Post # 1
I’m not really sure what I am looking for here. I was curious if anyone else has been in the same situation and what they did.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married now only 2 months. Our entire relationship I feel like I have always been waiting for the next step…hoping we would move in together, wanting to buy a house, wishing he would propose, and the entire time I don’t think I ever asked myself, why is he amazing for me, i think i was more so always asking “why am I not good enough”…which i think a lot of women do when they are waiting for an engagement ring. Our relationship is good. We don’t really fight, but I also just don’t thnk there is a ton of passion. I felt this way for a few months before we got married. Our time together during the week is usually either watching TV shows and going out for dinner, and I can’t imagine how boring my life will be once we retire. As well, I think about the lack of real connection, and how once we have children our lives will be completely strained. We are friends. We have sex weekly…but it isn’t the passionate sex we had when we first met, more of a routine…. and I’m left wondering, do we make eachother better people?
I started talking to another man a few months before we got married (no cheating), but we have developed a frienship, and I see in him a person that I really wish that i had waited for…passionate about life, wanting to try new things, makes me laugh, and just has this positive energy. Perhaps just opened my eyes to what else there could be….
I feel conflicted. I’m now 29 years old, and I can’t help feeling like I made a mistake getting married.
Post # 2
annonymousbee222 : Are you still in contact with this other man? Emotional cheating is the same thing as cheating, btw. What I mean is that by nurturing an emotional or psychological attachment to a man besides your husband, if it goes beyond friendship and is a secret to your husband, can be considered cheating.
You’re comparing your husband to another man and your husband is suffering by comparison. Does your husband know about him and how you’re feeling about all this?
Post # 3
I know emotional cheating is wrong. I just wanted to know if anyone else has felt the same way after getting married.
Post # 4
You know your husband and live with him. Of course life will become “boring” in comparison to someone new that you see only so often. You need to ask yourself if you truly love your husband. If yes, stop contact with the other man. You are in cheating territory for sure, and it sounds like you are trying to justify your feelings for the new man by saying your husband bores you. That is not fair and not right.
Post # 5
Im sorry you are feeling this way, bee 🙁
I think you can work on this if you try and build your relationship with your husband. Try something new together, create new expereinces. You CHOSE this man to be your husband, dont give up on him!
Post # 6
I think best case scenario you are having some grass is greener syndrome, which is not uncommon and definitely can be overcome. You say this other man you’ve been talking to makes you laugh and you wish you’d waited for something like that. But in the previous paragraph, you mention that you and your now-husband used to have passionate sex when you were first together. Don’t you think it’s possible that if you actually could be with this other man, after a number of years together things would become routine with him too?
In the worst case scenario, you and your new husband simply are incompatible and in staying married to him, you’re condemning yourself to a passionless life of boredom and misery. But I think you owe it to your husband and your new marriage to do some real soul searching and make a true effort to revive the spark before you just give up and fall into the arms of the first guy who makes you laugh.
I would suggest having a candid but non accusatory chat with your husband about how you’re feeling (do not mention the other man!). Did you do fun things when you were first together? I mean honestly, sitting at home watching tv shows and going out to dinner doesn’t sound that bad to me…that sounds pretty typical of most long term relationships, but it sounds like the real issue is you don’t feel connected to your husband. So you need to try to rebuild the connection…through talking together about it, and potentially through marriage counseling.
Post # 7
annonymousbee222 : I second everything Sunfire has said. As someone who was cheated on both emotionally and physically, the emotional cheating actually stung quite a bit more as it felt like my partner (now ex) was more interested in sharing with this other person than with me.
By all means have friendships! But if one relationship puts a strain on your marriage (even just through comparison) it’s time to reflect. Did you feel the same way about your husband, that you currently feel about this other man, when you met? Before you two “settled down” (which happens with every relationship) was he someone that was passionate about life?
If he was and you are too perhaps as a first step, try to initiate new experiences. I recently began taking Zumba classes again and Fiance decided to come with me (yes! 🙂 ) and we’ve really bonded over the experience.
Wishing you luck!
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2017 - Living Desert Zoo and Gardens
Of course other people have felt the same way, that doesn’t make it right.
You need to cut off the other man because it’s just going to sour your marriage, and work on reigniting the spark with your husband. It’s natural to lose that after years together like you have had, but chasing after other guys and looking for the passion with them will only start the same pattern. You just see passion and positive energy with the new guy because he’s new. I’d suggest sitting down with your husband and finding a new adventure to plan; could just be a weekend away or a day trip, but look for ways to have new experiences together.
