Post # 31
I think you need to try absolutely everything before leaving him. Because there definitely is shame in marrying somebody only to decide two months later that they are too boring for you. Imagine how hurt you’d be to find yourself in your husband’s shoes???
Try new things yourself, invovle him where you can and remember that life really isn’t always magical and emoitional and incredible.
Post # 32
although i agree wiht most of what everyone is saying…
shame is a really stupid reason to stay with someone
Post # 33
when I found my home life boring I realised that it was because I’d got boring and was expecting my husband to entertain me but actually what I needed to do was get my own interests and hobbies (we’d move to a new town and I’d not realised how much I’d stopped doing things), some of which ended up being with my husband but most of them aren’t. But I really look forward to going home and talking to my husband about the interesting things I’ve been doing. Maybe give yourself sometime to see what it is that’s boring you, is it your husband or is it that you are sitting watching TV in the evenings etc? Is your sex life boring because your husband is boring in bed or because you’ve both stopped trying to make it interesting? Etc
You may have made a mistake marrying him or you may just be discovering that adulthood gets dull quite quickly if you don’t stay on top of it.
Post # 34
you may have made a mistake, maybe you didn’t. There’s no cut and dry answer. It does sound like you are bored with the tv nights- That’s you and me both. We just bought a house, moved out of the city and it’s so quiet, I’m a stay at home wife- mostly.
I was just thinking of some things we could do to stir things up a bit. Sometimes we’ve gotten dresses up to get me out of the at home stretch pants and t shirts and just go out for some ice cream and people watch. In my city that’s excitment in itself, lots to see.
I’d maybe just start with looking into something exciting to do with your husband, you said you’ve been together for 6 years so it’s been a little while. When I first married my husband we hadn’t even known each other 2 years yet and there were times I got bored. Just take it one step at a time, don’t get in a big rush to judge your marriage just yet IMO. As for this other man, I have lots of male friends. I personally don’t consider conversing with another man any kind of cheating. As long as it’s just that. But I would keep this new guy at arms length during this time when you may feel uncertain and confused.
Post # 35
I don’t mean this as a personal attack, but I am getting the impression that the OP is already set on leaving. Are you open to staying to work things out, or were you hoping to find validation of your decision to leave?
Post # 36
I’m going to dissent a bit from PP aside from agreeing that you shouldn’t be talking to this other man while you are married.
That aside, you brought up something that doesn’t seem like boredom, but more like purpose.
You don’t feel there’s a common purpose and relationship binding you two together that helps you be a better person. Thats’s a big deal to people who want that, and so I’m not going to diminish it.
I’m not saying you should give up on your marriage, because I don’t agree with that until you’ve tried everything to fix it, including counseling. But don’t blow off your deeper self – which is not to say this man. Forget him. Attend to who you are now and what you value in life. See where that takes you and if your husband is actually a part of that journey. You never know, he might be.
Post # 37
Shame isn’t supposed to be a reason for staying, it’s a reason to stop the emotional cheating. The vows you just took
are the reason to at least attempt to stay.
Post # 38
I didn’t hear a lot of people suggesting you should stay in your marriage because it would be shameful to leave. I did read a lot of posts stating that the excitement you seem to be attracted to is fleeting and continuing your involvement with another man isn’t going to help you make sound decisions for yourself or your marriage right now.
You don’t seem interested in making an effort to understand how you got to where you are right now and what you really need to do to get to where you want to be. While others may inspire and support nobody else can make you a better person. Only you can do that. That desire and effort has to come from within you and any failure to do so, regardless of who you are or are not married to, is yours alone.
If you’d come to the Bee with these doubts a few months ago I’m sure many or most of us would have suggested postponing your wedding. But that ship has sailed and despite your doubts you have made a commitment to your husband. Nobody is suggesting that means you have to remain in this marriage forever but you haven’t provided any reason (aside from this other guy) for why you shouldn’t at least take a little bit of time to try to work through the issues before filing for divorce.
