Post # 1
So, I know this is only like my third post but I have been lurking for a long time and always see you ladies give such great advice and kind words when someone needs them so I am posting this just to vent and hope that someone might have some advice or kind words for ME.
My father and I have never been close. He was a drug addict for most of my childhood and would often put that and his other hobbies before spending time with me. He has an alright relationship with my older brother but I feel like he just did not know how to handle a little girl. As I got older the relationship great more and more distant. He has never really supported me in my decisions, he is negative about everything and he can be very selfish. I rarely talk to him anymore because whenever I do he makes mean comments about my weight, job, and other decisions I have made in my life.
My mother on the other hand has always been there for me and we are very close. She has been dating a wonderful man for about 8 years now and he has always been a great father figure for me. He is very involved with the wedding planning and is even buying my dress for me. My father on the other hand had this to say when I told him about my September wedding “Thats a really busy time for me at work, dont know if I can make it”
I gave it a lot of thought and for me it means more to have my “stepdad” give me away at the wedding. I asked him to do the honors and he said that even if he has to be wheeled down the aisle that he will be there (he has a very bad back).
I told my father in a letter since we have never been able to communicate without him starting a fight and now he has since called me and left 4 messages basically telling me that he wants his “side of things” to be heard and considered and that being there to give me away is important to him but that if I stick with my decision to have “stepdad” do it, that my father will choose not to attend.
How do I camly tell him that a) my decision is already made and that I am ultimately doing what is right for ME and b) that if he is telling me that he wont be there unless he can give me away that I would rather he not come at all
??? I really dont want to fight with him but I tend to be a very emotional person and I dont know how to phrase this. I would really appreciate any adivce from anyone who might have gone through something similar.
Post # 3
For me, personally?
I would calmly tell him that you had made your decision, and while you hope he will still attend, you would prefer that your stepdad walk you down the aisle.
If you really don’t want him to come, then you might say something like “I’m sorry that you’re having such a busy time at work, but I can send you some pictures if you’d like.”
I probably wouldn’t out and out tell my Dad not to come, but I might subtly let him know that in light of your rocky past relationship with him, that you wanted someone who was there for you, who was involved in your life to do the honors. And if he wasn’t okay with that, then, well, too bad.
People are going to say “it’s your day”, and it is, but I really don’t think that gives brides carte blanche to have whatever they want. However, in this case, I believe it absolutely and without reservation is YOUR call.
Post # 4
I think you just need to tell your dad that your decision has been made but you still hope he can join in on your day.
I would not tell him you would rather him not come at all unless he walks you down the isle. He might be acting like a baby about the situation, but in the end I think you would still want your father to attend even though you have chosen your StepFather to walk you.
Post # 5
I am SO sorry you’re going through this, I can’t even imagine. I think you can communicate to him through whatever means you’re comfortable (another letter, phone call, whatever) that you’re sorry he’s upset, but that this is the right decision for you. You didn’t do this to hurt him and you do understand if he is unable to attend, though you hope he will be able to be there for your wedding. But make no bones about the fact that this is YOUR decision and you’ve already made it. From what you said, this really isn’t about him…you weren’t going to ask him to walk you down the aisle no matter what. This is about recognizing an important relationship in your life (with your stepdad) and thanking a man that has really been there for you and supported you. I’m so glad for you that your mom has chosen a man that has been so good to you! Be firm with your dad, but kind, because you will never regret kindness….and don’t back down, because you’ve made the right choice. Good luck, and happy wedding planning!
Post # 6
Thank you so much for your advice! I am going to sit down over the weekend and write down my thoughts and then I might call or I might just send another letter. At this point I dont feel like there is anything that I can say to him that will make any difference. My decision is already made and I had hoped that my father would respect it but I am realizing that might not be realistic.
I appreciate your input though, its good to get positive feedback. I know in my heart that what I have chosen is the right thing for me and its nice to be reassured.