- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
I’m a little bit confused about how I’m feeling about my relationship and upcoming wedding. I think I’m starting to have some doubts, but I’m not sure if this is normal or if it’s a sign that I should break things off.
My fiancé and I have been together for three and a half years, since we met on match.com. We only see each other on weekends, because we live an hour away from each other. Anyway, he proposed spontaneously, while we were watching tv together on the couch, after we dated for five months. Even though it was very soon in our relationship, I had already decided in my mind that if he were to ever to propose, that I would say yes because he was so amazing to me. My fiancé loves me in a way that I didn’t even think was possible. I feel completely myself around him, he makes me feel comfortable in my body (I’m plus size and never thought men would be attracted to me), he makes me feel special, and we joke around a lot. He is a gentleman who opens doors for me, who buys me nice gifts on special occasions, and wouldn’t let me pay for anything for at least the first year we were dating. I knew he was a keeper. I did have some doubts shortly after getting engaged- he wasn’t social and didn’t want to spend time with my family and friends, he would rarely initiate contact with me when we weren’t together, and I felt like he would try to purposely annoy me because “my reactions were funny”. I had talks with him about it and he really listened to me and improved on these things. I had no doubts about our relationship for a long time.
Since the new year started, it has really hit me that our wedding is coming up quick and I’m starting to question things. Most importantly: we set the date under the assumption that I would get a full-time teaching job immediately upon graduation and we would live together for a year before getting married. This unfortunately has not happened. Yet, when the school year started and I was still without a full time job, we never talked about how our plans would change. We kept going out to eat and to the movies without thinking about how we should be saving money. Now our wedding is five months away, and after finally getting him to realistically talk about our future and what would happen if I don’t get a full time job before the wedding (instead of the “it’ll all work out” and “we’ll worry about it then” response that he usually gives me), we discovered that we don’t have the money to live together right now.
I have a lot of concerns. First of all, my fiancé is not good with money. He’s the type of guy who will buy something every time he goes into the store, and he’s always buying blu-rays, ordering stuff online, and going to the movies. I’ve had to have many talks with him over the past month for it to even slightly sink in that we need to be saving money (even though he still booked us a $275 hotel stay for Valentine’s Day and decided to tack on an extra day to our honeymoon after these talks!). His mother reassured me that he “always pays his bills on time”, but the fact of the matter is, he still has a $60,000 student loan debt that will be hanging over our heads the rest of our lives and he is a big dreamer (always telling me how we’re going to have a home movie theater one day and all of that). Plus, I feel like he has put a lot of pressure on me to get a full time job. I’ve already been so hard on myself for not getting a job despite my best efforts and 30+ interviews, and I feel like he hasn’t been as supportive as I want him to be. He used to make comments about me being the breadwinner and whatnot. I think I feel like he should have made more of an effort to do anything he could to make living together a possibility once he realized that things weren’t going as planned. I know that I certainly have been doing everything that I can, and I think I’m afraid that being together isn’t as big of a priority for him as it is for me. I think part of this fear comes from him being a bit of a mama’s boy. He is 27 years old and still living at home. His mother literally does everything for him: cook, clean, laundry, even takes care of his finances. He’s living an easy life at home, and up to this point, he really has been able to spend his money as he pleased. I wonder if maybe he doesn’t want to give that up. I’m also concerned about how his current situation will translate once we live together. He claims that he will do his fair share of the housework, but I feel like I can’t believe him until I see it happen. I also wonder how much of a role his mother will play in our lives once we get married- will she be the type to drop in unexpectedly? To judge all the decisions we make? To make him come over whenever she needs something done around the house?
Another concern of mine…what if he’s not right for me? In some ways, I see him as a man child. He likes to make jokes like “Do you have to take a poopie?” and he’s started to fart around me. Sometimes I try to tell him about the things that he does that annoy me, and he laughs and points at me because he thinks I’m joking. It drives me crazy. I’m not super serious, but I wish he could be a little more serious and mature at times, instead of making everything into a joke. I also still want him to text me more and maybe even call once in awhile. I’ll text him and he’ll respond with one word answers, or he won’t try to keep the conversation going. I’ve gotten so frustrated with this that I don’t text him as often as I used to; it’s like I’m waiting around to see if he remembers me. These are little things, but these are little things I might have to put up with for the rest of my life.
After some encouragement from my parents, I finally brought up to him that maybe we should postpone the wedding because of our financial situation…it just doesn’t make sense for us to get married if we won’t be living together afterward. He seemed okay with the idea. And although postponing the wedding would be a relief in a lot of ways, it also really upsets me. This wedding, and the thought of finally being together, is all that has kept me going for a long time now. My life just feels like one disappointment after another. I don’t know what I should do.
I wrote this mostly just to get it out, but if anyone took the time to read this (thank you!) and would like to offer some advice, I’d love to hear it. Thank you.