As I stated previously–take the time to figure out your own shit. Will a few more months really make that much of a difference if you’re actually working toward something in that time:
-greater understanding of who you are
-your role in this situation
-what you ultimately want out of life
-what type of person you want to share that life with and
-how to best move forward?
If you don’t feel you owe your husband that don’t you owe it to yourself?
Post # 39
I do agree that guilt is no reason to stay with somebody. Just pointing out that marriage is a rather big commitment… one that shouldn’t just be walked away from, without even trying. But if you know in your heart that you have made a mistake then leave… just understand that you will definitely be causing a lot of pain. And don’t do it again. Because the thrill with the new guy will probably wear off too.
Post # 40
I don’t see anyone saying you should stay with him out of shame. People are saying that based on the info you’ve provided it doesn’t seem like you’ve tried to make this work or fought for your marriage. It’s been two months! The advice you’re getting is to honor your vows by at least trying. Instead you’re saying, “well we’re not getting any younger.” You’re not even 30 (if my math is right) and youve been married TWO MONTHS. Put in some actual effort through counseling, communication, and some soul searching…then walk away if it’s still not improving.
Post # 41
As far as the other guy goes- grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Post # 42
Yikes Bee this is a real problem. This low level of dissatisfaction with everything you do and everywhere you are, always aspiring to be/do something else, something MORE…it’s never enough, is it? You’re a girlfriend and you can’t be happy, you think you’ll be happy when you’re a live-in girlfriend. But once you’re a live-in gf you’re not happy either so you think it must be because you’ll be happy once you’re engaged. But once you’re engaged you realize you’re still not happy and surely that’ll come when you’re married right? But once you’re married…oh shit…you’re at the summit, what now? So your mind jumps to the conclusion that if you’ve conquered this mountain and the summit wasn’t ‘good enough,’ it must be that the mountain is inadequate – find another mountain with a harder summit to climb.
No. My dear Bee, you really need to learn BE WHERE YOU ARE. And to question that nagging feeling of dissatisfaction, of never enough. Why is NOTHING ever enough for you? Why is NO ONE ever enough for you? The problem is not outside of you. The problem is not your husband, or the new guy (he’ll be conquered and you still won’t be happy), or ANY guy. The problem is inside of you. That’s good news! It means YOU have the power to heal it. Now I don’t know if you will or won’t, but I would suggest you start looking deep within yourself to find that it’s already ‘enough’, that YOU are already interesting/pretty/successful/smart/whatever enough and you can now RELAX and just be. No effort required. Soooo…Zen Buddhism? Vipassana Meditation? Transcendental individual counseling? Yin yoga? All of the above? I won’t insult your intelligence, you can do the research yourself and find whatever fits you best but fix the root cause Bee and not the symptom.
Post # 43
I think as you are 29 years old you’re just at that stage where you question your life just before you hit the next decade. Hopefully it will pass after you reach 30 years old.
Post # 44
At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right for you. And if you’re already set on ending it you might as well do it sooner rather than later so that your DH can get his life back. No, shame is not a reason to stay but respect for someone and the vows you made to them should warrant at least a pause to stop and think about your husband for a sec.
That said: have you looked into pursuing your own interests, unrelated to your marriage (and not the other guy, he doesn’t count and you should nip that immediately in the bud)? You sound bored. Why don’t you go do stuff you want to do, and then if your DH sees that you’re having fun without him, perhaps he will be more inclined to join. Or, perhaps his lack of motivation is because he senses that his new wife is mentally checked out and/or is interested in something (single life) or someone (that guy) else…even if he doesn’t know for sure.
I’m frustrated with your post so I’m not sure if my answer is making sense. Out of kindness for your husband, based on what I’m perceiving as your current mindset on the situation, you need to give him his life back and let him find someone who can be excited to come home to him each day. If you’re not willing to even work on it because you’re not getting any younger (poor logic, by the way; no one is ever getting any younger so why do anything), then it’s probably unsalvagable at this point.
Post # 45
I think you’ve already made your decision, you should close the thread.