- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
This post has been a long time in the making. I have been in the early planning stages for my september 2014 wedding. A few months ago my parents agreed to pay for our wedding, and since then they have paid half the deposit for the gorgeous yet expensive venue that I fell in love with. I initially began this post getting into all the inticate details of what my mom has said or did since that has felt inapporopriate or mean, but I realize that the root of the problem is that they are paying for the wedding.
Well actually, the root of the problem is a lifetime worth of not speaking up for what is important to me, not being able to tolerate my mom being mad at me, and ultimately not believing that I can take care of myself on my own.
When all these feelings bubble to the surface, as I’m realizing that weddings tend to bring up, what do I do with all this? And how do I come back to the joy and celebration that this is ultimately about?
While I was cautious about accepting their ‘generosity’ at first, it did seem like it could be ok. I could have the big wedding that I wanted, and I would of course be open minded to aspects of the wedding that was more important to my mom. But there has to be a line somewhere right? What does paying entitle her to? I was open to certain flowers, certain food, even certain guests, why not. But there have been things that come up that feel like its crossed the line. She has insisted on having a much more religious ceremony than I am comfortable with, and then most recently, has fired our wedding planner without even talking to me about it. She “just didn’t like her.” When I disagree with her ideas, she makes it about how I ‘never take her side’ and in her more manipulative moments, says that I “don’t love her.” I respond by saying, ‘Just because I don’t agree with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you”, like I am talking to a 5 year old tantruming child.
I consider myself an open and accomodating person, and I knew going into it that there would be compromises here and there, but I expected that it would still feel like a collaboration. I don’t think that’s possible anymore. Maybe it never was and I just didn’t want to admit it.
I was afraid to ask for support on this forum because the first and obvious response is, ‘Pay for your own wedding.’ And its true. And while I am leaning that direction, there are a couple things that feel really difficult.
One is the practical piece. The venue we’ve already chosen is very expensive. It may be possible to pay for the wedding ourselves in a significantly scaled down version at the same site, but it will be tough.
The second is the more emotional side. I’ve never really stood up to my parents in this way before. I know that telling them I will pay for our wedding will make them feel excluded and hurt them tremendously. I also may not be emotioanlly prepared for the reaction I will get with that kind of declaration.
I feel stuck. All my excitement about the planning process has disappeared, yet in the back of my mind I am still holding on to the ‘wedding of my dreams’ fantasy. Maybe that’s what’s keeping me from facing the realities that are in front of me. Is there a middle ground here? Where do I hold my boundaries and where do remain more open and flexible? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.