Post # 46
You are almost 30 years old and were too excited about a wedding that lasts one day to realize you don’t really love this man or want to be with him? Wow. You need to grow up, OP. Marriage is a big committment, you take a vow for LIFE, and two months in you already are emotionally cheating? Your poor husband. When you love someone, even boring things are fun. Life isn’t always exciting ALL THE TIME. Really doesn’t sound like you love him.
Imagine the outrage if a man got on here and complained after two months of marriage that his wife was too boring and he was starting to fall for someone more”exciting”
Post # 47
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
If you don’t want to work on your marriage, if you already have your coat on and a foot out of the door, then go. Your husband deserves to be with someone who is with him because they want to be, not because staying doesn’t rock the boat. If you love your husband and want to be married to him and can look back on the vows you took and know you actually meant the words you said, go to counseling and focus on fixing your marriage.
Counseling won’t help if you truly do not want to save your marriage and repair your relationship. A counselor cannot make you love your husband or value your relationship. You need to decide how you feel about things and reach a decision, sooner rather than later.
Post # 48
While I have never felt the same way and I am not married yet, I can still see where you are coming from. I think people get caught up in the “next steps” in life, and they dont take the time to stop and think if its really right for them, or if they just want to take this next step because people expect them to or because they honestly want to.
I think this really all depends on how long you have been having these feelings. Have you always felt this way and forced the relationship, or have you just recently began to feel this way? I have heard (once again, not married so take that for what it is) that the first year of marriage is really hard because people kind of stop having things to look forward to. You plan the wedding, you get caught up in it, then its just nothing, and you have to learn a new normal. If this is a new feeling, I think you should just talk to your DH and let him know you have been feeling down and like he doesnt take an interest in the things you like.
If you have always had these feelings, I would take personal counseling and try to figure out what will make you happy with your life and ways to stand up for what you really want. Another person, whether your husband or a new guy, cannot make you happy if you dont know what you want first.
Post # 49
I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. I really empathize with you, and I want to remind you to be kind to yourself and know that you’ll be ok no matter what. My divorce is almost finalized with my STBX…. who was abusive and has some mental issues, which isn’t the same, but we are VERY incompatible and honestly most days I’m really thankful for all the craziness he put me through because it made me feel validated to leave him.
I also knew I shouldn’t have married him, and regretted it a few months after we got married. We were a good “college” couple (despite the fighting and the lies etc) but when we got married I realized we had nothing in common, we never did. We can’t have a conversation, it’s all about watching TV (different shows at the same time), eating, more TV, more eating…. never talking, nothing in common. And with his hygiene issues, lies, other issues I just found him to be disgusting. The grass IS greener on the other side sometimes, actually.
Of course I don’t think anyone here will say that you should be flirting with this other guy who you like better than your husband, and of course I do encourage you to attempt marraige counseling as it’s common to be attracted to people you’re not married to, but it’s how you handle it. Yes, the situation you’re in sucks and I agree with what everyone’s saying but unless you’ve been in that situation it’s hard to imagine the pain and icky feeling in your gut you’re feeling. I’ve felt it. And I will say that even if your relationship is really bad, with incompatibility AND abuse… I’ve still thought about whether I’m doing the right thing. It’s a big decision, and definitely not one to be made lightly.
As I’ve heard told to other women in your situation… you can’t “decide” between this other guy and your husband. The other guy needs to be out of the picture, regardless. You should try marriage counseling at least, and see what’s lacking in your relationship and how you can work on it. However… I will say that you can’t create something that was never there and ask him to be someone he’s not… that’s to the point that I got with my ex. We were so incompatible that I couldn’t stand anything about him and became very critical and negative and tried to “change” him to a person I could tolerate, but that obviously isn’t fair and didn’t work (to be fair, some of these changes were not being pathologically lazy, irresponsible, childish, and disgusting. And abusive. I digress. Try counseling, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling regret about your marriage. That’s an awful thing to feel.
Post # 50
Bee, good for you for recognizing this now and not in a few years after you have had kids.
after you get married its should be the most exciting and fulfilling time of your life. Having children will only make it harder (why the normal age people get divorced is when they have young children)
A lot of women on these threads find their identity through their husbands and their relationships… So I have a feeling views are skewed.
All I can say is, good for you – self actualization is something to be proud of. Find someone who makes you excited to wake up beside everyday, gives you a passion for life, and most of all, challenges you. I know so many women who are blinded by the idea of getting engaged they forget about having a powerful amazing relationship
Post # 51
Good for her for marrying a man, pledging to be with him for life, and then wanting to dump him after 2 months of marriage? This is why there’s such a high divorce rate. No, not good for OP for going ahead and marrying this poor man when she doesn’t even love him. The time to get out was BEFORE the wedding, not after making a committment and now breaking the man’s heart because he isn’t exciting
enough. And we can excuse her because she was just too excited about getting engaged & having a wedding? Bull. That’s immaturity. People like that are always chasing for something else, and they will never
be happy. I don’t think taking a marriage vow seriously means your identity is in your husband. Would you feel the same way if this was a man saying these things? He just can’t take his boring wife anymore and he wants someone new & exciting. I’m sure that would go over great.
