(Closed) Drama with FI… (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) as I am sure this a hard time for you, and this is a difficult situation to write about / share

In My Humble Opinion, this relationship does seem to have too much Drama going on (and too many RED FLAGS)

When you are engaged to some one, LOVE (and life) should be tons easier.  There are plenty of years in your Relationship for difficulties in the future… mortgage, car payments, bills, kids, inlaws etc.

Honestly, I don’t think this man is the right man for you…

So as much as you don’t want to hear, move on… that is certainly my thoughts at this point in time.

PS… Staying in a Bad Relationship because of what others “might think”* is never a good choice… you need to be who you are in real-life, and take care of you.

*Note – Interesting that he is worried what others think when the two of you are out in public together although you are engage (that was a RED FLAG for me in regards to your relationship) … and you are concerned what they’ll think if you aren’t engaged.

In my world, I’d think… wow she got out of a relationship that wasn’t making her happy… period.  And that is a healthy choice at this point in time… BEFORE you marry him.

 

Post # 4
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@MsGosling510:  I’m so sorry to hear this.  First off he should never throw it in your face about your previous relationship, and also the fact he calls you bipolar (especially when he has family members that do suffer from this) and says you are a freak for expressing your feelings is not healthy. And I understand you must have a lot of pressure from your family about your last relationship ending but if you are only staying with current Fiance becuase of what your family think, well they wont be the ones living everyday in your relationship.  You are, it is your life. 

Post # 5
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry you’re hurting right now! From what you say, it sounds like he is lashing out at you because you are onto something and he doesn’t like it. My hunch is that he has some interest in this girl on LinkedIn and has been hostile with you because he knows what he is doing/hiding is wrong. Often when people are doing something they know they shouldn’t be, they can be quick to become overly defensive and will often make degrading comments to their partner when questioned. Him calling you a “fool” and throwing your past break up (which sounded like you absolutely made the right decision) in your face is classic cowardly, guilty behavior. Since he is the one who is doing something wrong (I’d try to find out more about this girl and what his connection and intention with her is) he is trying to take the focus off of him and put it on you and your “flaws”. (Which aren’t flaws – he is just trying to gaslight you.)

Post # 6
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MsGosling510:  He is an emotionally abusive jerk.  You want to live with that for the rest of your life?  For starters, he’s not taking your feelings seriously.  Beyond that though, when you do express your feelings and concerns, he tries to convince you that you’re mentally ill?  Inexcusable.

It sounds to me you don’t love him, can’t trust him, and he’s abusive.  What’s the point in staying with this prick?

Run, long and far, and don’t look back.  If your family has a problem with it, the hell with them.  They should be more concerned about your well-being than keeping up appearances.

Post # 7
Member
1728 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry you’re going through this – I’ve been in a similar situation before and it really makes your heart hurt. 🙁

I’m a huge believer in trusting your instinct. Just as you felt something wasn’t quite right last time and found out about the other girl… now you’re feeling the same way. It’s him, it’s not you.

It seems like he’s trying to throw all of these things at you to take the attention and suspicion off of him.

If you feel that you want to end the relationship, please do so. Your family will eventually understand. Even if they give you a hard time, it’s far better than living like this the rest of your life.

Hugs to you!

Post # 9
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I gotta agree with most of the PP’s here.  Staying with a verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive man just because you’re worried about your family might think will kill you. Not right away, but slowly, over time, eroding who you are and who you want to be. 

Not anywhere in your long post, did you talk about how much you love him.  So why are you marrying him? This should be a time where you’re so excited you should be bursting with joy!

You deserve more than having your past thrown in your face, called horrible names and made to feel like there’s something wrong w/ you. 

You deserve happiness. 

{EDIT: i just saw your updated post where you do talk about how you love him. But I want you to ask yourself one thing and be honest.  Ignoring how happy and in love in the past you’ve been, how do you feel RIGHT NOW. What is your gut telling you right now?  I ask this because you can’t live your life in the present based on how you felt in the past.  

Also, changing yourself to deal with his moods. Another red flag for me.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. *hug*)

Post # 11
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I think that PP may have been to quick to judge your Fiance. If you came at him in an accusatory way just because he added a girl and there has been no evidence of interaction between the two, then I can see why he reacted that way. You said your FI’s father is physically and verbally abusive. I wonder if maybe his father used to accuse him/his mother of things and got really nasty and the way you approached him reminded him of that. 

Linkedin is a professional networking site. If he is applying for a job where this girl works or used to work, it makes perfect sense for him to add her. 

As for him being distant, a lot of things could be going on. Work, family issues, he’s not feeling well, and so on. Give him the benefit of the doubt at least and try to talk to him to see what’s going on.

Also talking through texts about such heavy stuff is probably not the greatest idea. You can’t hear tone and inflection and can easily misjudge something he says. 

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee

That’s a good idea to let things cool off for a bit. Never a good idea to talk while heated.

Also want to add that the way he reacted and said nasty things to you was out of line. No matter how he felt about the way you approached him, he shouldn’t have been nasty.

Maybe try some counseling. I think all couples should go for some counseling even if they don’t have any issues. It makes the relationship stronger IMO.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope it works out in a way that’s best for you!

Post # 14
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re problems arn’t small at all! I’ve seen it so many times on this board, that marriage isn’t a magical solution and that all the proeblems that exist before the wedding, exist after, so we’re all here to help each other get through those tough times and hopefully move forward. 

I’m sorry if i came across as judgemental or harsh, but a lot of what you’ve described is quite serious to me. Telling you that he wouldn’t want to burden another man with you is crazy mean and I can’t even imagine how fully devistated you must have been when he said that, let alone the name calling, the trust issues.  I also agree w/ PP that texting is a terrible form to fight over.  Words alone can’t convey the emotion behind them and serious talks need to be done on person.  

It sounds like you really love him and you want to make it work, then I definitely second the counselling.  The reason changing yourself is a red flag to me, is because it take two people to move forward, and changing yourself is, in my opinion, is a band aid solution. But talking this all out with a 3rd party might help you two dig out the under lying issues that’s causing his moods and distance.

Post # 15
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MsGosling510:  You are defending him and his actions.  That’s your prerogative but you aren’t going to find too many people that think that’s healthy.  Even if things are good 99% of the time, there is no excuse for that kind of behavior.  I think you’re kidding yourself if you think this is a demonstration of love. 

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