- 8 years ago
Sometimes when I start to realize that the engagement is not coming the time I suspect it will be (V-Day, birthday, date nights, etc.) I start to really doubt what we’re doing in this thing called a relationship.
We live together and have been through a lot in the 2.5 years we’ve been together, including a time of lies and lots of fighting. We got over that but it took a lot of time and tears. Sometimes I don’t know if I tricked myself into thinking I trusted him again and I just moved in with him so I could keep a closer eye on everything. I think about all the things from the past, even things from BEFORE we were even together, and I cringe and I let it ruin all the great things we have in the present. Then I get upset, and poor guy, I walk around pissed at him even though he did nothing except maybe snore a little bit next to me while I was thinking these crazy thoughts.
So, I know I’m thinking these things due to my anxiety disorder, which causes me to not be able to relax enough to sleep and then all my thoughts just spiral. And I know that on a daily basis I can objectively see how wonderful our relationship really is, how in love we are, and how he is my continuous support in every part of my life. And I know the reasons why we are together. We love each other and we make each other’s lives complete.
But when I overanalyze, I grow doubtful, and start to panic about the future. I panic that we will never get married; or worse, I worry that we will get married, and then come to realize that we are not happy.
Then I think about what our life would be in the future – buying a home, having children, growing old together – and I think that nothing could be more right than that.
Please tell me I’m not the only crazy lady having these doubts in my pre-engagement limbo.