Post # 52
bingo. Exactly what I was thinking.
Post # 53
I think this is some sort of emotional cheating & grass is greener syndrome. Remember all the reasons you married you’re husband in the first place. Judging by you’re update seems like you were never really happy with the relationship?
Post # 55
“A lot of women on these threads find their identity through their husbands and their relationships… So I have a feeling views are skewed.”
Obviously you haven’t been around long enough to know ANYTHING about the women on these threads.
Post # 56
My identity has zero to do with my husband, and he knows it. That does not mean he is not a HUGE part of my life but…if you’re not complete on your own, you’ll be fucked trying to complete yourself through another. And I think a TON, most, women on this site understand this and live by it.
Post # 57
People think I am being flippant and caught up in “one magical day” , which isn’t the case at all.
As I said, when we first got together I was still in school, and at point A of my life, my boyfriend at the time was successful, had a good job, owned a house and at point B. Fast forward 6 years, I feel like I am now at point D in my life and he is still back at B. I was always the one in pursuit and never had the opportunity to really think and ask why he was such an amazing person, and more so an amazing person for me.
I had feelings of doubt a few months before but attributed it to being cold feet. Why would I want to tell my fiance a month before the wedding I was having doubts, and potentially ruin everything, if in fact it was nothing, since cold feet are so common. I think people forget that prior to getting married you have hundreds of people talking in your ear about the wedding, and preparing events. I didn’t want to call everything off, after spending 30K+ on our wedding and 20K on our honeymoon, if it was just a fleeting feeling, and potentially ruin our lives.
This wasn’t meant to be a point of attack, I wanted to find out if there are other Bees this has happened to and how they dealt.
Fast forward a few months, I still feel the same way.
For those who have asked, yes I do have lots of hobbies, I am a competitive runner and coach track, go to the gym 6 times a week, yoga, and hang out with my friends a ton.
Post # 58
First, I want to say that I sympathize with you. I remember having similar thoughts when I was with my college boyfriend (from age 19 to 27): Why am I not good enough? Why does he not want to marry me? Fortunately we never did get married, and the relationship gave me a lot of clarity about what I was looking for; just 2.5 years later, I married DH instead.
That said, post-wedding depression is actually a thing; you’ve spent so much time planning for this one big event, and it’s easy to feel somewhat at a loss when it’s finally over. (I’m not speaking from experience here—I was just exhausted and relieved that it was done—but plenty of other people have described it.)
I wouldn’t be hasty about ending the marriage. First see if you can overcome the boredom in your own life. Sign up for those salsa and cooking classes by yourself, make a list of your goals and start working towards them, etc. I love the site dayzeroproject for personal goal-setting.
You don’t have to wait years, but I do think you could give it six months. Try counselling for a little while. See if you can become happier in your own life. Avoid contact with the other guy. Relationships do fail, and I don’t think you have to be ashamed of that. But I do think you’ll feel better in the future if you can look back and say that you gave it an honest try rather than giving up at the first sign of difficulty.
Post # 59
I have a sincere question so please take this as me trying to be understanding–text doesn’t always convey that very well.
You say you never had the chance to step back and try to figure out if he was THE ONE. Right? Okay…so I’ll take your word for that. You didn’t have the chance. But my question then, is why didn’t you have the chance? Why couldn’t you think about it when you two first discussed marriage, or after he proposed? If you were having cold feet you didn’t have to cancel the wedding “and ruin your lives,” but you could have talked to him at least right? It’s still going to go down the drain now, if you leave, because now you’re 50k in the hole from your wedding/honeymoon, and now add the cost of divorce (just the financial cost, not even emotional). So for all that, I am sincerely asking: why was there no chance to assess this before, what prevented you from actually thinking about it?
Post # 60
Exactly….marriage is a big thing, and I find it super hard to understand why someone didn’t really make sure the person they were marrying was the one for them or not…It’s not always where you sit down and think about it for a long time, but if someone is already not happy in their relationship, why get engaged? And what is the difference cancelling a wedding and being out of the hole, and now being divorced a few months later? The wedding & honeymoon doesn’t mean anything either if you divorce? You should have discussed it with him. Were you ever at all happy with this man? If you were, and if you think you ever loved him, you need to give it a chance. 2 months is not a long time at all.