(Closed) doubts 2 months after wedding.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think people forget that prior to getting married you have hundreds of people talking in your ear about the wedding, and preparing events.  I didn’t want to call everything off, after spending 30K+ on our wedding and 20K on our honeymoon, if it was just a fleeting feeling, and potentially ruin our lives. 

First off you’re on the Weddingbee…I doubt anyone here has forgotten what it’s like to be planning a wedding! Second, you have now spent the $50k, not to mention made vows, so okay, maybe you’re sure it’s not just a fleeting feeling two months in, but even so, why not work on repairing the marriage? Why not at least, as a pp suggested, give it six months and go to counseling? 

If this is truly irreparable, then you should do yourself and your husband a favor and leave, but it just seems like you’re giving up so easily. What strikes me and many others from your posts is that you have this habit for years now of always looking forward to the next thing. Seriously, read what you wrote: “I was always the one in pursuit and never had the opportunity to really think and ask why he was such an amazing person, and more so an amazing person for me.”

You need to figure out why you were so focused on the pursuit, for SIX YEARS, that you never gave yourself the opportunity to ponder whether this guy is really the one for you (and I say “gave yourself” because this is something you have to do YOURSELF, you dont’ just sit back and wait for an “opportunity” like this to land in your lap, you make it happen!).

This is a really unhealthy pattern…being so focused on the next milestone that you don’t take time to look at your life as it is, and to enjoy your life as it is in the present. And it’s a pattern you need to break, I think, before you can ever really find contentment, both with yourself and in any relationship.

 

Post # 62
Member
6936 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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annonymousbee222 :  “I had feelings of doubt a few months before but attributed it to being cold feet.  Why would I want to tell my fiance a month before the wedding I was having doubts, and potentially ruin everything, if in fact it was nothing, since cold feet are so common.”

I get that you didn’t want to unnecessarily worry him, but I think this highlights one of the bigger issues here: communication! My husband and I talk about everything, just as we did before we were married. I had some wedding jitters as well and, even though I felt like a failure at the time and was super embarrassed, I talked to him about them. We are partners. We’re a team. 

My point is that when something scary or embarrassing or whatever comes up, we still always talk to each other about it. Keeping everything bottled up inside doesn’t help anything. Communication is so so sooooo important. And here you are, having all these doubts about your future again, and you’re sitting on the internet talking to a bunch of strangers about it as opposed to your husband. 

 

Post # 63
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I sympathize with you and don’t think you are a bad person for having these feelings.  But I do think the problem may be within you.  I think you should try counseling on your own, not with DH.  Give it six months.  I think it would be really helpful.  I also think it would be premature to leave your marriage right now.  Is it possible that you and your DH have grown apart and are no longer right for each other — sure.  But maybe you have unrealistic expectations, or maybe there is something else going on with you.  A good therapist will help you figure it out.

Post # 64
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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annonymousbee222 :  My ex was very much like you.  He always looked to the next accomplishment.  It was like he got a rush from checking something off his bucket list.  He was all about the chase and never took the time to reflect on what he really wanted.

As his partner, he was exciting to be with.  We always “did things”.  We were together 2 years when he completely surprised me with a proposal (we had talked marriage but no timeline).  But what I didn’t know was he had started an emotional affair with a coworker before he even proposed to me.  He was already on his next “accomplishment”!  He loved the challenge and I think he thrived on the “forbidden” aspect of his so-called “friendship” with his coworker.  Evenutally his relationship came out when she contacted me.

He was predictably, very remorseful and wanted to make it work with me.  We went to one counseling session and when he was asked what caused the affair, he admitted he was bored.  He had gotten me by me accepting his proposal and had I not found out, he would have gotten me by marrying him.  The counselor asked why didn’t he talk to me about it and his response was basically he didn’t want to lose me, which the counselor interpreted as he wanted his cake and eat it too.

As someone on the other side of this needless to say, I was completely crushed.  I felt like he proposed because it was the next thing on his list.  I felt like I had been used, like I was just a challenge and he really didn’t love me.  It was incredibly hard on my self esteem, even though I knew it had nothing to do with “me”.  It took me a long time to realize that he will never, ever be satisfied.  But I am so grateful that all this came out before we walked down the aisle. He did marry the girl he cheated on me with – and guess what – I have heard they’re already having problems.  No surprise.

The point of all my rambling is that I gather from your original post and updates that you are very similar to my ex in that you will never be satisfied.  If you never took the time to realize that maybe your husband wasn’t “the one”, well, sweetheart, that’s on you.  If you felt like you settled for him, again how is that any one else’s fault but yours.  You went through with the wedding because you were trying to save face (and I don’t think for a second you think it was “cold feet”) but now you’re going to hurt him so much worse .

Listen, I’m all for being true to yourself but it’s not fair to hurt someone else in the process while doing that.  It sounds like you’ve already checked out and if you were looking for a lot of support I think you came to the wrong place.  If you really want out after 2 months, then let him know right now.  If you made a mistake in marrying him, let him find someone that truly loves him for who he is.  This work guy is your next conquest and once you realize he farts and has morning breath, you’ll be onto the next guy.

You need to look at yourself in order to break this pattern.  It sounds like you will never be satisfied, and that is really sad.

Post # 65
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

I would read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X It’s about looking at your relationship expections realistically and deciding what you ultimately want. I recommend this book to a lot of people and I found it helpful when I started dating my friend turned boyfriend and I didn’t feel “fireworks”. I hope you find this helpful!

Post # 67
Member
10543 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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annonymousbee222 :  Is this the guy that you were having an emotional affair with when you were married? 

Congrats on your happiness. I hope you can stop looking forward to the next steps in life and enjoy being where you are now.

Post # 68
Member
4207 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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annonymousbee222 :  Hey bee! Congrats on your new-found happiness! I was actaully in a scarily similar position to you and ended my marriage in November 2015 (my decision was easier because he was cheating on top of all the other issues). I’ve been with my SO since mid-Dec 2016 and I cant believe I ever thought that what I had with my ex-H was all there was to love (and life). I too didnt take the time to really think about why he was right for me and was always looking forward to the next milestone. I still do that a little with my SO but its more so in an excited, ‘can’t wait to experience __ with him’ kind of way. I’m glad you followed your heart and are happy!

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