(Closed) Drama is beginning to unfold

posted 11 years ago in 20 Something
  • poll: Should I be less worried about myself and more concerned for my friends' weddings?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 46
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    If you think you’re ready to get married to your boyfriend, that’s totally your decision.  Yes, a lot of people think 18 is too young to get married, maybe from past experience or experiences of their friends or family, but ultimately it’s your decision.

    When I was 18, I was dating an abusive (in all aspects) boy who I thought I wanted to marry and have children with.  Thank goodness I didn’t. 

    Trust me, you have LOTS of time.  You say you’ve been dating your boyfriend for SO long…2 years might feel like a long time for an 18 year old, but some people have waited 5 years+ for their engagements!  Enjoy your youth!  I’m 24 and will be 25 by the time our wedding rolls around.  I feel like I grew up way too fast because of my last relationship, so really, enjoy the fact that you’re 18, and when the ring comes, it’ll come.

    Post # 47
    Member
    93 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I agree with so many of the other bees, 18 is such a young age to be thinking about getting married (or worried that you are not) there is so much about the world that you still need to see and explore before you worry about getting tied down for the rest of your life. If you have an awesome bf that you want to be with forever then enjoy being together as a couple and enjoy all the wonderful things about being 18, 19, 20, 21, 22… and don’t wish those awesome years and experiences away wanting to be older than you are. I am so happy with my Fiance now but I would not give up all of the lessons I learned and all of the fun I had in my early 20’s for anything. 🙂

    Post # 48
    Member
    2767 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m going to go a little against the grain, and agree with a lot that’s been said. 

    That is a LOT of weddings to go to, let alone be in. It’s crazy to me that you have that many friends getting married! I was only in one wedding at your age. But being around that many weddings could probably drive you a little crazy. 

    Take some time to not think about weddings or marriage. Enjoy the relationship you have now, and let it unfold a little as you adjust to the way life changes so rapidly at this age. 

    This is coming from someone who was engaged at 19, and will be married at 22. So I obviously see marriage as a valid option for certain people at the right age. Everyone is different, of course, but I really cherish the time I had living on my own with a roommate, etc. (Of course, I wouldn’t go back to it now, but that’s another story!)

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with opening a conversation about marriage, but don’t let it consume you. Timing is important for both of you, and there’s a good chance that he may not be ready. What really helped my fiance and I was having a talk about what marriage meant to both of us, and what our “musts” were before marriage – such as financial independence, our undergrad degrees, etc. If we hadn’t lived together when we made that list, living together for at least a year would have been on there too. 

    Bottom line is it’s your life. None of us know your circumstances, and we can only offer the most helpful comments possible from our collective life experiences. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    1961 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    @Miss Taco Night: I see what you’re saying.  I think the reason why people tend to use 25 as a cut off age is by that time you’ve left home, graduated from college, and had a few years of working under your belt…then typically the next step would be to get married.  I 100% agree that it needs to be about the emotional maturity of two people.  I don’t doubt for a minute that there are younger brides that are really ready to get married and you sound like one of them.  You have your degree, stability, and are ready to move on to the next stage in life, so by no means am I trying to pull the “you’re way too young to get married” card.  25 is like a gray fuzzy line.  You get within a few years of it and the maturity level towards marriage can go either way….I still stand by the 18 being way too young though.  I have yet to meet an 18 year that proved that they were mature enough to get married…with the exception of my parents, all 18 year olds that got married that young are now divorced.  It’s sad really.  Had they waited just a few years, they probably could have married that same person and made it work.  They just needed to grow up a bit. 

    Post # 50
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    All I want to say is LIVE LIFE. I am not married but I have been with my SO on/off for 6 years out of my 24 years of life. We broke up in college because he wanted to experience life. This was the best thing that happened to me, I dated other people, partied hard, traveled, and the best part about it, I didn’t have to worry about a man at home. 

    I’m not saying dump your SO, I’m saying to live some more without being tied down. By allowing each other to grow made our relationship that much stronger when we got back together. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    @JsDragonfly: Yes, I definitely agree with you – the fuzzy gray line is a good way to describe it. Our parents and grandparents marriages might have worked at 18 or 19 because it was a lot more common back then (there were not as many people in college, they started working right out of high school and, in some ways, became adults sooner, etc).

    I was just trying to stick up a little bit for the young-ish brides who have all the other stuff out of the way (partying, college education, good job, house etc). But you’re right – a lot of “young marriages” that end would probably have worked out if the couple would’ve just waited a few years. While I’m obviously happy to be engaged now, I wasn’t in any rush and would have been okay with waiting a couple of years too.

    Bottom line, no one should rush into marriage, especially at 18. There’s just no need.

    /thread hijacking over Smile

    Post # 52
    Member
    3340 posts
    Sugar bee

    I don’t think it’s a matter of age.  It’s a matter of your own maturity and growth, and the characterization of your relationship with your BF.

    My brother and SIL got married when they were 18.  They are still happily married with three kids.  Were they mature back then?  Not really.  Was their relationship unshakable?  No.  They saw a marriage counselor for the first three or four years so that they could learn to grow emotionally with one another.

