MemberHe sounds like a horrible person. Could you really spend your life with someone who is emotionally abusive? What about raise children around him? You need to do what is best for YOU. Not your family, not him (since he doesn’t seem to care about you at all), but you.
MemberI think you need to find the courage to evaluate him the same way you did the first fiance. It will lead you to make the same tough choice.
The last thing you need to worry about is family “shame,” because no one else has to live with and put up with what you would have to put up with in that relationship. You can’t exchange the rest of your life just to keep people from talking smack.
If all the other things you are concerned about outweigh your eternal happiness, then you must shore up your own self esteem. You are more than your family’s reputation, more than the sum of one or two failed engagements. Look at Tom Cruise. he’s been married, what–three times? Does he care who’s talking smack about him? I doubt it.
It’s better for you to fail your engagment than fail your marriage. You don’t want to wind up with a divorce. how much more will that “shame” your family?
If your gut tells you something about this guy, it’s probably right.
MemberI am so sorry you are going through this. I am really concerned that he was being abusive to you and you say you read a book and changed yourself to counter it. Because when someone is abusive, THEY need to change.
Also, here’s the thing: your family don’t have to walk in your shoes and live your life. You do.
You say you love him, but it takes more than love. You need to feel loved, safe, happy, protected.
People screw up, sure, but it sounds like your Fiance has some ongoing problems. If he is turning into his dad, he needs to do something to stop it. He needs to fix that himself.
MemberI’ll share just a little bit of my story with you (but just a littel because I don’t want to hijack your thread LOL). I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with my ex-fiance, similar to your situation only with the mother in law from hell thrown in as well. I stayed with him because my family had spent so much money on our upcoming wedding, and because I didn’t want to quit. I stayed with him because I thought I loved him, and because I didn’t even realise I was being abused.
He then walked out on me 2 hours before we were due to get married. The moral of the story – listen to your gut instinct. If it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right. And be honest with yourself. Good luck 🙂
MemberI’m going to be completely honest with you right now. The way you describe this relationship, and how you feel in it, shows it’s doomed to fail, even if it just means that you have a lifetime of disappointment. I know what I’m talking about, I went ahead and married an asshole, and then had to go through a horrible legal process to get an annulment after he decided saying vows meant he could start punching me all the time. If you ignore the warning signs now, it will just get worse once you’re actually married. (and to be clear, this was the guy before Mr. SD)
The fact that he doesn’t want to show affection in public, that he gaslights you (downplays your valid emotions and tells you you’re crazy) that he’s more excited about being alone than with you are all warning signs. Is that really what you want out of a marriage? Ask yourself what you want for yourself for the next 40 years. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to model for your children. And the whole bullshit about blaming you for your past relationship? Why is that even his business? Why does it matter in this relationship? Breaking off an arranged marriage with a stranger because he turned out to be a jerk is NOT a bad reflection on you! And while I get that you’re concerned about your family’s reaction (and I’m trying to be mindful that it’s a whole different culture and mindset), do you really want to settle on something so huge to your personal satisfaction? Would their opinion really be enough to keep you miserable for the rest of your life? And if it wasn’t, say you did get married and found yourself so unhappy, could you see yourself getting a divorce? Just think it through, and try to be as rational and unemotional as possible.
And I’m sorry he’s being a jerk to you. No woman ever deserves to be made to feel they’re crazy, or unloveable.
MemberI’m so sorry that you have to deal with this stress. I am just wondering, why are you so worried about your family being ashamed? Do you really believe that they would place your happiness below their reputation? Do you live in an extremely religious community?
Marriage (just like babies) does not make life simpler and easier- it adds complication and even more stressors- you need to make sure you have a solid foundation and that you want to embark on the journey of life TOGETHER before you make that commitment.
Why don’t you see one another often? Maybe you should try living together to make sure that you can endure the day to day before you commit a lifetime?
Best of luck to you… if he has dealt with abuse and mental disorders in the past, perhaps therapy would be a good way for him to sort out those feelings and understand that he has the ability to hurt those around him- he might not even realize he’s lashing out at you- but that does not make it okay!
Memberwow…the guy said some nasty things but I hardly think the OP is living in a Lifetime movie!
