(Closed) Doubts? (Long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think that postponing the wedding is the right thing to do.  Why would you marry someone you can’t even live with.  It sounds to me like he’s not mature enough to get married if he thinks life and finances are a joke.  

You need to take a long hard look at what you’re getting yourself into.  Those little things add up, and from what you’ve posted I’m not seeing a lot of good things to balance them out enough to make you want to marry this guy.

Post # 4
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you are smart to have doubts especially when it comes to finances.  Views on money is a make or break deal in marriages!  I’m not saying stay or go because only you can decide that, but I get it.  Before FI, I dated a guy who had no clue when it came to money.  He went out all the time, bought whatever he felt like, everything had to be expensive name brands which is obv fine if you have the cha-ching, but he didn’t… He honestly told me he was thinking about getting a new Audi when I knew for a fact that he had less than 3K in his bank account at the time, and he was also looking for a job when he said that.  I found it all to be a big turn off, and I basically knew it would never be serious with that guy because I wanted my marriage to be a partnership that included team financial goals.  FI is totally the opposite.  He is smart with his money but also knows when to have fun, and bills and investments are his priority.  Basically, with ex bf I had piles of doubts even though we did have some fun times.  With FI I feel completely at ease about getting married because I know we are going to work together toward the same goals.  Also, after ex bf I felt like I had had so many dating disasters that I really didn’t think there was a relationship out there that would ever work out for me.  Naturally, FI was the very next guy I dated.  There’s hope!  Good luck!  

Post # 5
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I wouldn’t call these issues little at all. If they’re a nuisance now, they will be heart-breaking in marriage. It sounds like your fiance is a more of a boy, like you mentioned. I encourage you to read a book by Niel Clark Warren called ‘Finding the Love of Your Life’. It’s about mate selection, and how your choice in a partner makes a bigger impact on the quality of your marriage than anything you do after the wedding. Even if you’re not ready to leave this relationship, that book will help you understand what you need in a husband and how to be wise in such a big life decision as this.

Post # 6
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’d have to tell you honestly: your FI sounds like a bit of a child and needs to grow up a bit, so I can totally understand why you’re having doubts! I agree with the other bees that you should postpone the wedding for now; I know it’s really sad, but it’ll take so much pressure off you and you can start tackling the tasks you talked about one at a time: finding a job you like, working on a budget plan for the wedding, maybe paying student debt if you have any. Once the stress from the wedding is also off, you can think about if he’s really right for you – do you think counselling or talking to someone you trust might help? One other thing I can tell you: it’s unlikely he’ll get better with money if he hasn’t been trained to budget properly (not impossible of course, but it’d have to take a huge undertaking and commitment on his part to change). Sounds like mommy has been doing everything for him for way too long.

You sound like a smart person and with lots of good things to look forward to; IMO it’s definitely better to tread carefully and wait until you’re 100% sure because, just from what you’ve told me, I’m not convinced he’s the one for you. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee

I think after everything you described, postponing is the best idea. Between the lack of financial stability, his obvious immaturity and your doubts, getting married and legally binding yourself to him right no does NOT sound like a wise choice.

I suggest you see a financial planner together. Perhaps if someone with professional experience can lay out the facts for him, your FI will realize that he needs to start taking things seriously and work towards reducing his debt and planning for the future.

It’d probably also be good to really discuss with him where you see things going – I know from personal experience that it just won’t work if you are in different places maturity wise. That’s one of the biggest reasons my ex-FI and I broke up – he was not ready to make the kind of commitment and start the kind of life that I was. He still isn’t, nearly a year after our breakup.

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