    Would I have been ready at 18?  I had already been proposed to.  But I wanted more than that relationship was giving me and I knew it would just be settling.  I’ve always known when I was in a relationship that I was settling for.  When I finally met DH, it just clicked.  I knew that we would be together.  And at that point marriage didn’t matter.  That’s when I knew I was ready and it was right.

    So don’t look for your validation here.  There are plenty of horror stories about “kids” getting married “too young” and then getting divorced.  There are just as many 40 year olds getting divorced.  It’s not your age, but your devotion to each other and whether or not your relationship makes you both better people and better to each other, or not.

    Post # 53
    Member
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I am not going to tell you that 18 is too young to get engaged. But I am going to tell you that getting married is more than just having a wedding and that it is darn easy to be jealous of all the happines and attention you see your friends having at their weddings. My advice is to relax and enjoy being young. If you are meant to get engaged, it will happen! There is plenty of time to settle down!

    Post # 54
    Member
    3982 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    FH will turn 26 on our honeymoon! i will still be 24. Sometimes i still think i might be a little young..but i have seen and done alot since i was 18. it really amazes me how much you change in your likes and as a person in just a couple years. i would recommend waiting…if its meant to be it will happen but girl you have soooo much living to do!!

    Post # 55
    Member
    233 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Wow…if I would have been engaged at 18…20…25…(all times when I KNEW I was ready and with the RIGHT man) I never would have met the man of my dreams and gotten engaged to him! In fact, I could have been stuck on an island (not as fun as it sounds) or stuck with horrible inlaws who treated me like crap or, worse, stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship!

    Give it some time! I’ll be 28 on my wedding day and my FH will be 30…we’re still freaked out about it, but we both have seen a lot of friends married and divorced (some with kids) in the time we took to wait and find each other!

    Post # 56
    Member
    996 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’m not going to say anything about being young, because honestly, I come from a community where people get married young as well (the majority before 25).

    What I am going to say is that you need to talk to your bf if you haven’t already. Don’t pressure him, but just see where he is at…

    I think the last thing you would want is a ring solely because he felt like he ‘had’ to.

     

    Best of luck!

    Post # 57
    Member
    1374 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I just really hope the OP isn’t going to cling on to the two or three posts with “I knew someone who got married at 18 and they’re doing GREAT!” posts while ignoring all of the rest because they contain advice she doesn’t want to hear.

    I understand the good intentions behind these posts but telling an 18 year old that wants to get married that you know someone who did it and is now blissfully happy probably isn’t a Good Thing because for the vast majority of 18 year olds out there, it’s really not.

    Post # 58
    Member
    285 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I guess there isn’t much that hasn’t been said before. I dated the same person from when I was 15 until I was 19 and that is NOT the person I married. He ended up turning into a total jerk and changed once we hit college. He took a lot of turns for the worse, go into drugs and cheated on me A LOT! I totally thought we were going to get married. Soooo thankful we didn’t. His relationship delayed me long enough to meet the man of my dreams a few short months after our break up :). Don’t stress. People tell me I am still young (almost 24). I am the first in my group of friends to get married and my friends are just now pairing off into serious relationships. No rush to do something because everyone else is. In the long run you can take this time to figure you out and grow closer together without putting the pressure of marriage on everything.

    Post # 59
    Member
    1707 posts
    Bumble bee

    Being what apparently a lot of the PP’s would consider young I will say that this decision can be made by you and your BF only. In the end you two are creating your own new family and before anything else the two of you need to be on the same page.

    My BF and I are the same age difference as the two of you and we were together for 2 years also when I was 18 and he was 22. We knew long before that, that we were potentially with our lifelong partner. We talked about, and then we talked some more, and then it became part of our everyday conversation. We discussed hopes, dreams, children, discipline, money, our parents, his parents, how they affected us and on and on and on.

    Did we get married then? No. I wanted so badly to get out of my moms’ house, go to college, drink, party, meet new friends, learn new things, etc. I wanted to be with him but I also wanted to be 18. He understood that and encouraged me to do those things. Had we been married I would have felt like I couldn’t do those things because being a wife to me means actingas an adult and I just wasn’t ready to stop acting like an idiot sometimes. I had to own the fact that I still desperately wanted to be out having a great time but knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with BF.

    So I did what made sense to me. We stayed together, we continued to talk about marriage and we took baby steps towards it. We moved in together, we got a pet, and now we are doing or research and close to getting engaged. I’m glad I waited and I’m even more glad he has been here along the way. We have both grown up together and I prefer it that way. It has taught us a lot of lessons on compromise and patience.

    I see no reason not to talk about it and have that as an ultimate goal. Live your life though. Don’t you want to be able to enjoy your champagne toast at your wedding? Don’t you want to be able to go out with your boyfriend when you finally do get engaged? Work on it. You will never stop working on your relationship so take this time to prep your relationship for when those new steps come along.

    Post # 60
    Member
    5166 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Level of maturity matters the most.. but age does matter too.. the majority of 18 year olds arent ready for marriage. of course there are exceptions and some people are very ready for marriage at 18, but those are few and far between. You should get married because it is the right time for you to do so rather than just because everyone else is having a wedding. WHen I was 18 I thought I knew who I was going to marry and I was very wrong

    The topic ‘Drama is beginning to unfold’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors