(Closed) Drama Bridal Shower

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

Sorry, dani- it’s really hard to read such a long post with no paragraph breaks.  I think I made it a few lines in before I got lost… breaking it up a bit might get you more responses?

Post # 4
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am sorry to hear about you shower. I think sometiems people do know enough or haven’t been to enough bridal shower to know how to throw one. And family often loses sight of the big picture. It sounds like you have a great guy though and your relationship is extremely supportive.  

Post # 5
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I’m sorry you had this experience. Quite frankly I would be more concerned with the behavior of your sisters than your Future Mother-In-Law. It is obvious that FMIL’s actions were simply caused by trying to do something nice for you, but sister #1 is acting like a petulant jealous baby and sister #2 just didn’t have enough consideration to be on time. I don’t wish to disparage your family at all, but I do encourage you to take a long, hard look at this dynamic before placing the blame of stress on the wrong person.

Post # 6
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with MrsDavis. I read through it, mostly, though.

Future Mother-In-Law:
I think you might wish to ask your Future Mother-In-Law what help she’ll need to have the rehearsal dinner run smoothly (or have your fiance ask her). "Spin" your question into concern: indicate you are worried she didn’t enjoy herself at the shower, so you want her to be able to enjoy herself at the dinner. Then offer your assistance so the dinner runs smoothly and Future Mother-In-Law can enjoy herself. If you / your fiance can’t do this, then there’s not much else you can do (unless you highjack the rehearsal dinner, which would not be good).

Your sister:
Could you nicely ask why she was so late and unable to assist with the shower? Are you close enough to ask this without causing offense? If you are close, maybe you should speak to her about how it made you feel when she commented on your gifts, saying she already had them. She may not realize how her comments sounded! Also, you may wish to ask your sister if she wishes a bridesmaid to assist her with her Maid/Matron of Honor roles. Cite concern that she was unable to help at the shower because she was running behind, so you want her to not be stressed before/during the wedding. Then, you’ll have to have a bridesmaid who is willing to step up and help. I think most good friends would do that!

Your mom:
Was she late due to health reasons? If so, fine. If not, why was she so late? You could tell her that it hurt you that she was unable to arrive on time at your shower. Is your mom chronically late? If this is the way your mom usually is, then maybe you can’t rely on her assistance in the future wedding plans. You’ll have to delegate duties she would normally do, or that she has already offered to do, to other folks.

Just be calm and rehearse what you’re going to say, if you do decide to approach these family / future family members. You don’t want to cause offense.  You want to offer your assistance out of concern that they won’t be able to enjoy themselves. Don’t drink before you confront anyone! It won’t help.

I believe in honesty, so if it were my sister or mom or Future Mother-In-Law, I’d probably say something. Try to be extra polite and considerate, because they may not have realized their actions hurt you. And, if a friend, my mom, etc, were to say it to me, I’d consider what they say. But you have to consider how YOUR family would react.

Post # 7
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ditto on the paragraphs!!

I think that I’d have your fiance talk to his mother, especially if she is supposed to be planning or setting up something wedding related in the future.  Be gentle, but see what can be done to make things run smoother, and let her know that you appreciate the help.

Post # 9
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

yikes, people are on here trying to help you and you are being pretty rude. 

Post # 10
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I am going to start off by telling you that snapping back at people trying to help you here is not really the way to go.  You posted for advice/venting, and they are simply telling you its hard to read one really long sentence.  Clearly you are a little more than stressed.  Which makes me wonder how you yourself can handle stress?  Now, as for your Future Mother-In-Law, keep in mind that everything was thrown at her.  She offered to help, not be in charge of the entire thing.  Knowing how hard shower planning is, you should cut her a break.  SHe did the best she could do, alone.  If you were unable to eat certain foods, your Fiance should have told her that.  SHe probably made what she knew how to make.  Yes, maybe she gets a little stressed being in charge of things, so what?  A lot of people do.  Tell her you appreciate all her work.  As for everyone else, unfortunately life gets in the way.  Your mom is ill, which I presume is unexpected.  Its not like she did it on purpose.  Your sisters sound rather selfish, but sometimes sisters are like that.  I can’t imagine they acted any differently than they normally do?  Tell those two how you feel, but don’t freak out on them.  So yes, your shower could have gone better.  But, honestly, you are lucky you had one.  Not everyone gets one.  As for the leftover food/flowers and stuff, if the aunt hosted the party, she should get the stuff, in my opinion.  I think you should take a step back, breathe, look at the whole picture, and appreciate what you did have.  And, yes, offer some help to the Future Mother-In-Law for the next event.

Post # 11
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

honestly, it sounds like you and your family all need to be medicated or something.  whats done is done, you cant do anything about it so why are you stressing.  Your sisters are selfish and jealous — did you perhaps act the same way at their wedding causing them to want to retaliate?   You need to just put this behind you, offer to help Future Mother-In-Law with the rehearsal dinner, and look forward to your wedding and life with your husband

Post # 12
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

And to add to the advice from the ladies above, I’d suggest learning how to deal with adversities with grace and poise, not knocking back shots of tequila at the first sign things aren’t going your way.

Post # 13
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think MrsDavis has a great point. Not everyone in our lives has the same expectations for wedding events as we do, or really even understands how to host a proper shower. At 27, I can only say I have general ideas about how to host one, which are easily different from yours, MrsDavis’, etc. Your Future Mother-In-Law was probably not clear on what to do and had the stress of being asked to take over last minute. If anything, I am sure she will be more prepared for the rehearsal because she has had more time to plan. If you are worried about how she will handle it, you can always kindly offer to help her with related tasks. You will look like an angel for offering and she will be better able to host  the kind of event you are dreaming of.

I am not sure where to start with your relationship with your sisters, but if those relationships are important to you, you may want to have a heart to heart with them about their behavior. It always helps to speak in "I" statements (e.g. I felt hurt when you were late because I felt like my party was not important to you) than to place blame on people.

Finally, The point of this board is not to criticize one another, but to help one another, so I will keep this brief; this goes for the poster as well as for the responders. If you post on the board, you need to expect that you may not like every answer that you hear, but it is up to everyone involved to be kind.

Good luck, and at the end of the day, no matter what has happened in the past, you have a lifetime of new memories to make with your wonderful hubby-to-be. 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Hey guys… let’s stay focused on the topic at hand, and away from personal attacks or snarkiness.  Otherwise, we’ll have to close out comments on this thread…

Post # 15
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I think that the best way to deal with a wedding is to not expect much from anyone – this sounds crazy, but I feel like we have crazy high expetctaions and you can’t/should not expect others to have those too.

ignore your family issues from now till the wedding ,if they arrive late, start the wedding without them. SERIOULSY! If you warn them about being late before hand they will just call you a bridezilla, BUT if you start the wedding without them it will embarrass them because EVRYONE will see their tardiness! Yay! for embarrassing tardy people!

to the rest: Knowing that this person was so upset and pointing out paragraphs to her—tacky –that stuff only happens on the knot–dont make this the knot!…if you had a wedding crisis im sure you might forget a return here and there!

 

Post # 16
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

As a girl with a couple of less than dependable family member (my dad is bi-polar and my mil is disabled. Sometimes she can get around and sometimes she can’t), I can tell you that the best thing I ever did for myself and my sanity was creating back up plans. For instance, due to my brother/bridal escort having freaking 5 point racing seat belts in his car, I couldn’t image trying to ride to the facility in his car with my dress. So, I asked my dad hoping that it would help him feel included. But since I knew he has a tendency to flake (being the daughter of a diagnosed bi-polar isn’t easy!) I had my mom and a couple of my friends who would be at the house on alert so that I could ride with one of them if something happened.

My Mother-In-Law was planning on overseeing the set up and break down of the facility. She wasn’t feeling well the day before and was stressed from having family staying with her (stress doesn’t help her disability), we decided at the rehearsal dinner that my friend who was already planning to do some day of coordination for us would take over (which was something I’d already had in the back of my mind).

My best advise, don’t soley depend on someone who has been undependable in the past. Try everything you can to set youself and those around you up for success. I’m not saying don’t give them responsabilities, just have someone ready to pick up the slack if need be. I’d confide in some of your close friends and let them know that you need them to be on alert at the rehearsal and wedding in case you need them. And keep them updated on the plans so that if they need to step in and help they have an idea of what is going on.

Good luck!

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