Post # 1
Me, my mom and my BF went on a short triip this weekend to visit my aunt. Everything was great until we were on our way back. Somehow the subject of tax refunds came up and my mom asks him if he was going to use it to buy me a ring. Jeez mom, way to be subtle about it lol I knew he was upset that she asked him about it sinced it’s a sensitive subject right now so i was cringing. He told her of course he did but didn’t say another word the rest of the way home.
So, we got home and him and I talked for an hour about everything. He was upset because she flat out asked him about a ring, not what his intentions and goals were in terms of our relationship. I totally understand this since we know we want to get married and that is what we are working towards right now. He also said he wants to take me ring shopping (which he has NEVER asked me to do before) but I’m not sure if we shoudl go since he doesn’t have any money saved for it yet. This is due to a medical bill that he is trying to pay off but is finally close to it. It really hurt him that she was nagging about a ring and that she would go with him to pick one out. I know I’ve bugged about a ring but he said I have a right to know since we are the ones in the relationship, not her.
I go back inside and talk to my mom how rude it was to put BF on the spot like that. She said she thinks that he is not committed to me and how moody he gets (he does get moody but don’t we all?). I told her after mroe than 6 years she thinks he is not committed and that we are very committed to each other. She says that she doesn’t see any concrete evidence of it meaning a ring). Doesn’t she realize that it’s not about the ring but the meaning and intentions behind the ring?? She has never been like this ever so I think my aunt might have said something to her, putting some ideas in her head.
Thanks for reading Bees, this was a lot longer than I thought it would be. I could use some advice, I feel like I’m caught between my BF and my mother. I’m an only child so I know she is very overprotective, plus I live at home so her and I are always together. I’ve tried talking to her but that did no good. How can I get her to leave it alone and see that he has good intentions and we are doing what is right for us, that I am not wasting my time waiting for him? Also, shoudl we go ring shopping even though he has no money saved? I think it would be good so he can see how much he would need to save but at the same time I think it would make me sad to know it would still be awhile before I receive one. What do you ladies think?
Post # 3
@wishingonadream04:If I were you I’d be kind of glad your mom said something, it will get him thinking. He probably was a little shocked how she said it but he will get over that. 6 years is a long time and your mom might be worried you’re getting “strung along” she is your mother and doesn’t want to see you hurt.
I would say they both have valid points, point out the wrong and right to each of them, get them to see eachothers point of view. Your mom knows it’s not the ring but what it means, but how can you truely say you’re “engaged” without a symbol, maybe not a ring but some sort?
Don’t put yourself in the middle, and don’t take sides, be Switzerland! Good luck!
Post # 4
@krazykat12: Thanks for the great advice. I didn’t think of it that way, that it would make him think more seriously about getting plans in motion. My mom does have a valid point about him stringing me along, but that is definitely not the case here. We are definitely in a solid place right now to finally get engaged and get married. We were only 20 when we first started dating and 27 now so we were very young to even think about marriage the first few years.
I wanted to add that my mom mentioned my cousin’s engagement when she was asking when he was getting me a ring. My cousin dated his Fiance for just under two years when he proposed to his Fiance (they are about 3 years younger than us) but that is their relationship, not ours. I admit, I’m totally jealous they “got their first’ and it hurts like hell, but I know our time is coming. I just don’t know if my mom sees this as some sort of competition or what.
Post # 5
@wishingonadream04:I bet she probably just knows how you feel about your cousin’s situation. Your mom is on your side here, I know you might not actually be getting strung along but she may see it that way. Most couples that start dating pretty young end up waiting longer to get married, most of the time! Maybe it’s b.c they get comfortable taking their time or for other reasons like finances. In your case it’s probably age and finances.
I wouldn’t beat your mom up over it, yes should could of said it different but sometimes the blunt way is the way to go. I’m sure that now your (soon to be) Fiance knows that even other people are wondering when this is going to happen, he is trying to speed it up! Which is a good thing! Maybe he can’t buy a ring financially right now, but looking and finding out how much he needs to start saving is probably on his mind!
Post # 6
Yeah- I kinda side with your mother on this one- I would have been happy if ANYONE said anything to my SO on my behalf instead of me having to do it myself- but all in all, I can see why your BF would be put off by her directly putting him on the spot- but sometimes that kind of forwardness is good for him and to get the ball rolling.
Post # 7
I think your mom has a right to ask – YOU. Does she not know that putting your BF on the spot just makes you AND him uncomfortable? Only child you may be, but you’re an adult, and your relationship is your relationship. She can express any concerns, but seriously, 6 years is honestly nothing as some relationships go. In the 1940s, my BF’s grandparents took 7 years before getting engaged/married, and they were uber traditional. The last thing you need right now is for your BF to get it into his head he’s marrying into a pushy Mother-In-Law, or even worse, that YOU will be making him uncomfortable in the same manner once 40+ years have passed.
