- 2 years ago
So, i’ve recently been reading quite a lot of questions and comments from people about having doubts about their fiancé and re considering if they should get married. I’ve been stressed out due to a similar situation and i’m very close to becoming a nervous wreck over this confusion. I’m in need of some serious advice and i don’t know who to talk to, so please bear with me while i explain my complicated story.
I’m engaged to a guy whose character is almost perfect and who has no major flaws. He says that he loves me a lot and can’t live without me, and he respects me immensely and doesn’t seem capable of hurting me in any way.
Now i’ll share a little background about my love life. I had only one boyfriend before, when i was 14-15 years old. That relationship didn’t even last a year but we remained best friends for the next 5 years. Thing is, i was truly, madly, deeply and unconditionally in love with my ex boyfriend. I had never ever felt like that for anyone before and i have never ever felt like that for anyone else since then. He had commitment issues and he said he couldn’t think of getting married and that was the reason he broke up with me. He has never dated any other girl since then, atleast none that i know of. I never truly got over him but maybe it’s because of the fact that our families are close and i see him quite frequently. A year and a half ago i decided that we couldn’t be friends any longer because the lack of feelings from his side was hurting me and i couldn’t ever think of getting married to anyone ever as long as i was friends with him. I told him that i didn’t love him anymore and that we would always be friends but i would stop talking to him, and i did that. Now, the reason i’m explaining this whole thing about my ex boyfriend is so that you understand the whole situation. I thought i’d moved on, i didn’t want to be with him anymore, i was very happy with my life (which i usually am).
1 and a half year later i got a marriage proposal from my fiancé’s family and none of my family members were very excited about it initially. But my brothers met the guy and then my parents met his family and everybody loved everything about the proposal. Thing is, i never found my fiancé attractive, we never spoke before our engagement and i only said yes because i thought almost everything about him was perfect (minus the looks), my family was happy about it and i thought i would eventually get attracted to him. When we started talking after our engagement, he was madly in love with me and he was fine with me not having feelings for him yet and he very patiently gave me time for my feelings to grow. We spoke all the time and went out 5 times and i started liking him, i told him i loved him (but i don’t think i was in love with him). Don’t get me wrong, i love him and i love everything about him, i’m just not in love with him. I know it sounds messed up, it is. He works in another country so he left a month after our engagement. I was very happy for the first 2 months after our engagement. He is so perfect that i couldn’t pick out a single fault if i wanted to. And yet i am not attracted to him. I stopped talking to him recently just because i don’t feel like and it’s hurting him. I can’t stop myself from being extremely annoyed while talking to him. I keep picking faults and everything about him has started to irritate me. And this just started out of nowhere. He likes to talk to me all the time but i just hate the fact that he can’t seem to understand that i’m a busy person who can’t talk to him day and night. It seriously upsets him that i can’t give him all my time and that irks me. He says he loves me way too much to stop thinking about me even for a second. Even after knowing how nice he is and how much he loves me i just don’t seem to care enough.
Recently, i’ve been having serious doubts about getting married to him. It’s like one second i was thinking if i should’ve waited and seen if i could have done better and the next thing i know i’m haunted with these thoughts that tell me i’m making a huge mistake. I really don’t know what the problem is or what it is i am looking for in a guy, but i know for sure that i’m not attracted to my fiancé because i’m not sure if i want to spend the rest of my life with him. The first 2 months that i spoke to him i was so happy that i was ready to marry him right then and i could picture a happy forever with him. But now i just feel like all of that was the excitement of being engaged and getting to know him. Even i’m not sure of what i think and if it is true. The only problem with him is that we are very different from each other. I’m the sort of person who gives a lot of importance to my friends and my hobbies, i’m very passionate, i love reading and i like talking about deep stuff. My fiancé, on the other hand, does not have any hobbies, isn’t passionate about anything and doesn’t have much knowledge about current world affairs and i don’t think of him as a very intellectual person. I feel like all these reasons don’t make his personality great and it makes me feel like i’m just settling. I’m scared that i’ll never be satisfied with him. Will that feeling go away because of his love? I feel like it would be very unfair to him if he always loved me more than i love him and i feel terrible saying this out loud and i’m not even sure if i believe it, but i feel like i might not treat him well enough just because i feel superior. There are so many things that are bothering me and yet none of them are major issues. He is such a good man who is willing to do anything it takes to see me happy. He says my dreams are his and he’ll support me in fulfilling them. He doesn’t give me a single reason to dislike him and that seems to bother me even more, the fact that i’m unable to love him enough even after knowing all this. Does that just make me ungrateful? Am i taking him for granted? Or does it make sense to not have feelings for someone who loves you so much? I’m absolutely terrified about calling off the engagement because i’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do and i’m scared of regretting it. Last month i really wanted to ignore everything and marry him right away and now i’m having these thoughts. Is that normal? Is this because i’m comparing him to other people or because i’m not able to overlook minute problems or is this a major issue? Is not being attracted to someone a good enough reason to call off an engagement or is it something that should be overlooked for long term happiness?
So basically, my problem is that i have a perfect fiancé who i don’t want to get married to. I want to marry him but i don’t want to marry him. That’s how confused i am. I’m not even certain about what i want but i’m surely having doubts about him and actually thinking if he is the one. Is there ever ‘the one’? Should i just brush these thoughts away and live a peaceful life with him or take this risk and look for something more passionate? I’m scared of hurting him without a reason and i’m scared of marrying him with doubts. What do i do?
And one last question, i’d completely stopped thinking about my ex but i can’t seem to stop comparing him to my fiancé now. He was a nice guy but he hurt me a lot and my fiancé isn’t capable of hurting me. And yet i can imagine a life with my ex but not with my fiancé. I’ve been wondering if i should contact my ex and see what he has to say. We were best friends for a long time. He knows i’m engaged. Would it be wise of me to contact him and find out if he still has commitment issues or would that diminish my self respect? Oh and i’m 22 years old right now. It’s been 5 months since i got engaged and i’ll be getting married in 7 months.