Doubtful with boyfriend of 3 years

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

I am generally the last person to say this, but you sound MUUUUUUUCH more mature than your boyfriend. In fact, he sounds like a pretty awful boyfriend and kind of a bad person to boot. 

Bee, you’re young, and it sounds like you’re beginning to outgrow this relationship. College and your early 20s… these are times to EXPLORE, both yourself and the world. This person is holding you back, 100%.

In addition, he sounds incredible manipulative! (And a neglectful shithead to animals, which should be a dealbreaker for anyone who cares about animals.) I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag or bad sign or anything to be a server; I’ve seen many career-minded and financially-responsible people stay with server jobs for many years. But in THIS case, he just sounds lazy and unmotivated. That could be a function of him feeling a bit depressed with his situation, but that’s neither here nor there: He is not treating YOU well (again, the emotional manipulation), and he is keeping you from growing. 

You’re not going to change him or “show him the light.” You have to decide if you want to put up with this for any serious length of time. I wouldn’t. 

ETA: It doesn’t matter if he loves you, Bee. Being loved is a wonderful thing, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with that person. It doesn’t mean that person is right for you. 

Post # 4
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee

Uh..28, serving at a restaurant, no ambition, no skills.

sorry he’s a loser. Don’t let him drag you down. I assume he’s your first serious boyfriend. There’s so much more in the world to explore and much more compatible men to meet. You’re already out growing him at 23, imagine in a few years time when your career takes off and you become the bread winner while he stays home and plays games while mooching off you.

Break up, move where you want to move, explore the world. Don’t be in a hurry to settle down.

Post # 5
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

Can you truly imagine yourself spending the next 20, 40, or 60 years with this person? And being happy? While people do mature and develop over time, they don’t change the fundamental aspects of who they are. You don’t sound like you’re particularly compatible with each other, you have different priorities, different goals.

When I read your posts, my first thought was “I would be absolutely miserable being with someone like this guy, why is she with him?”

Post # 6
Member
3763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You’ve outgrown this relationship and this is not the man for you. Your goals in life don’t add up…and they aren’t things that should be compromised on. You are young and have everything going for you, but he is holding you back. Your parents probably see that, and that’s likely a big part of why they don’t like him. You can still love someone and care about them and not be right for each other. Do yourself a favor and break up with him.

Post # 7
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

He’s a loser and you are way too ambitious for him.  Break up with him and have a ball building your career and fostering dogs and finding someone better.  He is not worth another moment of your time.

Post # 8
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I usually try to see positives, but you are already one foot out, even if you don’t realise it. You are not even too much “in”, but you are subconsiously planning your “out”. Sorry, but I don’t see you being happy with him. He might be a good person, just not right for you. All what you describe is like constant subdued confrontation. This is absolutely not how a good relationship functions.

At 23 you only begin your adult life. You have your own wishes, interests and plans. Enjoy your life. You don’t need 80 years or so of self-inflicted misery.

Post # 9
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

He’s dragging you down. He wants you to stay put and have no ambition like him. You’re already planning on the eventual break up which is why you want to adopt a dog on your own. Just pull the cord now. You’re young and you have plans and dreams, don’t let him ruin that.

Post # 10
Member
3481 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It’s time to leave, Bee. You have completely outgrown him. Do not let a relationship you started at 19/20 hold you back for the rest of your life. If you stay with him that’s what you’d be doing. 

You’ve got one life to live. Explore, travel! I’m sure he does love you, but he is not good for you. You’ve got so much more to do with your life than stay in your hometown with a server who doesn’t want to move in with you. I’m in no way coming down on restaurant workers or people who stay in their hometowns, but this man clearly is not for you.

Post # 11
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

This whole post makes me want to scream! You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t get stuck with this loser. Move on 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you’re outgrown your boyfriend and this relationship. Dump him, get a dog, get a job anywhere in the world that sounds exciting, and don’t EVER look back.

Post # 13
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You are with a manchild.  He is older but age means nothing and you are more mature than him.  This relationship has run its course seemingly.  As a to-be graduate, you are going to have a plethora of new opportunities awaiting you.  I would prioritize your career rather than a future with him.  

Post # 14
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

Girl, I’ve been there too. This guy sounds like he has no ambition at all. I too am a college graduate but I also know that college isn’t for everyone. However, everyone should have some sort of education whether it be a trade or some type of certification. Union jobs can pay very well and are very lucrative, thus they’re competitive (at least where I’m from)- he should be jumping at any one that he can get. Maybe he’s depressed, maybe he’s not motivated, whichever it is it’s still holding you back and he doesn’t seem to want to change his life either. I don’t suggest moving in with him because I can see you getting a better paying job and him either relying on you financially or putting you down because you make more and playing the victim. You’re very young, you deserve to see what’s out there, not only in terms of relationships but with work. Honestly, you leaving him and going on with your life might help him get his life in check.

Post # 15
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

Pretty much in agreement with PP’s on this one. It’s SO evident that you’re much more mature than your boyfriend at the age of 23 and that you’ve already outgrown him. You’re going to do so much growing and changing over the next few years and it doesn’t sound like he will be doing the same. 

You have ambitions and goals and he is content with life as is. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being content but it’s pretty clear that the way he chooses to live his life does not line up with the way you want to live yours. College is great, but not necessary. My boyfriend didn’t go to college but he knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life and he works his ass off. The fact that your boyfriend didn’t go to college isn’t the problem, it’s the lack of drive to grow and better himself. 

Being with someone who loves animals as much as I do is a non-negotiable for me. My boyfriend and I are crazy animal people and we foster as well. Your boyfriend doesn’t share the same passion for animals that you do and that’ll likely cause resentment in your relationship, especially if you move in together. 

Based on your post, it seems like you’re already detached from the relationship. You seem very aware of the issues. You can’t “change” someone but people can grow, compromise and adapt. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend possesses the same awareness that you do and therefore, he will likely always be this way. He does seem pretty selfish. Selfish does not work in a relationship. You deserve someone who shares the same desires as you. 

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