I have no problem with a few pointed questions now and then (and personally, I hope for a well framed question now and then) , but the asker, if trying to help the couple move orward, needs to be aware of they manner in whcih he or she asks, and understand that seeming “naggy” or pushy or negative could backfire and make things worse for the couple. At best case, the man sees the questions his lady is fielding almost daily at times, especially when someone else close is getting married soon, but at worst it just reinforvces his ideas that it’s all about a ring and a party.
I agree the relatinship is far more important than the ring or piece of paper, but both of those symbols SHOW, not tell the world where you both stand, and when one or both are missing in action, it sends a signal to relatives and friends that something is “wrong”, so moms will speak up at times.
Post # 8
Parents will be parents. My parents and my husband’s parents have on way more then 1 occasion had vomit of the mouth.
Your BF will get over it, just say “yeah, thats just mom.”
She was not ill intended, she is just opinionated and wants the best for her daughter 🙂
To answer your second ques, I think shopping for a ring w/o saving is putting the cart before the horse. I think it will drive you nutty once you find something you like, and to have to wait and save after the fact. I would wait if I were you.
Post # 9
I’m sorry to say this but your mom way out of line. This is not her business…I would be so angry at my mom. If you know you’re committed to getting married, that’s all that matters. It’s nobody else’s business.
Post # 10
@wishingonadream04: Here’s a neat post from a while back with a “Letter to those who know a waiting woman”:
If you have any trouble explaining to your mom how her well-meant comments (Maybe it just means she feels enough like he’s her son to be blunt?) could hurt you and your BF and make him put off.
It’s also great for any other friends or relationsion who what to know WHEN, and keep pecking away at you.
Post # 11
@wishingonadream04: I don’t think your mom was wrong for asking him about the ring, however I think she was wrong to ask him in front of you. I think it’s natural for a mom to voice concern and even though it may seem like it’s just about the ring, the reality is that the ring for many people is the symbol of the commitment and the first gesture towards showing your intention to marry someone.
At the same time, I can really understand why your BF would be upset. It would be very uncomfortable to be put on the spot like that in front of you. Maybe if he had been alone with your mom, he would have felt more comfortable discussing his intentions in regards to a ring.
For the time being, I would just try to stay out of the middle. I would ask your mom to respect you and stay out of it, or at the very least talk to your BF one-on-one about any concerns she may have. I would remind your BF that you’re not in control of your mom and that you don’t agree with her behavior.
As for ring shopping, even though he doesn’t have the money I would still go, so that your BF has an idea not only of what you like but how much things cost, and just to learn about diamond quality (assuming you’re getting a diamond), etc. It’s like doing the same reasearch one may do before buying a car, you know? Plus, it may be fun!
Sorry that your mom put your BF on the spot like that and now you’re in the middle. That’s not cool.
Post # 12
@CurlyDreamer: I agree with shopping even before any savings has been maanged – he needs to know a goal for savings, and also, you might like somehting far more affordable than he’d imagine. It’s a good way for him to get an idea of what fits your hand, what size you are, and what styles you are partial to. I kinda like the idea of him seeing, maybe from multiple stores, a variety of styes you like so you can still be surprised, since that seems to be very important to the man.
Post # 13
I would have been cringing like crazy had that happened to me. But I think your mother’s concerns are legitimate. I think I would drop this for now, what’s done is done. And hey it may be just the jump start he needed. It seems to be working, since he’s now considering ring shopping.
As for that I say go. Sounds like fun, plus might get him more focus on saving. I’d try online browsing first. Just to give him an idea of what you like and price ranges, etc.
Post # 14
Thanks ladies for all the wonderful advice. I feel a lot better now that I was able to get some outside opnions on things. I think maybe my mom was right but the way she said it was completely out of line. It could have definitely been worded better but, i think it did finally give BF a kick in the rear to get things going. I’m so glad I got you ladies on the Bee to vent to 🙂
Post # 15
@Isilme: I jsut read the post you linked to. I love it, it’s exactly how I feel and wish I could say to people. I wish all the people who ask us ladies in waiting about when we are getting engaged would read this so they could see how much it bothers us to hear it all the time.
Post # 16
I totally get where you are coming from on this one. My mom does things like that all the time. My boyfriend and I have only been together for a year and a half though. My mom and most of my family says that we can’t officially be engaged with no ring, so even though we already have a wedding date and a deposit paid on the venue for next June. Anyway, my mom has been seeing a man for just over a month and was just given a 2 carat ring last week. It really got to me at first because my boyfriend is trying to save money to buy me a modest engagement ring in the midst of being laid off and we are barely making ends meet at the moment while her now fiance has deep pockets and is willing to literally buy her the world. I just finally had to step back and breathe a little, this is MY wedding and I shouldn’t have to feel jipped because of anyone else’s happiness. The same goes for you. Your wedding is the happiest day of your life, even if your cousin’s moment came slightly before yours, your moment will still be the HAPPIEST of your life. When everyone else is constantly putting their crap on you it’s hard to be happy making your own decisions but if you are in love, and your SO is truly the one, no amount of nagging is going to change it. Goodluck. 🙂