(Closed) Drama with FI… (long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

He sounds like a horrible person. Could you really spend your life with someone who is emotionally abusive? What about raise children around him? You need to do what is best for YOU. Not your family, not him (since he doesn’t seem to care about you at all), but you.

Post # 18
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I think you need to find the courage to evaluate him the same way you did the first fiance. It will lead you to make the same tough choice.

The last thing you need to worry about is family “shame,” because no one else has to live with and put up with what you would have to put up with in that relationship. You can’t exchange the rest of your life just to keep people from talking smack.  

If all the other things you are concerned about outweigh your eternal happiness, then you must shore up your own self esteem. You are more than your family’s reputation, more than the sum of one or two failed engagements. Look at Tom Cruise. he’s been married, what–three times? Does he care who’s talking smack about him? I doubt it.

It’s better for you to fail your engagment than fail your marriage. You don’t want to wind up with a divorce. how much more will that “shame” your family? 

If your gut tells you something about this guy, it’s probably right. 

Post # 19
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am really concerned that he was being abusive to you and you say you read a book and changed yourself to counter it. Because when someone is abusive, THEY need to change. 

Also, here’s the thing: your family don’t have to walk in your shoes and live your life. You do.

You say you love him, but it takes more than love. You need to feel loved, safe, happy, protected. 

People screw up, sure, but it sounds like your Fiance has some ongoing problems. If he is turning into his dad, he needs to do something to stop it. He needs to fix that himself.

Post # 20
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’ll share just a little bit of my story with you (but just a littel because I don’t want to hijack your thread LOL).  I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with my ex-fiance, similar to your situation only with the mother in law from hell thrown in as well.  I stayed with him because my family had spent so much money on our upcoming wedding, and because I didn’t want to quit.  I stayed with him because I thought I loved him, and because I didn’t even realise I was being abused.

He then walked out on me 2 hours before we were due to get married.  The moral of the story – listen to your gut instinct.  If it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right.  And be honest with yourself.  Good luck 🙂

Post # 21
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

I’m going to be completely honest with you right now. The way you describe this relationship, and how you feel in it, shows it’s doomed to fail, even if it just means that you have a lifetime of disappointment. I know what I’m talking about, I went ahead and married an asshole, and then had to go through a horrible legal process to get an annulment after he decided saying vows meant he could start punching me all the time. If you ignore the warning signs now, it will just get worse once you’re actually married. (and to be clear, this was the guy before Mr. SD)

The fact that he doesn’t want to show affection in public, that he gaslights you (downplays your valid emotions and tells you you’re crazy) that he’s more excited about being alone than with you are all warning signs. Is that really what you want out of a marriage? Ask yourself what you want for yourself for the next 40 years. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to model for your children. And the whole bullshit about blaming you for your past relationship? Why is that even his business? Why does it matter in this relationship? Breaking off an arranged marriage with a stranger because he turned out to be a jerk is NOT a bad reflection on you! And while I get that you’re concerned about your family’s reaction (and I’m trying to be mindful that it’s a whole different culture and mindset), do you really want to settle on something so huge to your personal satisfaction? Would their opinion really be enough to keep you miserable for the rest of your life? And if it wasn’t, say you did get married and found yourself so unhappy, could you see yourself getting a divorce? Just think it through, and try to be as rational and unemotional as possible.

And I’m sorry he’s being a jerk to you. No woman ever deserves to be made to feel they’re crazy, or unloveable.

Post # 22
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this stress. I am just wondering, why are you so worried about your family being ashamed? Do you really believe that they would place your happiness below their reputation? Do you live in an extremely religious community?

Marriage (just like babies) does not make life simpler and easier- it adds complication and even more stressors- you need to make sure you have a solid foundation and that you want to embark on the journey of life TOGETHER before you make that commitment.

Why don’t you see one another often? Maybe you should try living together to make sure that you can endure the day to day before you commit a lifetime?

Best of luck to you… if he has dealt with abuse and mental disorders in the past, perhaps therapy would be a good way for him to sort out those feelings and understand that he has the ability to hurt those around him- he might not even realize he’s lashing out at you- but that does not make it okay!

Post # 23
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

wow…the guy said some nasty things but I hardly think the OP is living in a Lifetime movie!

I sincerely doubt that he had bad intentions when he added this girl—and if you assume the worst about people they’re bound to get defensive and nasty–doesn’t make it right-but not everyone is perfect

Post # 24
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m always wary of these kinds of posts.  The beginning of your relationship should be a happy time.  If he was verbally abusive right off the bat for whatever reason I would not take that as a good sign.  And it doesn’t sound like things are getting any better.

I know it’s hard to fathom, but SCREW what everyone else thinks.  This is YOUR LIFE we’re talking about. 

Post # 25
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Firstly, I just wanted to say how strong and courageous you are for leaving the first Fiance with so much pressure to marry him. I can only imaging how brave you had to be to do that, and you are really an inspiration to other women who might be facing similar challenges. 🙂

With your situation, it sounds like you’re in the post-fight phase (which I know sux and feels horrible) so how about you use this week of your fasting time to also self reflect on what YOU want and whether being married to this man will make you happy in the long run. Taking into account all his faults, and it seems like u will probably have to deal w his baggage well into married life, is it still a situation you think would make u happy?

I agree w the girls here that he should never speak to you like that, and you shd never have to deal w his baggage from his father, but it seems sometimes we ladies unfortunately get this sort of baggage (that does not make it right though, of course). It sounds like you’re celebrating Ramadan at the moment, so try and take some time to enjoy the time w your family (and of course the fabulous feasting at the end :)), focus on yourself and what makes u happy and maybe think over what ppl have said here. Let us know how u go – good luck!

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