we put an end to the long distance portion of our relationship and the constant questions of when we’re getting engaged make him feel worse. So I try to deflect some of that from him. 

Post # 28
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Thank you, thank you for this!!!

I just wrote a post on here last week about things people say to me regarding not being engaged yet.

Don’t: Assume that I’m angry, bitter, jilted, lonely, sad or otherwise suffering. I count my blessings every single morning and night. I’ve found the love of my life and he loves me back. We’re planning our future together and spending as much as our present together as possible. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. Assuming that I’m upset because I’m not engaged is frustrating, because I can’t convince anyone otherwise. The more I insist that I’m happy, the more people tilt their head with a sad smile and, while rubbing my shoulder, sighing “oh don’t worry sweetie, the ring is coming.” It’s as if they think the longer it takes to get engaged, the less he loves me, and the more delusional I am. Be kind to the pre-engaged and use this line instead: “I’m so happy to see you like this! You’ve found the person you want to spend your life with. It only gets better from here.”

Exactly!!

We are happy! We will get engaged eventually and the fact that we aren’t at the moment doesn’t mean that there was a dramatic event that posponed it!

SO happy to have seen this post, it seems only you waiting bees understand. Thanks again!

Post # 29
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

I’m sorry & I know I’m going to get a lot of hate on this but being “pre engaged” is a problem. There’s a point in the relationship when you go from boyfriend & girlfriend to being pre engaged. Boyfriend & girlfriend is what middle schoolers & high schoolers use to define a “puppy love relationship.” Pre engaged is talk about the future & starting to take ACTION. When we started to plan our future together (minus the proposal/rock/agreement… that’s pre engaged. If I’m planning my life around you, I’m expecting for us to get married. I wouldn’t rent/own a home without us being engaged. If he hasn’t asked talk, don’t nag, about why. Make sure there are legitimate reasons (job, school debt to pay off… ect). It is a problem to be pre engaged bc there isn’t communication going on. How ever, if he has explained that he needs to pay of school, for example, kindly tell people that & you won’t get snarky remarks. It’s a hard stage to be in & it’s okay to be upset about. Putting a “tough girl” act makes you seem a little more “desperate.” My two cents. The fiancé & I are happily engaged now & my fiancé saw the worst in me during that stage… He still got down on one knee even if I’m slightly crazy lol 

Post # 30
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Erika1216:  Wait, when I first read your post I thought you were supporting the pre-engaged state because it’s deeper than just being boy/girlfriend but obviosuly the actual proposal didn’t happen yet. I guess pre-engagement is a problem if there are no actual concise planst move towards the next stage (I guess that’s a proboem for any stage!).

DH & I were “pre-engaged” pretty much as we began our relationship. Without going into details, at the same time we admitted feelings to each other & wanting to be together, we also were on the same page about being dating leading to marriage pretty soon. So we started out planning our life together. 

Post # 31
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

@snowjewelz:  that’s extactly what I meant. Didn’t know if I was making sense lol. There being plans for a future is exactly what I mean. I feel the guy/girl deserves the respect of saying “Hey, this may sound crazy but i want a future with you & think we should be engaged.” The proposal & engagement is two differnent things. My (now) Fianve & I always knew we would marry, but planning for our future happened once he was about to propose (not my idea but he wanted to surprise me). Pre engaged to me is waiting for an “if” or “why hasn’t it happened although he said he would propose 7 months ago.” I feel there is something going on if the “girl” is hopelessly calling herself pre engaged. I’m proud to call him my fiancé! Calling him “pre-fiancé” seems just as “high school” as calling him my boyfriend; it sounds worse!

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