Post # 16
Yes, a lot of people have been where you are. I’m not judging you. But bringing another man into the mix of your marriage is playing with fire. Would you like it if your husband was comparing sparks with another woman to how he feels for you?
If you feel you married the wrong person then be honest with him about it. Cut off contact with this other guy and if he’s the right one for you he’ll wait until you sort out your marriage. There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake in marrying the wrong person. Just do the right thing from this point forward if you feel your relationship can’t be salvaged through counseling or working together.
It’s normal to feel somewhat bored at times with any relationship once the new wears off, it’s human nature. If you still love your husband and want to stay with him then work on improving yourself instead of getting involved with another man who may cause harm to your marriage or even to you.
Post # 17
First of all, the stuff with the other dude. Stop that. Its a big part in why you are having these feelings. And guess what, even if you would have left your husband for this other guy you would end up in exactly the same spot. Passion doesn’t last forever, it’s waxes and wanes over the years.
To me, I think it sounds like you don’t really care about your marriage and have already given up at this point. You yourself said you have a habit of always looking foward to the next thing (moving in, getting married, etc) and now you’re doing the same thing by looking forward to being with someone else and experiencing something new. A marriage takes work, it isn’t always fun and excitement and passion. Sometimes its binge watching TV shows on netflix and going out to Applebee’s because you’re too tired to cook.
I imagine nothing we say will really change your mind at this point since you’ve already mentally checked out but maybe stop to consider the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it and sister, you ain’t been doing your gardening.
Post # 18
Step back from new guy. I think I understand where you’re coming from. On one hand you have a real relationship that you’ve just made life-long vows to protect. You’ve dealt with hard topics, and now that the wedding’s behind you you’re not sure what’s next. On the other hand you have the illusion of possibility, and the beginning of infatuation. You haven’t had to deal with the sticky parts of life or learn the bad things about New Guy, so you’re probably over-idealizing what he represents.
You just made a life-long commitment to your husband. I think you owe it to yourself and your relationship to cut ties completely with New Guy and make an appointment with a therapist who can help you sort through your feelings before you blow up your life and hurt your husband.
I hope you’ll be able to reconnect with your husband, either by yourselves or with the help of a couples’ therapist. Even if that doesn’t end up happening, you owe it to yourself and your husband to behave with dignity and respect – and that involves ending the flirtation with New Guy and moving forward with a clear head.
Post # 19
I agree with a lot of the PPs and second their suggestions. I would like to add that when I find myself feeling negatively toward my husband, I have a tendency to spiral and overanalyze. Sometimes it also takes a conscious effort to focus on all of the positives. Take time to really list out everything that made you fall in love with your husband.
My mom gave me advice before my marriage of before your wedding, open your eyes. After your wedding, shut them. Obviously this doesn’t mean put blinders on to abuse or addiction, but it’s meant to mean that the evaluation period was before the marriage, and you shouldn’t focus on the negatives once you’re married.
Post # 20
The time to decide you didn’t want to be married was 2 months ago. That time has passed. You’re an adult – figure things out with your husband.
Post # 21
If you know he isn’t into cooking or dancing take those classes with your friends. Try to find something you’d both enjoy–ziplining? Wine/scotch/beer tasting? Amusement park? Exploring a new city?
You don’t have to have everything in common to help make each other better people. How do you support him in his goals? Sometimes it’s not about what you’re doing together, sometimes it’s taking turns holding down the fort so you can each pursue your dreams.
Not interested in couples’ counseling? Go by yourself. Ending a marriage is no small decision. This new guy sounds like just a symptom of your discontent. Cut him out and make your decisions based upon you and your husband and not a third party. Anyone can seem fun and attractive for a little while. Figure out your own shit now or you may just find yourself with a different guy but in the exact same place a few years from now.
Post # 22
for all those asking why i got married…I assumed that I was having cold feet and that the feelings would pass.
Post # 23
I think it seems like you’ve already checked out of this relationship. You dismiss therapy with a wave of the hand because…it could take a while?! What?! I get what you’re saying about how you never stopped to think if this guy was really right for you, but you’ve put 6 years into this relationship already. You don’t think you owe it to yourself and your husband to see if you can work this out?
Post # 24
My life with my husband many would consider “boring” and “routine”. Honestly we are perfectly content staying at home and hanging out. I will read him posts from on here sometimes and we will talk about it. We play board games together. We sometimes just hang out and read our books on the couch at the same time. It is far from the passion we had when we first got together, but that’s ok. Our relationship has grown into a different phase. We understand there will be times when we don’t feel that burning passion for each other and that is ok. Our life is routine, but we choose to spend that routine with each other.
