Post # 1
Have been dating this guy for 3 years. He is 28, I am 23. We have a good relationship, however some things have bothered me since day 1, that I’ve squashed down. I don’t know if I’m being judgemental and ridiculous.
He never went to a traditional 4 year college; he tried going to a 2 year community college but stopped going. He then just moved out, started working, paying rent. This is fine with me as people have different interests/paths, however, his current job is as a server in a restaurant, which he has now done for 10 years. To be honest, I don’t think of serving as a long term job as the income is unreliable. He is not a planner and pretty much spends his money on his whims (TV, video games, typical guy stuff). He has been talking for a few months now about a new job or potentially looking to join a union where “he could make a lot of money”. He has yet to pursue either of these options and shuts down/gets whiny when I ask. I find this incredibly annoying as I’m not the coddling type and do not like to baby people.
I went to a 4 year university and will graduate this May. I feel as though this opened many doors and I am not opposed to moving around a bit and exploring the US, working/living in different states. He is always negative when I bring this up and shoots me down, saying “you’ve never been there, you don’t know anything about that place, why would you want to live there” etc. I do find this negative and feel as though he is dragging me down. However, I have this nagging anxiety that what if I really don’t like moving around?
My parents do not like him but they definitely do not know the full extent of our relationship.
About 9 months to a year ago, we were having a casual conversation about living together. He told me he couldn’t be my first roommate and that I had to live with someone else first, then live with him after, so I could experience being a roommate. (I’ve been living with my parents). I honestly didn’t really care when he said that. However, recently he’s been badgering me to move in with him and acted upset when I said no. He resigned a years lease with roommates, then has since assumed that I will be moving in with him a year from now. He also talks about marriage, a ring, kids BUT I don’t think I want to live with him as he is a bit sloppy, doesn’t clean up right after himself, etc. and isn’t mindful of his money. I’m not sure if compromising is a part of relationships but I am a strict budgeter, and will not like cleaning up after someone who sits around home all day playing video games. Any attempt to talk about these ends in him sulking.
Post # 2
I have fostered dogs for years and have been waiting for the right situation (post-graduation) to adopt (enough savings, house with yard, free time to exercise/spend with the dog). We’ve talked about dogs before but never in a serious context however, as soon as I started looking into adopting, he said no and that i was being selfish as this would impact his life for the next 10-15 years. I understand this but he wants me to wait until we’ve moved in together to adopt a dog so it will be “ours”. If I adopt it this summer, it will be “mine” and he won’t consider it “ours”. He also somewhat threatened to break up with me if I got a dog, because he “wouldn’t want to be with someone who makes decisions without him”
I said “if I adopt it first, then we move in together and it is ours?” He said no, he wouldn’t consider it “ours” then proceeded to call me selfish, etc. I think this is incredibly controlling, my sisters think he is afraid of losing me and is trying to in a way, trap me. I really don’t see what the big deal with me adopting first, then the dog becoming shared after we move in together. I plan on maintaining financial responsibility as well as keeping the dog with me so it wouldn’t be a burden on him, unless he requested it.
But deep down, I do prefer to have the dog be mine first as I think this would be easier if we were to split up in the future. On a more superficial level, he was always reluctant to help out with foster dogs (that he wanted to meet, otherwise I would’ve kept them at my house). He would say “let’s walk her in the morning and get breakfast” but when the puppy woke us up at 7am, he refused to get out of bed and go on a walk. When we talked after, he claimed it was because it was “too early and he wanted to go at 8am”. He had his family dog stay at his house ~2 years ago and I helped out by walking him, feeding, cleaning up etc. without ever complaining. I did bring this up in the argument the other day to which he responded with a few insults and said “idgaf you’ll do whatever you want anyway”
Which brings me to my next point, which is that I try to argue with concise, valid points. He shuts down and becomes defensive and starts insulting.
These have only been negative things and I don’t know if I need to change my mindset or perspective. There are a lot of things he does for me that show me he loves me. I don’t think people have the right to ask others to change themselves entirely as I believe couples should be complimentary and able to stay themselves.
Post # 3
I am generally the last person to say this, but you sound MUUUUUUUCH more mature than your boyfriend. In fact, he sounds like a pretty awful boyfriend and kind of a bad person to boot.
Bee, you’re young, and it sounds like you’re beginning to outgrow this relationship. College and your early 20s… these are times to EXPLORE, both yourself and the world. This person is holding you back, 100%.
In addition, he sounds incredible manipulative! (And a neglectful shithead to animals, which should be a dealbreaker for anyone who cares about animals.) I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag or bad sign or anything to be a server; I’ve seen many career-minded and financially-responsible people stay with server jobs for many years. But in THIS case, he just sounds lazy and unmotivated. That could be a function of him feeling a bit depressed with his situation, but that’s neither here nor there: He is not treating YOU well (again, the emotional manipulation), and he is keeping you from growing.
You’re not going to change him or “show him the light.” You have to decide if you want to put up with this for any serious length of time. I wouldn’t.
