(Closed) drama over missing wedding

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What should I have done?
    got it together, found a dress that fit, and gone to the wedding : (36 votes)
    29 %
    contacted her another way - see comment : (15 votes)
    12 %
    not contacted her at all : (8 votes)
    6 %
    nothing different, you're fine, she's wrong : (65 votes)
    52 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1626 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    The only possible other way may have been to tell SIL/MIL but let them tell the bride by word of mouth. But either way, the bride completely, utterly, and insanely overreacted.  she probably has some SERIOUS issues aside from this. Perhaps she’s jealous of your very close relationship with her new in-laws? Has a dramatic issue with her own family?

    Post # 4
    Member
    1333 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

    Life is unpredictable!  you did all you could.  She sounds over dramatic and immature to me.  Good luck dealing with her in the future!!

    Post # 5
    Member
    517 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    She sounds nutso. Just out of curiosity and seeing how I might react if it was my situation, how many months preggers were you?

    Post # 6
    Member
    1141 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I don’t know, I think if it was me I would have gone anyway but that’s over. I can see her point about everyone’s concern for you overshadowing her wedding. She probably wanted to feel the center of attention and there may have been jealousy issues to begin with. I don’t think what your sister in law said helped matters. I see her side of it in that she wanted to be welcomed into the family and is probably feeling second class. Now having said this I think she being over the top dramatic and the family is being put in a tough spot, especially mil and fil. Maybe write her a letter, send flowers whatever, let her know how sorry you are. It probably won’t work but maybe in time she’ll calm down.

    Post # 7
    Member
    11419 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Although it isn’t polite to not follow through with a commitment to attend an event, there certainly are various, understandable circumstances that should be viewed as valid excuses to fail to appear at the last minute.  I think your situation definitely qualifies, and I think the fact that you took the time to send your regrets the morning of the wedding is commendable. You knew that those involved in the wedding, particularly the bride, would not have time for lengthy conversation that day, and you made every effort to ensure that key individuals were aware of your whereabouts and what had happened.

    Your brother-in-law’s wife is completely wrong for the selfish, self-absorbed, immature manner in which she is behaving, and she is only going to alienate her husband’s family by issuing such an ultimatum.  If she insists upon making the family choose between the two of you, it will be she who loses, not you.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee

    But she just kept talking about how selfish and immature I was.

    At exactly that point, the perfect thing to do would have been to hold up a mirror.

    Post # 9
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    1.) I think she overreacted with the calling you and cussing you out. It’s over and done, she was being a drama queen and plus, once you pull out the cuss words, that almost automatically puts you in the wrong. So she was way wrong for that

    2.) Probably I would have still gone because after planning my own wedding, I know people spend a lot per guest, but

    3.) Things happen and if you really are just too under the weather to make it, texting the bride the morning of was probably not the way to go. I would have just told another pertinent family member and left it at that. The whole “you overshadowed my wedding” thing was a bit dramatic  though, IMO

    Post # 10
    Member
    146 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    She’s crazy.  Let it go and move on to more important things.

    Post # 11
    Member
    986 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would be furious with you.  Not for not coming, but for texting me on my wedding day.  You could have contacted someone else.   I would have been mildly upset that you didn’t attend and I had to pay for your meal.  She completely overreacted with the either/or threat.  But, I can’t say that I would be thrilled with you showing up to look at my pictures either.

    Post # 12
    Member
    11233 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Eh, while RSVPing yes and then not going sucked, a) you tried to tell her that you couldn’t be there, b) extenuating circumstances, and c) what a selfish, spoiled, dramatic little brat for not being concerned about you/calling you from the honeymoon to bitch at you/deleting your email without reading it. If this was my wedding, I would have called you ASAP to see what was wrong/if you were okay/etc. Yes, it’s my wedding day, but I’m not selfish enough, even on that day, to not think about the wellbeing of others. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @Brielle:  Agreed.

    The only thing that I would add is that I hope you sent flowers or that you’re sending a nice gift to her.  She’s acted like an idiot, but I still would try to smooth things over because she’s now family.

    Your SIL’s comment wasn’t a good idea (how is this woman going to ever come around the family again knowing that they don’t like her?) and also…(and this isn’t your fault) I think that the idea that the mother of the groom would leave her son’s wedding is kind of awful for anything less than a life or death situation.  

    Anyway, you did what you could.  She reacted poorly.  If she had just been disappointed, I think that we all could understand that…I’d even understand if she asked you what happened…but this reaction is over the top crazypants.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1755 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Honestly, just very pregnant, death in the family, not feeling well, I’d feel better knowing you’d staye home because I’d be worried about you.

    I’d be a bit annoyed if someone texted me on the morning of the wedding, just because it’s such a stressful and busy time!  I think calling your SIL and having her pass along your regrets would have been ample to cover it.  However, even though the texting would have irritated me, I’d have let it go and would certainly understand you missing. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2031 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I would have done the SAME thing as you, no matter who the bride was.  Is a text the best way to communicate?  Maybe not BUT as a bride she could also have been extremely busy and not able to answer a phone call, so a text may have been the best way.  Either that, or say nothing to her and ask SIL or Mother-In-Law to pass along the message, so I think it was actually rather thoughtful that you attempted to tell her personally, especially since you couldn’t speak because you were so upset.  No, I would have absolutely done the same thing.  This woman is INSANE, and spoiled and it’s going to become clear really quick who will be invited to family functions and who won’t be.  Which will cause resentment between her husband and her, I would imagine…so basically she is in for quite the rude awakening.  

    Stick to your guns, no more apologizing (you’ve done it enough, to continue it is just mean of her) or offering to leave if she’s somewhere.  This is HER issue, not yours.  

    Post # 16
    Member
    2031 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I guess I’m in the minority, I wouldn’t be annoyed if someone texted me on my wedding day, I’d actually be appreciative so that later on I wasn’t wondering where so and so was…I don’t see the big deal.

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