I have to wonder though if your situation is different. It sounds like compatability may not necessarily be there, and compatibility is the most important thing. You need to work well together and understand each other. You talking to this other guy isn’t doing you any favors.
It’s time to either choose to fix your marriage or move on and get an annulment.
Post # 25
Jesus, I feel bad for your husband. Imagine getting served divorce papers after less than a year because your wife decided you were suddenly too boring and she doesn’t want to put in the effort for any kind of couples counseling.
Good luck chasing the next shiny object, and good luck developing the attention span for a marriage. You’re going to have a hell of a time finding that perpetual fireworks show you’re expecting.
Post # 26
annonymousbee222 : I wanted to add in here that I actually think there is a good chance that you are seeing these “ideal” qualities in that other man because of falling out of love with your now husband…and maybe not the other way around.
However, you are settting yourself up to have an affair. And that will cause incomprehensible pain to your husband who probably has no real idea that you don’t love him anymore (which you don’t–let’s just be honest). You can either try to save your marriage and keep your vows and try to fall in love with your husband again. Or you can divorce him. Then pursue other men. Don’t throw that in there right now. if you ever loved your husband and care for his feelings at all, do not make an affair be part of the process.
I really suggest this book for you — Suviving an Affair. (willard harley) It’s my go-to at the moment. Not only will it help you see what you’re feeling and actually acknowledge why you’re tempted to stray or will likely be if you stay married, but it will help you understand why your feelings and attachment to this other man are so risky and will be so hurtful. It will also give you some clear steps to help you rebuild your marriage and how to affair-proof it so that you both have your needs met. Or it will help you decide to leave him.
Post # 27
PPs have already said pretty much anything I would have, so I’ll just say this:
The grass is greener where you water it.
Post # 28
To me, this sounds like a classic case of “Grass is Greener” syndrome. Sometimes, I have similar feelings about my boyfriend just because we are so structured and planned. I cook dinners on weeknights and breakfast on weekends. We take walks and go hiking and we watch some tv. Sometimes I see couples who “party” together and I’m jealous. But then I remember how stable and grouded my relationship is. Usually all it takes is a spontaneous weekend trip or one of those dates where you get dressed up for no reason. To me, it sounds like you need to add more spice to things. There’s nothing wrong with having a routine, you’re just getting bored.
I’m not married, so I know my situation is a lot different. I hope you figure things out Bee 🙂
Post # 29
I don’t feel this way about my own marriage, but I can relate somewhat from prior relationships that ran their course or where we just were not compatible in the long run (but that is also why they did not turn into marriages…)
If you are done, you are done. It sounds like are done. It sounds to me like you never should have got married in first place, but that too is done, and now you have to deal with that whichever way you go.
I will say I do find it sad that you felt this way a few months before you married, married him anyway, and now “don’t see point of going to counseling”. A lot of time wasted for you AND him, and emotions played with, in not seeking out help in first place, but the fact you don’t even see point when you made such a significant commitment two months ago and I imagine exchanged some promises for the future, tells me you have made your mind up. Even so, if you do not do it for purposes of staying together, do it for purposes of sorting through your feelings and actions.
As a future note: when there are amazing sparks at the start, people need to put in effort to maintain connection where there are busy lives, life stressors. Connections need to be nourished and maintained, not rely on magic.
You definitely need to limit things with this other man though. I think it is preventing you from thinking clearly right now, colouring things, and I think the last thing you need to be doing is tempting an affair or a rebound relationship.
Post # 30
#1 – stop talking to the other man as much as possible. Just stop. Of course your feelings for your husband will go out a window if you open one up to another person. We are not animals, and as human beings choose to stay or leave our partners based on more than hormones, instincts, and other feelings of the moment. Close that window, and keep the energy IN the relationship.
#2 – just because your H doesn’t want to go to salsa lessons doesn’t mean you can’t go – and missing you might motivate him to go. Also, couples benefit from healthy time apart and having their own interests. And honestly, I see nothing wrong with sitting on a couch with a man you love after a long day. Boring? Maybe, but I find it comforting. We also got together very young and have both grown during our time together. There is no reason to feel you must do everything together or not at all. Go take that cooking class. Healthy interaction outside the home will let you bring that energy back in.
I think what you are describing now started as cold feet and now is a let down after the hoopla of a wedding. My H even said after we both returned to work he was sad that now that we were married, not about to get married, “nothing was setting us apart” from everyone anymore. Basically, even though he didn’t want the attention and stress of a wedding, he felt like Christmas was over when we got back. YouDID choose to marry this guy. And that includes exciting times and boring ones.