- 5 years ago
I need your advice. Sometimes I have big doubts about the relationship with my boyfriend- Really just sometimes, maybe every couple of months. All the other time it’s seriously perfect and I’m in a happy healthy relationship. But then doubts won’t leave and come back every once in a while and I wonder if I have irrational fears or if they are a red flag.
Well, we’ve been together for three years in total. He’s 31, I’m turning 28 soon. In the beginning our relationship was far from easy. We went from one extreme to another- We were very much in love and all over each other (I knew instantly that I have never loved someone like I love him), but at the same time we moved out relationship way too fast (because of that). I moved in with him just a month after meeting. Today I know that this was a huge mistake. We didn’t even really know each other and were suddeny ‘stuck’ in an apartment together. I know for some people that works out, for us it didn’t. We fought a lot, big crazy fights (no violene, no name calling etc.) and one day a few months into our relationship I found out that he left his ex-girlfriend to be with me. I freaked out, because I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend when we met. According to him and a good friend of him (who’s also a good friend of me, he was the one who introduced us and I’m sure he wouldn’t lie to me) he broke up with her just a few days after he met me. So he didn’t have a relationship with both of us at the same time. This calmed me down a bit- For a while. Our relationship had too many problems, stupid fighting about the household and other unnecessary stuff.
It went on like this for 1.5 years. Yes, 1.5! We fought a lot and sometimes our relationship was just crazy and absolutel terrible. But we loved each other very much and therefore never broke up. Well, after 1.5 years and another couple of fights he suddenly broke up with me, telling me he cannot do this anymore, that we’re fighting way too much and that he needs to be alone and that our relationship doesn’t work. I was so shocked I didn’t even start a discussion about it. The next day I moved out, I didn’t want to see him anymore or hear anything from him. I deleted his phone number and deleted him from social networks. I went completly NC.
We didn’t have contact for almost four months. Not even a single message. Then I received a long email from him, pooring out his heart. He said how he still loves me and cannot stop thinking about me and that everything reminds him of me. And that we should have tried to figure things out intead of breaking up. I answered and we were emailing for a few days, I was quite cold in the beginning, telling him that if he wanted to talk he could have, before breakin up with me etc. He asked me to meet, and to keep things short- We got back together.
That was almost 1.5 years ago. Everything has been wonderful ever since. I know it sounds unlikely, most people say ‘An ex is an ex for a reason’ and ‘The problems will always come back’ but for us they didn’t. We learned how to communicate with each other, since that was the biggest issue in our relationship. We read stuff about anger management and talked a LOT. After a few months, he asked me to move in with him again. I did. No problems ever since. We’ve even been talking about the future, buying a house, having kids and getting married. I’m quite sure he will propose in the next 12 months, and in fact we bought a house together three months ago (still under construction, will be done in a year). For those who say ‘I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’m not married too’- I understand, but that’s just not me. I want to get married and I know he will propose in the next 12 months, but I’m not crazy about getting engaged already. Other things are more important to me.
Well… but now we’re getting to the bad part. I’m so worried sometimes about him breaking up again, even though everything has been fine. One day, a few months ago, I had one of this doubt breakdowns. Why? I sometimes stalk his ex (the one he broke up with for me) on Facebook, she’s one of these girls who share every single detail of their life on Facebook, so it’s easy. In November she had an accident and broke both of her legs and had to sit in a wheelchair and came back to our city for a month because of that (she lived in another country at that time). I felt a bit bad for her, but I also had the feeling that my boyfriend might contact her for that reason. I told him I knew about her accident (but said that our mutual friend mentioned it, he also knows her) and asked him if he has been in contact with her (in a neutral voice). He said yes, he has been texting with her almost every day since the accident. I was like ‘What’? He said ‘Yea, many of her friends are abroad at the moment, so she needs me’. I was like ‘She doesn’t need you, you are her ex and she has a family’. He didn’t accept this. I asked him if he will visit her. He said yes, he’s planning so. I told him straight that I don’t want him to visit her alone, that I will go with him or that he cannot visit her. He got pissed at first, but then accepted. I told him I would gladly come with him, he was totally against it. He said that that would be terrible, bringing the new girlfriend to the ex-girlfriend (I’m not even new but well). I told him that their relatioship ended more than 2.5 years ago and that I don’t get it, if my ex-boyfriend came by for coffee at my apt with his new girlfriend I would be happy to have them, since our relationship has been over for a few years and since I don’t have any feelings for him anymore. I asked him if he would be okay if she had a new boyfriend and visited us with him. He said yes, but that not all people are the same. I asked him if he has ever told his ex that he has been in a relationship with me for 3 years, or if he has ever mentioned me to her. He said no, but added that ‘she probably knows anyway’. I couldn’t believe it. Three years together and he has never even mentioned me to her.
