(Closed) Doubts about SO and his ex-girlfriend

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would feel uncomfortable in your situation, too. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend clearly likes to keep a back-up girlfriend on the sidelines, which is a pretty unsavory habit. A man who is totally committed to you would not be in close contact with an ex without disclosing to her that he has a new girlfriend. 

I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and tell him his habit of secretively keeping in touch with his ex without telling her about his new girfriend disturbs you, and if he wants to stay in a relationship with you, he either needs to drop communication with her entirely or at least tell her about you and have y’all meet or something.

Honestly, though, I think men who are secretive and manipulative tend not to stop just because you ask them to. He hides things from you and his ex girlfriend so he can control your realities – he makes HER think that he is unattached, and makes YOU think that he is totally devoted while meanwhile he’s keeping in close touch with another woman. That’s pretty creepy and gross and doesn’t bode well for a strong, drama-free relationship in the future.

Post # 3
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

irinaaa:  I’d be really worried too- he’s keeping u both on the hook. It’s time to reevaluate ur relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

If he wanted her instead of you, he’d have kept her or gotten back together with her when she asked. She’s back-up booty, she’s leaving the country, do not worry about her.

Post # 5
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, it’s shady as hell that he wants to keep talking to her just because she was injured. There’s no need for him to send her anything more than a cursory “Get well soon” text.

Post # 6
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

two flags…you felt the need to snoop, and then your fears were essentially confimed. i truly don’t believe that, other than kids, there is a really great reason to keep up with an ex, especially in a sneaky way.

Post # 7
Member
811 posts
Busy bee

I think its a red flag. And you really don’t sound happy. You sound stressed like no other and like you barely sleep. He keeps bouncing back and forth between you both and it’s not stable or healthy for you. He needs to be a man and make a choice and stop stringing two women along. I worry that he’s 31 and should’ve learned by now. He is acting like a college kid.

You should not be this stressed and feel the need to stalk him and her on social media. You deserve to be happy and comfortable and feel safe (I know, not from physical violence but from mental distress) in your relationship. You did a great job going no contact the last time you broke up and I feel for you so much going through this. But how would you feel if he proposed and you guys got married? Would you always be thinking of the past and this woman and worrying? That would not be a healthy way to spend your life. Be sure to put yourself first on this one, and look out for your best intersts. Whatever you choose, good luck, and know that you deserve the best. 

Post # 10
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

irinaaa:  I am trying not to judge, but it seems like your relationship might not be as peachy as you think. Sounds to me that your boyfriend likes to keep “back up” girlfriend when other is out of the picture or unavailable.  I would have serious conversation with him and do some thinking on your own. You deserve someone who is 100% committed to you and you only. I understand that ex is still human but if there wasn’t anything shady going on, he wouldn’t have problem taking you with.

Post # 11
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

leilarobs2:  youd be okay if your SO had back up booty? why does he need back up booty? it’s not like early days of a new relationship…

Post # 12
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

That’s definitely a red flag. He is obviously not over his ex. It sounds like the only thing keeping him from getting back together with her is the fact that she doesn’t live in the same city and he doesn’t want to have a long distance relationship. That’s probably why he wanted you back four months after you guys broke up, which is most likely when she left (this is just a theory though).

He may not be physically cheating on either of you, but the fact that he is not breaking it off completely with his ex while dating you is cheating in my opinion. If I were you, I would just end it. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who I didn’t feel safe with. 

Post # 13
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

MAJOR RED FLAGS

 

1. He doesn’t introduce you. This is because he doesn’t want her to know he has another love. He wants to continue stringing her along. Also, he doesn’t want to risk her mentioning something about their time together when you two had broken up, or worse, if he’s cheated on you since you’ve been back together.

2. Being secretive. The only reason men are secretive is because they know they are doing something wrong. He’s a manipulator and a liar. I wouldn’t doubt it if he cheated, whether in person or sexting/whatever. 

3. Major communication problems. If you can’t be straight up honest with him and ask him these questions it’s because a) you don’t think he’ll tell the truth or b) because you’re afraid of the answer / reaction.

4. You have to snoop. This is bad. If you worry enough to have to check his Facebook, emails, phone, etc. then you don’t trust him. What’s worse, is that you found you have reason not to trust him. 

 

I was in a relationship like this. It’s great when you’re together, so much love and things go smoothly. But it’s hollow. The relationship isn’t deep, you aren’t connected on some crazy level. You can’t confide in each other or trust fully, and for good reason. 

If you really want to give this relationship a fighting chance, I suggest going to relationship counselling. They will help with the communication issues and address any concerns, ie; cheating and lying. 

But imo – he’s a deadbeat. He’s stringing along the ex and hiding stuff from both of you. Im sorry you bought a house together.

you sound like a smart, considerate and cool girl. Any guy would be lucky to have you. Please cut your losses and get out before marriage, kids, etc. make it that much harder and more expensive. 

Post # 14
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

KE88:  OP came on the scene and he dropped her like a hot potato. He resurrected their “friendwithbenefitship” when he and OP broke up. She ASKED him if they could be in a relationship (so apparently they weren’t) and he declined. Kicked her to the curb AGAIN for OP.

Whether we like it or not (or care to believe it or not), men are never more than 100 yards away from backup booty. We go, they ring some up. I’m not necessarily referring to SEX either but someone they can text and talk to, hang out with, someone who strokes their ego and makes them feel “special”…of course, sometimes it’s sex too! We like to think they sit alone in their apts and cry in their chicken noodle soup and pine away like we do but they don’t.

 

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