Post # 1
So I have a little situation that I would love to get some advice on. My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years, we are in a long distance relationship, I know he has the ring and we have talked about getting married this summer, so I have been expecting a proposal. We even set a tentative date and he told me to go ahead and research some venues! All of a sudden the past couple of days he has been freaking out and telling me that after we get engaged he wants us to live together for a while and not set a date for the wedding…even though we already talked about getting married this August. He thinks I have a “bitchy” aspect of my personality that I need to work on (which is true) and he feels like we should live together before we get married….which I am not willing to do. I think he needs to be confident and have faith in the relationship without a need to live together beforehand. That is one thing I am not willing to compromise on, call me old fashioned or stubborn, I don’t know. I also don’t see the point in getting engaged and not planning a wedding, then I feel like he just wants to get engaged so that I move in with him. I am going to stand my ground on this one, because I am not giving up my job and life to move in with him to another city to see if it works….he should know that by now. I personally don’t believe I even want to live together until marriage, and he knows this as well. We have discussed this issue at great lengths long ago and I don’t understand why he is all of a sudden freaking out and bringing this up again. We had already decided that once we get engaged I will look for a job while planning a wedding and if I find a job prior to our wedding date I will move and if I don’t find a job then I will move once we get married anyway. Is this normal? Is he freaking out because he has the ring and is finally ready to propose or is he seriously having valid doubts? What should I do? I feel like the past couple of days we have just been talking about it nonstop but I feel like not much else can be done. Any advice?
Post # 3
It seems like he is trying to communicate with you. I think you should open the lines of communication and talk to him about this. Ask him what exactly he means. He could just be nervous, or the attitude from you that he is talking about coule be giving him second thoughts.
Post # 4
Sorry for the double post.
Post # 5
here is my take on it. and this is coming from someone who has been with her SO for 5 years and lived together for 3. i think when women consider marriage it tends to be a more emotional decision. for example, for me getting married is a public declaration of the love we have for one another and while it means the world to me, it really won’t change much about our lives. we will still love each other, support one another, etc. married or not. for my guy, marriage was more than just the emotional aspect. it meant he had to be a provider and be ready to be a dad and provide stability, etc. so in the first few years of our relationship while he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, he wasn’t certain he was ready to be all of the above (esp, being a dad which is something i’m not even close to being ready for).
so my point is this… while it is possible that he is having doubts about your relationship and you may need to communicate about that, it is just as likely that he is feeling insecure in another area of his life which makes him question his ability to be the husband he wants to be. maybe it’s work or a complicated family relationship. and if it is, there may be little you can do except be supportive.
now for some advice beyond what you asked. my relationship was long distance for the first 2.5 years. let me tell you, the first 6 months we lived together were rough! it is a huge adjustment. going from the romance and intensity of whirlwind visits to the realities of day to day life isn’t always pretty. and i suspect the stress of wedding planning would have made it worse. maybe a longer engagement would take the pressure off and make the moving and planning work out better.
Post # 6
I think getting married in August if you’re not even engaged yet could be a little quick. You might be ready to plan the wedding in less than 6 months and 100% confident about marrying him so fast, but sounds like he isn’t on this accelerated timeline. When my Fiance proposed in June 09, we planned to get married in July 2011 to give it some time. It was a huge step for him to agree to move it up to Sept 2010, which was still over a year away at the time (we changed due to family reasons and financial constraints).
I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is making a strong and valid statement: he is ready to propose, but he does not want to get married so quickly. I would not brush off his concerns but rather think about how you can compromise. Find a solution that takes both of your concerns into account. For example, if you’re worried that your engagement is going to stretch out indefinitely, maybe you two can set a date a couple of years out rather than in less than 6 months. If you definitely don’t want to live together before marriage, maybe you two can live in the same city but not together in the same apt. Whatever you decide, you should meet him halfway – after all, that’s how marriage is going to work too 🙂
Post # 7
I just wouldn’t move in with him. And why is it the woman that’s always the one dropping everything and picking up an moving anyway? My Fiance and I are not living together and I am seriously trying to keep it that way until we are married. Good Luck with everything.
Post # 8
I think it is reasonable that being in an LDR the idea of committing is scary to him. I could understand more if he wanted you two to live in the same city first…although someone would then have to move without the commitment which is tricky. the reality is, he has concerns and I think the right thing to do is to communicate – not try and force each other to do what you want….marriage is a HUGE commitment and he is clearly not yet ready….
Post # 9
Thanks for the advice girls. I think our freak-out has come to an end. We talked it to death and both calmed down but I am still holding my ground on the moving/marriage situation because that is what we have decided quite some time ago. Hopefully he steps up to the plate, gets over his insecurities and proposes soon because otherwise I will need to move forward on my own….not sure how much longer I am willing to wait in this long distance situation. I’m flying out to see him tomorrow, so hopefully we can enjoy our time together and talk a bit about our future and any concerns he might have (but only if he brings it up….I’m sick of always nagging and whining!).
Post # 10
I HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT! your situation to a tee.
Fiance knew from day 1 that i had never lived with a bf before and never planned on it. call it traditional, call it saving something for after marriage; i was just never into the idea.
come engagement time, when i knew he was ring shopping, and even when we first started talking about marriage – Fiance out of NOWHERE says he’d like to live together to make sure we can really get along and workout our differences during engagement time. LOL sound familiar?
long story short, we had MANY MANY talks about how we both felt on the issue. AND THAT IS THE KEY, COMMUNICATION. don’t be stubborn, don’t think that it’s just about your wants and needs, but it’s the TWO of you in this relationship.
Fiance and i just bought our first home and moved in together (post-engagement), but i was without a job from april-july last year and we pretty much lived together at my apt… so it only felt natural for us to move in together.
he caved a lil and i caved a lil and both of us are in such a happy place because of the compromise 🙂
Post # 11
Thanks missjyc!!! I will do my best not to be so stubborn this weekend! =) Love to hear about girls in my situation with a happy ending!