(Closed) Doubts…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@bday2194:  I think you are a bit in the wrong here.

1st off you should not have snooped through his facebook messages. 

It sounds like he was saying no to meeting up, and probably only said he “might” to get her to stop messaging him. 

It sounds like he’s done nothing really wrong (other than maybe responding to a few more messages then he should have), where as you displayed that you do not trust him by snooping into his personal facebook account. 

It’s fine not to trust his ex, but I think you need to appologize to him for snooping and not trusting. He’s chosen you and he told his ex he did not want to meet with her.

Working on your ability to trust him would probably be beneficial before entering into a marriage.

Post # 4
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It doesn’t really sound like he did anything wrong. If somebody was pushy like that with me, I’d probably also say “maybe” just to get them off my back.

Post # 5
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ok, take a breath!  He doesn’t seem to have done anything so bad as to warrant postponing the wedding.  I know how you feel and understand your hurt, but you are overreacting.  I think deep down you know this . . .

If he sincerely apologized and admitted it was a huge mistake to answer her Facebook messages, what more do you want him to do?  (Also, I agree with KatNYC2011 that you really shouldn’t be snooping, if that’s what you were doing.  How did you find the messages?  Were they private or on his wall for all to see?)  Try to keep in mind that most of the time people live up to our perception of them.  If you accuse him now of being untrustworthy you might be opening a can of worms, when what he did seems rather minor.  He didn’t go to see her. 

However, all of that said, I would also have a problem with his ex trying to keep in touch with your man and there really isn’t a reason for them to stay in contact.  You can respectfully ask him to cut off contact with her since it upsets you.  And most likely he will honor your request.  But to me this doesn’t sound like a reason to postpone your wedding, unless the two of you have more serious issues.  I also agree that the two of you need to have some discussions to get back on track with trusting, which is a vitally important element in a marriage; it won’t work without trust.

Post # 6
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t think your Fiance did anything wrong. I think he probably just said that to her to get her off his back. I can imagine that receiving constant pushy e-mails would be a tad annoying.

You could bring this up to him, but that would admit that you were snooping in his private messages. And that is very wrong. Honestly, my Fiance would be PISSED if he found out I was snooping because that means that I clearly do not trust him. I would feel the same way.

Be prepared to open up a door that you may not want to open….

Post # 8
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I know thatis really easy to snoop sometimes. I myself have peeked at texts etc for absolutely no reason other than curiosity and luckily have never seen anything inappropriate. Ssnooping does nothing but plant doubts in our own minds and makes us make assumptions etC, it’s almost masochistic because really we are only hurting ourselves when there is nothing to be hurt about so lets try not to do that again 🙂

On the subject of reminiscing with his ex and stuff. I have done this with this with my ex, which I am probably in the wrong for doing, but the fact is that you really never forget your first love, they always have a special place in your heart. Howeverthat is not the same thing as having current feelings for the person. Thinking about it now I knowmy fh would be extremely hurt to know we had any type of conversation likethat and I probably would if he did as well but you definitely need to rremember that those conversations don’t meant anything about your current relationship. I love my future husband and can’t wait to marry him. I never ever wish I had married my ex, but i think ill alwaysl have afondness of the memory of the times we did have together. However that is something that my fiancé does not need to have in front of his face. Which is why snooping is never a good idea. Don’t let their conversation about the old times distract you from the love YOU guys share together and your future bbecause that is the here and now and that is the reality. With that being said considering she obviously is not respectful of your relationship and crossed some lines here I don see it being out of line for you to ask that they don’t speak or even be fb friends anymore. And I hope you have a wonderful wedding in two weeks!

Post # 9
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@bday2194:  I don’t think you were SO wrong to snoop–he WAS hiding his convos w his ex from you which is wrong….but did they actually meet up? were the convos inappropriate? 

I’m not sure why you would postpone the wedding for this, unless there is something more that you haven’t said…

Post # 10
Member
747 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

yes i agree there is nothing wrong with  snooping snd he was hiding this from you then why not… you should sit down and have a convo with him. i dont care if it was to push her away you cant just be like yea we mmight meet up that is just wrong because now she’s going to be like yeah so when should we meet up, if anything that is not pushing her away is the other way around..just sit down and talk with him and say how much it bothers  you. good luck

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