I sincerely doubt that he had bad intentions when he added this girl—and if you assume the worst about people they’re bound to get defensive and nasty–doesn’t make it right-but not everyone is perfect
MemberI’m always wary of these kinds of posts. The beginning of your relationship should be a happy time. If he was verbally abusive right off the bat for whatever reason I would not take that as a good sign. And it doesn’t sound like things are getting any better.
I know it’s hard to fathom, but SCREW what everyone else thinks. This is YOUR LIFE we’re talking about.
MemberFirstly, I just wanted to say how strong and courageous you are for leaving the first Fiance with so much pressure to marry him. I can only imaging how brave you had to be to do that, and you are really an inspiration to other women who might be facing similar challenges. 🙂
With your situation, it sounds like you’re in the post-fight phase (which I know sux and feels horrible) so how about you use this week of your fasting time to also self reflect on what YOU want and whether being married to this man will make you happy in the long run. Taking into account all his faults, and it seems like u will probably have to deal w his baggage well into married life, is it still a situation you think would make u happy?
I agree w the girls here that he should never speak to you like that, and you shd never have to deal w his baggage from his father, but it seems sometimes we ladies unfortunately get this sort of baggage (that does not make it right though, of course). It sounds like you’re celebrating Ramadan at the moment, so try and take some time to enjoy the time w your family (and of course the fabulous feasting at the end :)), focus on yourself and what makes u happy and maybe think over what ppl have said here. Let us know how u go – good luck!
MemberThank you Girls for all your advice. I have a lot to think about obviously. But before I make any decisions i want to give some time to reflect in this month that i am fasting. I want to also consider counseling for both of us, then i can determine a better decision on whether or not this will succeed in the end.
I dont know if my post’s coming off as if the whole 4.5 years ive been with him its been like this. Bc honestly it hasnt. For the most part, I’ve never been happier than being with him in this relationship. And he feels the same. About 1.5 years ago he went through some horrible inhumane things with his father that caused the previous rough patch. That caused him taking his frustrations and angers out on me by verbally abusing me. It was such a hard time bc i was contemplating leaving him. His crazy father decided to knock down one wall in each of their rooms. His moms, his brothers, and his room. Saying he was “remodeling the house. For one month He and his fam had to sleep in their rooms without a wall preventing the harsh winter cold from seeping in. I remember him describing how he would go into bed. He wore 4 layers and wrapped several heavy blankets around himself. He would wake up super early to the daylight seeping in. All this while going to college fulltime during midterms and finals, and working, all on barely any sleep. He would snap at me for small things during all this. We fought a lot during this time. Well long story short, I almost gave up on the relationship, but then i felt stupid for not being there for him when he probably needed it the most. And I’m glad i did stay and figure out a way to counter his verbal abuse at the time. Him and brother and mom moved out and his mom divorced his father. After moving out things went back to normal. What I’ve noticed is that he definitley doesnt handle stress well.
There are several times throughout the relationship that i felt like we are definitely made for one another in many different ways. We definitely compliment one another. Of our whole 4.5 years being together, we’ve had 3 major fights (including this one) Well argue about stupid stuff here and there, but for the MOST of the relationship, its been great. He’s definitely being stupid now and screwed up for saying what he’s said to me.. And i’m not letting this pass easily bc its not ok. But I am explaining this to tell Bees that, this hasn’t been a verbally abusive relationship since the beginning which most of you probably think its been like this all 4.5 years. It’s come out in bursts during the worst times. Not saying its acceptable either. And not saying it doesnt raise red flags for me. And im not defending his actions.
Me and him only see one another once a week due to our working schedules. He works 2 jobs so he can save up for the wedding with me. He isn’t obligated to do it, but he wants to. When we see one another its fantastic. We always enjoy one another’s company. Any time we have had small arguments in the past, its been through text. Even our big fights, through text messaging. I know its obvious to cut it out, but its the only way we can communicate sometimes when we’re working all the time. And we can’t move in together due to our culture. Not til we get married.
But yeah, enough rambling, I’m taking into consideration many things, i appreciate all your help and concerns. It means a lot to me that the women here care about another woman’s problems. For now I’m giving it space and time as i do my fast for the month. Afterwards I am going to push for counseling, so this doesnt happen again, and if he doesnt want to cooperate, which would be ridiculous, then ill have to reconsider the marriage.
Thank you all!
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