Post # 1
I asked four ladies to be in our wedding (three long-time friends and my FSIL), and just found out that a second one won’t be able to make it. The first gal is strapped for cash and has two kids, so I understand, and my other friend has been going through a rough time with work/life in general lately, which I totally get. I’m not upset with them at all, just bummed that two of my best friends can’t be with me when I get married.
I’m kind of a loner and don’t have many close friends, so this is tough. I also just moved halfway across the country so I’m in the process of making new friends and building up a support system, which is not that easy at 28!
The third girl, who was my matron-of-honor at my first wedding (which was the beginning of a total shitshow of a marriage), said she should be able to make it but it’s up in the air. Totally understandable since it’s about a year and a half away.
On the plus side, my Future Sister-In-Law, whom I adore (though I don’t know her that well), is going to be here!
But man, this sucks. I love them and really wanted them to be here, if not in the party then as guests. Just needed to get the feels off my chest.
Post # 2
aw, bee, this does suck. I’m not yet engaged, but when it happens I’ll have 2-3 girls in my party. Tbh, I care for them all, but there’s 1 out of the bunch I care about most. I’ve known her since childhood, she was around when SO first started dating in HS, she’s closer to me than my sisters, and her family is like mine. She’s mildly into planning/decorating, but all I could care about is her support. I’m glad your Future Sister-In-Law can be there for you and you adore her. Maybe your Future Sister-In-Law can step up and be moh?
Are you able to accomodate the one BMs wedding attire?
Post # 3
I can relateeeee! I live 15000 km away from my family and friends. I live abroad for almost three years now and only have very few good friends here. I wouldve had 3 Bridesmaid or Best Man but one just bailed out because of something (very long story). And it’s not a tradition or habit here for the bridal party to help the bride whatsoever. So I am basically alone. From those two bridesmaids, only one is being total in supporting me. So. Yea.
Luckily. My fiance is basically acting as my wedding planner. He knows the situation with my BMs and he knows how i feel. He is the one calling ALL the vendors because they dont speak english and i am very limited with local language (definitely not in the level of being able to negotiate). Except for photographer and make up artist (they speak english fluently), he’s been handling everything with me! This wedding prep really shows how much of a team we are.
Still. Loneliness and truth about who my real friends are, hits me hard at times. But you can do this Bee and you will be fine! If you can afford it, maybe you can offer helping that friend who is struggling financially to attend the wedding? Also try to focus on people who are already with you, like your Future Sister-In-Law, and just enjoy being with them. Sometimes it’s so easy to be distracted by what could’ve been than to see what actually is. I know it’s easier said than done but I am always telling myself “okay they cant be with me. But A and B and fiance and Future Sister-In-Law are with me. Thats not bad. And theyre cool. Ok lets do this.” I think im saying that to myself literally everyday now. Lol
Post # 4
It’s hard. I’m living abroad and planning to get married here. Haven’t got as far as asking friends about being BMs but there’s only one who I’m counting on coming the others I would ask, I suspect they won’t be able to travel. It’ll be sad not to have them sharing that day with me. But I can’t do anything about that. I’m glad your Future Sister-In-Law and you get on so well. If your wedding is so far away, is there any chance things could change for the second one?
Post # 5
Your wedding isn’t until a year and a half away, things could be totally different by then! It is way too soon to think you won’t have bridesmaids, or even that the first 2 girls will absolutely not be there.
Usually the rule is, ask the wedding party 6 months before the wedding. So forget about it for about 8 months.
Post # 6
This does stink but you have plenty of time.
Post # 7
I only have 3BMs. One is my sister. Originally I had 2. I think a small wedding party can be kind of nice. I understand the feeling though. I was bummed too.
Post # 8
18 months away? many things can change. The BMs could put 25 bux aside every week and their expenses would be covered. How about giving them air miles?
Post # 9
I appreciate all the suggestions, but it’s a firm “no” from the first–I can’t afford to fly her, plus her two kids and husband out here, let alone pay for attire on top of it, and she said she won’t be able to get time off work because it’s close to the holidays. :/ It sounded strange to me because like you all said, it’s still like 18 months away, but I think she was using the work thing as an excuse to save face.
I asked them super-early because there would be a significant amount of travel involved (Midwest to MD for two, and Seattle to MD for the other) and I wanted to give them enough time to plan/save if they wanted to be involved. I just didn’t expect to get two “No”s right away.
Post # 10
Thanks for commiserating! It really does suck. Things might change for the second girl, and I’m hoping they do. At the same time, I’m not expecting anyone (even a long-time friend from undergrad) to spend the time and money to essentially fly across the country. She’s a massively talented artist who’s trying to get some serious freelance stuff going, so it’s a very exciting–but stressful!–time in her life. I let her know that there are zero hard feelings and that I’m 100% supportive of the direction her career is taking.
At the end of the day, I care more about their individual happiness and don’t want anyone to end up in a tricky position (financially or otherwise) because of my wedding–that seems kind of weird and selfish to me. But it’s still a downer because like I said, I love them and want them to be here! I haven’t seen the college friend since we graduated in 2011 and the other two in about a year and a half. I moved to Baltimore at the end of last June, and it’s been an adjustment, but we all keep in touch via text/Facebook so they’re still in my life, at least.
Post # 11
Sounds like you’re being very reasonable about the whole thing. You’re allowed to be disappointed but don’t swell on it – and it seems like you aren’t. Living abroad also means I can commiserate about having to adjust to life far away from your friends. At least there’s texting, facebook, whatsapp and skype! As well as good old-fashioned letters.
Post # 12
- Wedding: December 1969 - City, State
A lot can change in 1.5 years and people can still rise to the ocassion. Maybe give it 6 months before writing them off as bridesmaids?
Your second friend cannot show up for your wedding because she is currently struggling with work and life in general but who is to say the situation will not improve. Hopefully she is not using her problems as an excuse to not show up. Is it possible that she wants to be there as a guest and not as your BM? In that case send her an invitation!