ETA: It doesn’t matter if he loves you, Bee. Being loved is a wonderful thing, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with that person. It doesn’t mean that person is right for you.
Post # 4
Uh..28, serving at a restaurant, no ambition, no skills.
sorry he’s a loser. Don’t let him drag you down. I assume he’s your first serious boyfriend. There’s so much more in the world to explore and much more compatible men to meet. You’re already out growing him at 23, imagine in a few years time when your career takes off and you become the bread winner while he stays home and plays games while mooching off you.
Break up, move where you want to move, explore the world. Don’t be in a hurry to settle down.
Post # 5
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
Can you truly imagine yourself spending the next 20, 40, or 60 years with this person? And being happy? While people do mature and develop over time, they don’t change the fundamental aspects of who they are. You don’t sound like you’re particularly compatible with each other, you have different priorities, different goals.
When I read your posts, my first thought was “I would be absolutely miserable being with someone like this guy, why is she with him?”
Post # 6
You’ve outgrown this relationship and this is not the man for you. Your goals in life don’t add up…and they aren’t things that should be compromised on. You are young and have everything going for you, but he is holding you back. Your parents probably see that, and that’s likely a big part of why they don’t like him. You can still love someone and care about them and not be right for each other. Do yourself a favor and break up with him.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
He’s a loser and you are way too ambitious for him. Break up with him and have a ball building your career and fostering dogs and finding someone better. He is not worth another moment of your time.
Post # 8
I usually try to see positives, but you are already one foot out, even if you don’t realise it. You are not even too much “in”, but you are subconsiously planning your “out”. Sorry, but I don’t see you being happy with him. He might be a good person, just not right for you. All what you describe is like constant subdued confrontation. This is absolutely not how a good relationship functions.
At 23 you only begin your adult life. You have your own wishes, interests and plans. Enjoy your life. You don’t need 80 years or so of self-inflicted misery.
Post # 9
He’s dragging you down. He wants you to stay put and have no ambition like him. You’re already planning on the eventual break up which is why you want to adopt a dog on your own. Just pull the cord now. You’re young and you have plans and dreams, don’t let him ruin that.
Post # 10
It’s time to leave, Bee. You have completely outgrown him. Do not let a relationship you started at 19/20 hold you back for the rest of your life. If you stay with him that’s what you’d be doing.
You’ve got one life to live. Explore, travel! I’m sure he does love you, but he is not good for you. You’ve got so much more to do with your life than stay in your hometown with a server who doesn’t want to move in with you. I’m in no way coming down on restaurant workers or people who stay in their hometowns, but this man clearly is not for you.
Post # 11
This whole post makes me want to scream! You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t get stuck with this loser. Move on 🙂
Post # 12
It sounds like you’re outgrown your boyfriend and this relationship. Dump him, get a dog, get a job anywhere in the world that sounds exciting, and don’t EVER look back.
Post # 13
You are with a manchild. He is older but age means nothing and you are more mature than him. This relationship has run its course seemingly. As a to-be graduate, you are going to have a plethora of new opportunities awaiting you. I would prioritize your career rather than a future with him.
Post # 14
Girl, I’ve been there too. This guy sounds like he has no ambition at all. I too am a college graduate but I also know that college isn’t for everyone. However, everyone should have some sort of education whether it be a trade or some type of certification. Union jobs can pay very well and are very lucrative, thus they’re competitive (at least where I’m from)- he should be jumping at any one that he can get. Maybe he’s depressed, maybe he’s not motivated, whichever it is it’s still holding you back and he doesn’t seem to want to change his life either. I don’t suggest moving in with him because I can see you getting a better paying job and him either relying on you financially or putting you down because you make more and playing the victim. You’re very young, you deserve to see what’s out there, not only in terms of relationships but with work. Honestly, you leaving him and going on with your life might help him get his life in check.
Post # 15
Pretty much in agreement with PP’s on this one. It’s SO evident that you’re much more mature than your boyfriend at the age of 23 and that you’ve already outgrown him. You’re going to do so much growing and changing over the next few years and it doesn’t sound like he will be doing the same.
You have ambitions and goals and he is content with life as is. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being content but it’s pretty clear that the way he chooses to live his life does not line up with the way you want to live yours. College is great, but not necessary. My boyfriend didn’t go to college but he knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life and he works his ass off. The fact that your boyfriend didn’t go to college isn’t the problem, it’s the lack of drive to grow and better himself.
Being with someone who loves animals as much as I do is a non-negotiable for me. My boyfriend and I are crazy animal people and we foster as well. Your boyfriend doesn’t share the same passion for animals that you do and that’ll likely cause resentment in your relationship, especially if you move in together.
Based on your post, it seems like you’re already detached from the relationship. You seem very aware of the issues. You can’t “change” someone but people can grow, compromise and adapt. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend possesses the same awareness that you do and therefore, he will likely always be this way. He does seem pretty selfish. Selfish does not work in a relationship. You deserve someone who shares the same desires as you.