I just couldn’t get over it, the whole story was too weird to me. I know it’s not right, but I snooped. I have the password to his computer, to his emails and Facebook (here I should mention that he was the one who gave them to me, I never asked for them; also he never has problems with me using his phone and never turns away the screen). I didn’t find anything suspicious in Facebook (he’s not a big FB user anyway). Then I checked his emails. I was shocked to learn that he had been in contact with his ex the entire time during the first 1.5 years of our relationship (before we broke up). There way no hint of cheating, but they exchanged emails frequently, and he never mentioned me in one word to her. I even checked the emails just around the weeks before he broke up with her to be with me. No signs of being unhappy with her, more the opposit- He told her how much he loves her, how crazy he is about her and how amazing she is. Some of the things even sounded more lovey-dovey than the things he wrote me (but then again, he never asked her to live with him or to get married in the future etc.). It just hit me very hard- How could he break up with a woman he seemed to love that much, from one day to another, for a girl he didn’t even really know? I started to be scared that the same might happen to me at some point.
I kept reading their emails and got the next shock. When he broke upwith me after those 1.5 years of loving each other and fighting a lot, he went back to her. There were no lovey-dovey emails, not even a ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’, but they talked about their day and it was clear that they started dating again (he once added a recent photo of them in the car going ona trip, or she told him how she liked the restaurant the day before). This apparently went on almost for the entire time we were broken up, almost three months. The last email of them I found is from two days after he sent me that email pooring his heart out, where she’s asking him if they can be in a relationship again. From that email I also learned that she will be gone to study an MBA for a year, starting a few months later. She came back to our city last months. He emailed her back saying that he thought about it, but that he just can’t, especially because she’s moving away and he doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship. After that nothing. I know they’ve been in contact at least after her accident, because he told me so. But no emails, probably on Whatsapp, I have never checked his phone (even though he lets me use it). I have no idea if they still talk. I once asked him and he said no. But the doubts stay. I’m not sure if the long distance relationship thing was just an excuse, or true. If he wanted to be with her all the time, he could have. But he wasn’t (I could see that clearly from the emails). But then, why didn’t he take me to see her after she had an accident (she was in town for a month)? And why does he even keep in touch with her? Now I don’t know if he still is, but well, the doubts. I doubt he saw her since she’s back in town, but I’m worried he will in the future.
Before I forget, I also saw an album in his photo folder called ‘100 photos’ and it were photos he printed out more than a year ago. I remember how he proudly showed me the pics. It were pics of us together, pics of his family and his travels, a few of our pictures together he even hung up in our apartment. But I noticed there were more photos in that folder, three more to be precise. Three more just him and his ex-girlfriend, hugging and posing in front of a mountain or sitting at the table (the pics aren’t new, they are from their relationship before meeting me, but still, they shouldn’t even be in that folder). Of course I directly started wondering if he also printed those pictures and just hasn’t shown them to me. He also still liked a lot of pictures she posts on Instagram (yes I’m stalking). She posts like two pictures per day and he likes like 50% of them (no selfies).
I don’t know. Saying all this our relationship sounds like a huge mess but it really isn’t. It’s been wonderful and I’m happy, but the doubts keep coming once in a while when I think about how he broke up with his ex out of the blue, how he stayed in touch with her for 1.5 years and how he even started dating her again after we were broken up.
What do you guys think? Is this a huge red flag and I should seriously consider my relationship? Or should I try to let go? What what you do? Sorry for the long post and thanks a lot.