Doubtful with boyfriend of 3 years

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
839 posts
Busy bee

Its perfectly ok to end a relationship because you don’t have the same goals and values. In fact, most people should do that, rather than stick around desperate to make it work. If I could go back to your age, I would kick the boyfriend I had at the time to the curb (sounds a lot like yours btw), and go LIVE! You seem ambitious and curious……go live in different places, adopt the dog, find yourself! He might be fun, but fun doesn’t ensure longtime happiness. He’s not right for you……go find the one that is!

Post # 32
Member
11174 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

massachu96 :  

Bee,

Your bf lied to your parents about his life plans; a core issue. How do you get more inauthentic than that?

If you can live happily ever after with a guy so lacking in character and who can lie so cavalierly to important people, so be it.  Your choice, your path. At least you are getting some clarity as to what you’re settling for.

Post # 33
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Dating you isn’t a civil right. You are entitled to have standards for your partner that include education, financial stability and growth. This guy is no good for you, bee. 

Post # 34
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

So many people seem to think that your heart is what should determine if you should be with someone or not. Like ”I love him, so even though he punched me, I have to stay with him.”, or ”I love him, so even though we’re not compatible, he’s not ambitions, little things about him annoy me etc, I have to be with him.” NO!!.. 

It’s the other way around. Listen to your heart, but use your head. A marriage is for a life-time. Loving someone is the necessary extra bonus that tips the scales in favor of marriage, when they’re already a perfect person for you on paper. If they’re not the perfect person for you on paper, then leave and your heart will catch up. Otherwise you are signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery. 

By ”perfect person” I don’t mean ”perfect in themselves”, of course we all have faults. I mean compatible with you -> perfect for you as a partner who shares your long-term goals, views on life, ambitions. 

You feel trapped in a relationship with this guy because you love him. And you will also continue to love him for a while and feel very sad when you break up. It’s normal. But it doesn’t mean you should stay with him. Everything you’ve written makes it blatantly clear that you should leave. 

Post # 35
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

missyjz :  Def agree here!  Nothing against food workers, I was one for a little while.  He will continue having low end jobs because he will never do anything about his situation.  TBH being a restaurant worker will not help you financially and money will always be a stuggle.  My 1st bf was this way and I was always having doubts in my head.  I desired to do something more and make more so that money wouldn’t be an issue.  I know now that he is still working those low paying jobs 4 years later.  Rn I’m working my tail off to go back to school for an even better paying job then what I have now.

Post # 36
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

massachu96 :  Ok, I see your problem. You don’t have much family around, may be not too many friends, and this guy is stable and is always around. Plus you love him but have doubts about the future.

First of all YOU love him. It’s all about what he wants. Does he do what YOU want? Sorry, but he sounds childish. Does he love you? Does he want a family? Ok, if he wants a family, who is going to provide when you are looking after a baby? Who is going to help when you are exhausted and need help right now, at 5 am, not at 8am, when he chooses to get up? Has he got any big good qualities, like he is a talented artist or a very active volunteer or something?

May be your man is not that bad. May be he just needs a strong-willed woman who will make him move. The point is your relationship dynamic is not working. It’s not doing anything neither for you, nor for him. Would seeing a psychologist for him be an option? Him not wanting anything at such a young age is a concern in itself.

The fact that you are advancing and he doesn’t and doesn’t want anything better is not good. He may start feeling like a loser compared to you more and more. And start punishing you. He is already punishing you by not supporting your good ambitions. Deep down, he would want to bring you down to feel better about himself. 

If you don’t feel like breaking up – don’t. Just say that you want to explore places and go for such and such city for a couple of years. And state it as your firm wish. If he doens’t want to go, have a LDR. And go, explore the world. You are very young, you will have time to meet other people, other life and re-assess. 

 

 

Post # 38
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee

Girl, no no no! He’s absolutely not “the one”! For better or for worse is about facing any external difficulties as a team, whatever happens outside, the relationship / each other is the safe haven. If the relationship itself or one of the partners is the root cause of issues, then yes you should absolutely move on. 

And yes money absolutely matters. Not that you need a lot of it or need to live lavishly. But you need to both pull your weight financially, be able to manage money sensibly, and be able to afford the basics plus most of the things you want in life, without living hand to mouth pay check to pay check. That’s no way to live. Especially when one person of the couple is the cause of these financial difficulties. In fact finance is one of the major causes of divorces.

One thing I’m grateful for was when I was in my early to mid 20s my dad always made it very clear when he disapproved of my ex’s and explained why, which made sense to my logical side even if I couldn’t walk away immediately, what he said made sense to me and deep down I knew he was right. Looking back, I’m glad he spoke up and was very upfront about it. Your parents are older and wiser and absolutely right about this. Listen to them or you will regret it one day.

We all learn how relationships work as we go and learn about what we want in relationships and in life. That’s perfectly ok. Some people are meant to stay only a period of time in our lives and help us learn about ourselves, they’re not here for forever, and that’s ok. massachu96 :  

Post # 39
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee

Regarding your latest post, I also should add. He’s not a fixer upper project. It’s not up to you to make him a better person or to change him. People don’t fundamentally change. You need to take them as they are and decide if that is for you or not. Learn that early and you’ll waste a lot less time in life on people who are just fundamentally not compatible with you. massachu96 :  

Post # 40
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I understand you so well. When I was very young I thought nobody will ever like me enough and I will be alone forever. Now being older I laugh at my fears. When social networks became the thing, I would contact my old school mates with an opening line “if you remember me”. I was very surprised to get several replies to the tune: “of course I remember you, you are a VIP person for me” . I thought to myself: what? How come I never knew about it? 

My point is I am sure there are men around you who find you very interesting and attractive, may be you just don’t notice. At your age you have the biggest choice. I feel like your boyfriend is really limiting your outlook.

Definitely recommend LDR, and also joining some hobby groups. Moving away and doing what you want without being judged will also improve your self-esteem. Start noticing how others treat you. I can tell you are smart and caring, lots of men are looking for this in a woman. I asked my fiance what he likes best about me, and he said kindness. You don’t even have to do much. Just start participating in more social activities, gatherings, etc. 

I also recommend reading “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood. It will help you see if he really loves you. And learning about socionics. You will see that for each type of people there is somebody who is looking for precisely the qualities they have. My ex was the reason I found the book I recommend. My fiance is perfectly compatible with me. After the hard years with the ex I still find it hard to believe how somebody can just like me for what I am. I can just BE, you know, live my life, and still make somebody happy by this mere fact. 

Post # 41
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My husband had to drop out of university (he lived overseas) due to financial issues, and had to work a minimum wage job for a few years. He was 27.

When he moved to be here, he went back to school (community college) after a year and is looking to get a slightly better-paying job in the meantime. I’m about to transfer this semester, and will likely be on the fast track toward my degree from then on, so I’ve accepted that I’ll be the breadwinner for a few years. He shows drive and that’s what is important to me.

It’s not having a degree that largely bothers you, but the fact that your boyfriend shows no drive to make the necessary steps toward a better life. At this point, it’d be better to find someone with more ambition. 

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