Post # 9
annonymousbee222 : Yes. I went through exactly this. I know a lot of the others are saying some unpleasent things because yeah, it’s not the nicest thing to do but people change and they do end up in situations they did not imagine they would be in. I digress, I was with a man for a few years before we got married. He was nice to me and things were relatively smooth. I married him thinking “well this is as good as it gets for me.” As soon as we were married, I knew I made a mistake…that gut feeling kicked in. Save for a long story short, he moved out shortly after the wedding and we were divorced before our first year of marriage. People make mistakes, on both sides sometimes. It’s better to make up your mind and let him go now, then to drag it out into years (and possibly with kids). I found that I was much happier, and I DID find the person I was really supposed to be with. Good luck in your decision!
Post # 10
All relationships become more comfortable over time. Stop what you’re doing with this other guy and put that energy into yourself and your relationship. Plan to try something new for yourself first–whether it’s a hike or a cooking or exercise class or even a new haircut. Learn a new language. Who do you want to be when you’re retired, with or without your husband, and how do you get there? It’s nobody else’s job to keep you challenged or entertained but yours.
Then plan something with your DH–a new restaurant? A daily walk? A weekend trip? And keep doing it. Ask him to come up with some ideas for new things as well. He may resist at first, people are sometimes hesitant to break habits–it doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in you. Surprise him. Surprise yourself.
If you had shared that you’d never had passion in your relationship I would be concerned for you. But you did. And while it will never be the same as that early relationship excitement you can find passion again (key point–you’re enjoying honeymoon period excitement with this other guy–funny how that wanes when you find out they just won’t put the toilet seat down and stop worrying about their nose hair so much.) That green grass is rarely greener. Try to remember the reasons you chose him as your husband and celebrate those things in your relationship. It’s highly unlikely any one person will fulfill all your needs throughout your life–there are plenty of things you can enjoy with your friends without taking away from your marriage.
If after another couple of months or so you are still struggling please see a therapist for some support before throwing your marriage away.
Post # 11
It sounds like you need to remember that love is a verb, that marriage takes effort, and that passion comes and goes and is not the #1 most important aspect of a relationship. It really sounds like you’re not putting in the energy you seek in return. You expect everything FROM your partner. Do you reciprocate? Suggest something more fun for date night, try something new in the bedroom, and so on. If you’re bored, talk about your feelings, discuss what you can do together, and CHANGE it. You’re going to run in to “shiny new” men who make you think the grass is greener. Take your vows seriously. It saddens me to think that this has caused you doubt mearly 2 months after you promised yourself to him. Why did you marry him in the first place?
I’m like you and have been with my husband for 6 years, married two months. It still feels like we’re in the honeymoon period even after all these years, but we’ve matured and grown together. Passion has ebbed and flowed, but we put in the effort to have fun, switch things up, and challenge each other. If one of us feels like we’re getting into a rut, we’ll say “maybe we should go away next weekend” or “I found this cool restaurant a few towns over” and so on.
Post # 12
annonymousbee222 : So you’re bored with watching TV and dinner dates, and you’re bored with the sex you’re having. What are you doing to change those things? Your marriage has two people in it, if you’re not satisfied then find the momentum to spice shit up…and maybe take a step back from the new friend/shiny object you’re projecting your escapist fantasy onto.
Post # 13
I’ve asked to take cooking classes together, salsa lessons etc etc. If it something that he’s interested in, I will do it (going to see football games), if it’s something only i’m interested in, he wont. that bothers me. and yes…obviously i have talked about it.
I just don’t really see the point of going for counselling etc and waiting years, since we aren’t getting any younger.
when we got together I was only 21/22, and in that time I have completed school, have a career and am completely capable of being independent. I think I have changed a lot and never really noticed because I was distracted by the idea of an engagement, that our lives had not changed in tandem.
We are both good people. but I don’t think we make eachother better people…which i think is one of the most important parts of a marriage.
Post # 14
Marriage is about committing yourself to someone and working at it. Of course after six years things may become a little dull.
Do u want the fun/excitement of dating or a marriage? Work at what you have; find a way to make it fun and exciting again.
Post # 15
“I just don’t really see the point of going for counselling etc and waiting years, since we aren’t getting any younger.”
I can’t believe that a mere two months ago you thought it was a good idea to make lifelong vows to this person, and now, even though nothing has changed, no new information about your spouse has presented itself, you’re so convinced it’s over that you won’t even try the last-ditch resort of counseling? I really am at a loss.
I could understand if there was infidelity or abuse, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Why the hell did you marry this guy two months ago if this is how you feel about the relationship?