Post # 1
Little long, but I could really use the advice…My Fiance has a big family and it was important to include them in the wedding day. So we went forward with planning a wedding of 110-120. We knew that we would not be getting help from our families, but that’s ok because we felt that we could pull off a classy affair on our own tight budget.
I had a great vision for how this event would be and was really excited about being surrounded by all of the people we care about.
Until… My Future Mother-In-Law decided that she wanted to throw us an engagement party 4 months before our wedding (after being engaged for a year). At first I thought that this was a good idea, until I found out that it was basically exactly like our wedding reception. Same number of people, most of the same guests, same type of venue, same type of food, music, etc.
I feel like this has kind of killed it for us. Why would I want to have an event almost exactly like my wedding reception so close the big day. In my frustration, I thought that maybe we should forget about the big wedding and just do something smaller (40-50) with immediate family and friends. We could save a lot of money and I no longer feel guilty that his family won’t be included because of the party that Future Mother-In-Law is throwing.
My Fiance is on board with this. What do you ladies think about this situation? Would you be offended by this?
Post # 3
The problem with this new plan is that you SHOULD still feel guilty with it, because it is really rude to invite people to the engagement party and not the wedding. It would be a much better idea to just not have an engagement party. After all, the wedding itself is the important thing. You cn invite people to the wedding who weren’t invited to the engagement party, but absolutely cannot do it the other way around. Your Fiance needs to tell his mother that having an engagement party that is so smilar to the wedding in formality is not what the two of you want.
Post # 4
I have a soft spot about not inviting family to your wedding, maybe because of my culture (Mexican). Our guests list goes to 250+ just in immediate family (uncles, aunts and cousins). Of course we want a beautiful wedding but we just can’t go ignoring family. My mother’s niece (check I don’t like calling her my cousin) did it a few months ago, of course she’s not a family favorite but that was a blow below the waist.
On the other hand, having an engagement party can really help you so it’s really up to you, on how close to your families you are and how important you consider having everyone there.
Post # 5
i would def be offended by this. and i dont understand how you could compare an e party to a reception. enjoy your party…have the reception you orginally planned and keep it moving!
Post # 6
If I am reading this correctly, it sounds like the “engagement party” hasn’t actually happened yet? If that is the case, have you or you fiance talked to Future Mother-In-Law about your concerns? Maybe she would give you two the money she was going to use for the party to help with your wedding? I agree with courtney1188 about general etiquette of not inviting people to wedding events that are not actually invited to the wedding itself….. Maybe your Future Mother-In-Law could let her family know that your fiance and you regrettably could not invite everyone to the wedding, so she wanted to have a separate celebration? Even as I am typing that, is sounds f’d up though…that she would do that, I mean….
Technically, you wouldn’t be the ones throwing the party so you “have no control” over who gets invited to that party if Future Mother-In-Law isn’t respecting your wishes.And therefore, in my opinion, you would be relieved of the above mentioned etiquette.
You could have a lovely intimate wedding, and she could throw your party after the honeymoon? Like a welcom back/congrats party…. like when you have a destination wedding?
Why can’t she just have the party next month? that would make way more sense than waiting so long…..and then people will have forgotten all the details by the time your big day comes.
To answer your question though, i would be pissed.
Post # 7
I’m aware of what etiquette says…and that was one of the issues that I had with the engagement party initially. There was going to be (very) extended family invited that would not be invited to the wedding. The Future Mother-In-Law thought this would be a good way to include them in the wedding festivities. She’s not all about the etiquette aspect of it.
They basically ran with it and have booked a venue and everything. If that was what she really wanted to do, I didn’t want to take that from her. My Fiance and his mother are really close and it would likely cause unnecessary tension.
It just seems easier to have a smaller more intimate wedding that would relieve some of the stress and the wedding reception deja vu.
Post # 8
Is the engagement party already set?
Could you talk to Future Mother-In-Law about helping to host the wedding instead of throwing an engagement party? I don’t know if that is rude – but that would be my suggestion. Or maybe instead of the actual wedding, she could host the rehersal dinner the night before or a brunch the day after – something to go along with the wedding festivities.
Post # 9
The party hasn’t happened yet. It will be this winter and then our wedding is 4 months after that.
It’s ironic because I was the main person advocating to include his family, during the initial stages of the wedding planning. I thought that it was special and important. We did have to limit it somewhat to immediate, aunts/uncles and first cousins, but still. We spent lots of time finding a venue that could hold everyone that was within our budget. And her doing this felt kind of like a slap in the face. Like the wedding that we were planning still wasn’t good enough.
But the thing is, I honestly don’t think she sees it that way. She has a good heart and often over extends herself for other people. My Fiance told her that none of this was necessary, but she went forward with it anyways. I’m just kind of crushed that it has turned out to be too much like our wedding. Why not a huge backyard bbq or something?!